How to Break the Toxic Cycle of the ‘Abandoned Versus Controlled’ Argument in Relationships

An animated essay by the very insightful School of Life explains how to break the toxic cycle of a universal argument that takes place in relationships throughout the world. One person feels lonely and abandoned, while the other feels like they need more space and not to be controlled.

Every day the same argument unfolds, perhaps four or five million times, in different places around the planet, grinding hours of our lives into primitive despair (even as we fly around in our jet planes and rely on our space age technologies). One partner feels abandoned; the other feels controlled.

The simple answer is that each person in a couple needs to communicate gently with the other to understand what they need so that they can develop the necessary empathy towards each other.

This is how one sets about repairing. ...They are our partner...However unlikely it seems, they arein fact on our side. They want this to work. Next, we need to stop attacking and do that far more courageous and exhausting thing: explain our hurt. We have to lose our pride and patiently and systematically take the person into our tender, vast fears - presently hidden behind outward sternness and rage/