I was abused as a child, but now my mother needs care | Ask Philippa

Manage your mum's care from a distance. Don't get sucked into her orbit

The question My father was violent and my mother emotionally fragile. I took on a parental role from the age of around 11, trying to manage my dad's moods, keep my mum's spirits up and take care of my younger brother. Mum often leaned on me and I felt responsible for her stability. We were often punished in cruel ways. I was also abused sexually by a family friend". When we finally escaped our father, Mum moved this friend into our first safe" home as her partner, where he continued to abuse me. As adults, my brother and I maintain strict boundaries and there is judgment from the wider family for this.

With a lot of therapy I have managed to forge a life for myself, which can still feel as though it shouldn't belong to me, with a loving partner and warm friends. I have worked in a professional role for 15 years. Yet I struggle to feel confident and competent. I often fear losing the life I've built. I maintain contact with Mum, because I don't want to hurt her and I know she doesn't recognise how things were, but I don't feel the normal" feelings people feel towards their parents.