Our family Mario Kart tournaments are back – can I avoid getting pasted? | Dominik Diamond

Years ago, I could confidently beat my kids at Earth's ultimate multiplayer game, but those days are gone. Or are they?

I am dying. Either aged 84 or 54, according to the two extremes of life expectancy calculator I found online, which is worrying because I am 55 in December. I'm running out of time to do the things I dream of: see Machu Picchu; find a good vegan sausage; beat my kids at Mario Kart again.

It was our number one family game until they started massacring me so gleefully I was forced into acts of petty revenge: namely, taking things of theirs they loved and secretly giving them to charity shops. They still miss that cat.