California, here he comes! Think of Sunak's honours list as an open job application | Marina Hyde

Meanwhile spring has sprung, and in keeping with their traditions, Tory MPs are plotting regicide yet again

I wouldn't say I'm a Conservative confidence-vote prepper, but like many in the political survivalist community I do prefer to keep track of the threat level. Over the past few years, what you might call the Loonsday Clock has mostly hovered at somewhere between four minutes and one minute to midnight. The British people have accepted this is a fact of their lives, even if the prospect of the Tories going into opposition has been greeted with the same sort of exhausted relief that Kingsley Amis felt about the eventual loss of his libido: For 50 years, it was like being chained to a lunatic."

During the past eight years (feels like 50), the fateful midnight chimes have rung out on five separate occasions, turning a series of prime ministers back into pumpkins/lettuces/highly remunerated international speakers/future foreign secretaries/devoted husbands and procreators who go away a lot on business. As for what time it is now, I am afraid the news is ... not great. In recent weeks the formal assessment has moved from Even they aren't mad enough to try" to Yeah, no, actually they are going to be mad enough."

Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist