What is a dog, then? On the unbearable death of my dog, Polly

After 14 years, Polly was a part of Robert Dessaix's family. One day after her death, the writer grapples with grief and what it is to love a dog

We are a threesome. The most wonderful thing in the world for me - the most joyful, vivifying, meaningful, precious thing in the world - is my tiny family: Peter Timms, the dog and me. We are the only family any of us has. The dog is not a child, of course, nor a mere companion, nor even our best friend". The dog is our dog. The dog is our anchor. We love each other, Peter and I, anchored by our dog (we've had four). I can see that now. It has taken me all my life to see this. And I held out my arms in front of me in utter impotence with my fingers touching to try to hold us all in.

Polly died yesterday, you see. It is unbearable. I am not saying this for the sake of it: I cannot bear the acute sadness. I cannot bear the memories of yesterday before three o'clock or last week or ten years ago or 15. I cannot bear saying goodbye to Polly Timms forever. That's the point, as it is when we kiss or wave or say goodbye to any loved being: it's for the rest of time.