I’m worried my new partner won’t love who I really am | Ask Philippa

Try to steer your focus to what you want rather than what you think you should be

The question At 36, I find myself in a stable phase of life, contrasting my earlier years of nomadic renting and dead-end jobs as an artist, a passion I've abandoned. My dog is my sole source of joy, yet even that pleasure feels dulled lately. I struggle to feel real or connected, lacking focus and interest. Despite overcoming anorexia and surviving a long, violent relationship, I still battle the emotional blunting and PTSD that I've had therapy for and thought I'd conquered. I yearn for a more purposeful existence, especially considering my privileged, educated position - I should have achieved this by now.

My childhood was chaotic and now, as an adult, I can see there was neglect in a household of five children, as well as addiction and instability. My father, now sober, was always drunk - we lost everything when he became bankrupt. He also had many affairs. I dread becoming like my parents and strive to reconnect with my own body and others. I used to find meaning and flow when I made art and wrote fiction, but it all feels pointless now. I wasn't good enough.