I know how to improve the Olympics. First up, the burger-stacking contest | Jay Rayner

I'm not one for competitive sport but if the Games added the long lunch mixed doubles I'd be in with a shout

In a few days the Paris Olympics will begin. This should be a moment of true joy and excitement but, honestly, I'm not feeling it. This is because I find the whole sporting shebang terribly unrelatable. It's about people who can jump high, throw things a long way or run fast. I can do none of these things; I haven't run anywhere since that unfortunate incident during cross-country in 1980. The Olympics weren't always like this. From 1912 to 1948, they included cultural contests in things such as painting, music, literature and town planning. That's more inclusive but I'm still not sure I'd thrive. I'm not up to planning a whole town under competition conditions.

What's needed, so that people like me can get involved, is a food aspect. I am of course aware there are already a bunch of competitions that style themselves as culinary Olympiads, but those mostly involve intense, young people in chefs whites fashioning the Wreck of the Hesperus out of pulled sugar and aspic, or a fully functioning submarine entirely out of chocolate. That's about as relatable as a bout of acrobatic gymnastics to the theme from Succession.