I now have awful safety concerns for Rishi Sunak’s government. Could we not shut it down for a bit? | Marina Hyde

School buildings closed at the 11th hour, banned knives banned again and a new job for Shapps? Clearly it's time for an intervention

This week the government announced it would be banning zombie-style knives". Could they not ban zombie-style governments? You see, zombie knives have already been banned. As far back as 15 August 2016, news outlets including this one were reporting on the ban on zombie knives coming into force that week, with regular surplus banning announcements occurring with strange frequency ever since.

Zombie knife ban announcements simply refuse to die. As I understand it from the movies, the only way to be really sure you have finished off a zombie knife ban announcement is to destroy its brain. In the meantime, maybe the Conservatives could announce plans to ban other unpopular bad things, such as international drug trafficking or murder.