A dialogue with your pets? Do you really want a cat to say you look dog-rough today? | Coco Khan

I can see why scientists think two-way communication is a good idea. But some things are better left unsaid

One of my favourite theories about pet behaviour is that cats see their human owners as fellow cats - just very large, hairless, uncoordinated cats. It's why, or so the lore goes, our pet cats treat us like friendly felines, sometimes licking or rubbing against us.

How do I know this titbit? Because at some point in the past few years, I joined the ranks of the pet-obsessed millennials. It crept up on me. One day I was idly thinking how nice it would be to get a kitten, the next I was staring into glistening jade eyes, feeling the vibrations of a purr through warm fur, thinking: Yes, this does seem a fair exchange for lifelong servitude." Now I participate regularly in the OTT pet-parent customs. I take too many photos, I bore people with tales of tails, and perhaps the most universal ritual of all: I Google every single thing my pet does to find out why.