Radio WTF Presents: Quantity of Service
Today's episode: "Quantity of Service", adapted for radio by Lorne Kates, from a submission by Lyfe
Links To Downloads
"Quantity of Service" on Soundcloud (192k, mp3, 41.3mb), ... Direct Download
"Quantity of Service" on Soundcloud (96k, mp3, 20.6mb) for dial up, yo!... Direct Download
Starring (in order of appearance)
- Remy Porter... as Leif
- Mark Bowytz... as Daryl
- Lorne Kates... as various callers
- Alex Papadimoulis... as Kevin
Featuring the voice of Paul Rousse of VoiceByPaul.com, and the songs "Slow Burn" and "Mining by Moonlight" by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com.
Note: Transcript to follow later today.
And if you're nostalgic for radio of days past, last year's episode MAKE IT WORK is still online
BONUS! OUTTAKE!I know you all love the Ring Tones and Empty Threes and bits and stuff. So have fun with these:TranscriptScene: 1NARRATOR
Radio W.T.F. presents...
SOUND: INTRO MUSIC STING
NARRATOR
The Daily WTF
SOUND: END OF INTRO MUSIC STING
NARRATOR
Today's episode, "Quantity of Serivce", adapted forradio by Lorne Kates, from a submission by Lyfe.
NARRATOR
The year is late nineteen-ninety something. Businessis booming at Initech Personal Computers, a low cost,high volume retailer of end-user PCs. They had a shopin every town, an ad during every commercial break, anda toll-free number open 24/7 ready to take yourorder. Sure, they weren't actually called "InitechPersonal Computers", but you know who I mean. I bet youcan still remember their jingle-- and now that I'vereminded you, it'll be lodge in your skull on anendless, incessant loop for days. Yes-- THAT InitechPersonal Computers.
They dominated the PC market with extremely low prices.Surprisingly low. Or, as Leif would come to realizeduring his tenure as head of 2nd level support--"lowest bidder" low.
(DURING THE HEYDAY, JUST AS THE FALL BEINGS. IN LEIF'S OFFICE)
SOUND: LOTS OF PEOPLE. RINING PHONES IN BACKGROUND. BUSY
SOUNDING. LEIF'S PHONE RINGS.
DARYL
(ON PHONE)
Hey, Leif. Can you take a support escalation?
LEIF
Sure thing, Daryl. What's the problem?
DARYL
The problem is the call's taking WAY too long. It'sreally effecting my average time to call completion.
LEIF
I meant, what's the customer's problem? What's wrongwith their computer?
DARYL
No idea. None of my techs can get anything from him. Ieven tried, but he won't follow the troubleshootingscript.
LEIF
Did you at least get the serial number?
DARYL
He can't even figure that out.
LEIF
Oof. Okay, send him through.
DARYL
Great, I'll transfer the whole ticket to CustomerService. Thanks, that guy was just killing Support'sclearance rate.
SOUND: SFX PHONE RING
LEIF
Initech Personal Computers support, Leif speaking. Howcan I help you, Mr. Berry?
MR. BERRY
(ON PHONE)
I don't want to hear one more minute of that damn onhold music! If you put me on hold again, I'mma comingdown there and put my foot through your tape deck, thenup the ass of whoever picked that loop!
LEIF
I'll relay your feedback on our hold music to theappropriate department. I apologize for the wait time,Mr. Berry, but I'm here for you now. Let's see if wecan address your problem.
MR. BERRY
This computer's a piece of crap that doesn't even turnon!
LEIF
I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing problems. Let'slook into that together. Can I first ask for the serialnumber, please?
MR. BERRY
(SNORTS)
"look into it"-- no one there actually knows how to fixcomputers, do they?
LEIF
I'm trying to help you now. I just need the serialnumber to start the process.
MR. BERRY
Why, so you can also pretend the number's "not in thesystem", and pass me off to the next schmuck like lastweek's bong water?
LEIF
I assure you I won't do that. I just need the serialnumber so I can look up your computer's configuration.It's the only way I can help you troubleshoot. Theserial number's on a red or green tag on the back ofthe computer.
MR. BERRY
I know where it is, you jerks have had me read itenough times. It's W43325-TF-1.
LEIF
Um-- that's-- that's an odd format. My apologies, butcan I have you double check the number?
MR. BERRY
It's the number on the back of the computer. I'm not amoron!
LEIF
I'm not saying that, Mr. Berry. Sometimes there aremultiple numbers on the back of the computer. That maybe the power supply, or the video card. It would be ahuge favor to me if you could just check again. Do youhave access to the back of the computer right now?
MR. BERRY
(ANNOYED)
yes, fine, whatever...
SOUND: SFX SCUFFLING BEHIND COMPUTER
MR. BERRY
I'm staring right at it-- back of the computer. Redsticker that says Serial Number. W43325-TF-1! It isn'tthe power supply, it isn't the video card, it isn't atap-dancing dust bunny. It's the computer's serialnumber! Red sticker on the blue faceplate.
LEIF
That is strange, our serial numbers start with IPC--wait, did you say BLUE faceplace?
MR. BERRY
Yeah, the one covering the ports. Blue, like thebuttons on front.
LEIF
Blue buttons? The computer isn't just solid black orbeige? There's blue on it?
MR. BERRY
Yes, of course there's blue on it! The case color wasthe main selling point for me.
LEIF
ooo... uh, the front of the computer-- are there anyother buttons or markings?
MR. BERRY
The power button, the reset button, the CD ROM, and theFruits logo.
LEIF
The-- Fruits logo? It isn't a stylized "IPC"? Sir--is this even an Initech Personal Computer?
MR. BERRY
No, I bought it from Tech Town PC.
LEIF
....!!! Sir, I can't support another brand ofcomputer!
MR. BERRY
Why not?
LEIF
This is the Initech Personal Computer support line! Weonly support Initech Personal Computers
MR. BERRY
Well, that's just blatant false advertising! Yournewspaper ad CLEARLY says you offer 24/7 ComputerSupport!
LEIF
FOR OUR OWN COMPUTERS!
(REGAIN COMPOSURE)
Sir
MR. BERRY
Well then, maybe you should rebrand your phone line toInitech ONLY Computer Support.
LEIF
That's a-- suggestion.
MR. BERRY
So you're refusing to fix my computer?
LEIF
I-- I can't--
MR. BERRY
I bet you expect me to buy a new computer from you,huh? That's your scam, isn't it? Bait and switch!
LEIF
No, sir, not at all, but maybe if you called the storeyou bought your computer from--
MR. BERRY
(INTERRUPTING)
Oh, so now you expect me to start all over again onhold with THEM because you're refusing to help me?!?What a waste of my time, and it's all your fault! I'mgoing to file a formal, written complaint. Expect italong with my phone bill for the time you've wasted.Thanks for nothing!
LEIF
Have a nice d--
SOUND: PHONE HANGING UP ON OTHER END
LEIF
-- day sir.
SOUND: SOUND FX LEIF HANGING UP PHONE, SITTING BACK IN CHAIR
LEIF
Wow.
SOUND: LEIF STANDS UP, WALKS TO SUPPORT. SUPPORT FLOOR SOUNDS GET LOUDER. DARYL IS ON A PHONE CALL, HIS VOICE GETS LOUDER AS LEIF APPROACHES
DARYL
(SPEAKING WITH A LOUD, OVERLY CHEERFUL "PHONE SUPPORT"VOICE)Yes, ma'am. Start - Shutdown - Restart. Uh-huh. Yes,it IS silly that you click Start to Stop, hahahahaha.
(HIS LAUGHTER IS SACCHRINE SWEET)
The reboot and update can take up to half and hour, soI'll let you go. Please call back and the next techwill guide you through the rest of the install. Have agreat day and thank you for calling Initech PersonalComputers.
SOUND: CLICK OF PHONE HANGING UP, THEN DOUBLE CLICK OF MOUSE
DARYL
And call closed!
LEIF
But isn't the case still open?
DARYL
Sure, but the metric is "call completion", not "casecompletion". How did that escalation go?
LEIF
About that-- did you actually get his serial numberduring your call?
DARYL
Yeah, sure, but the number he gave was invalid. Icouldn't proceed with an invalid serial number.
LEIF
But didn't you recognize the number format wasn't IPCs?
DARYL
Sure, but an invalid number is as good as no number.The script's only choices are for him to call backlater, or escalate.
LEIF
If you knew it wasn't an Initech number, did you eventhink to ask him if he was calling about an Initechcomputer?
DARYL
Of couse I knew it wasn't and IPC computer. But thescript doesn't have that question to ask.
LEIF
Then ask the question anyways! Sometimes you have to gooff script!
DARYL
(SHOCKED, TRYING TO KEEP LEIF'S VOICE DOWN)
Whoa whoa whoa... shhh... close my door.
SOUND: DOOR CLOSING, OFFICE NOISE FADING AWAY
LEIF
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to attack your script-- I knowit's your baby-- but troubleshooting is a problemsolving skill. Having a best practice guide is good,but maybe you need to encourage your techs to-- thinkcritically.
DARYL
This isn't about my script being a pet sacred cow. Thisis about the pile of gibbering helldesk morons outthere being biologically incapable of coherent thought!I wouldn't trust them to walk a customer throughcomplex troubleshooting without a script telling themexactly what to say and do. Hell, I'm surprised theycan walk without a cue card telling them "left, right,left, right".
LEIF
That's a horrible thing to say about your team!
DARYL
But it's true, Leif. I know you haven't been with IPClong, but surely you've noticed the company's maincompetitive advantage is "lowest cost". That attitudeisn't limited to the computers we sell. What caliberof worker do you think a "lowest cost" salary attracts?Idiots. I'm pretty sure that red-head in the front rowis legally brain dead. Like, if Safety and Standardsevery inspected, we could be charged with improperstorage of a corpse! I wouldn't let them handle acomputer without guidance. I'm shocked we let them havesharpened cutlery in the lunch room.
LEIF
That's just a training issue! Have a troubleshootingprimer. Have new techs shadow experienced ones for awhile. Run educational Lunch and Learns on newtechniques. It takes so little effort for such amassive return on the quality of support.
DARYL
No no no. A "lowest price" company isn't concernedabout quality. It's quantity. Volume. Amounts. Thebosses aren't looking for the best technical catch, orthe smartest troubleshoot. They're looking at callsper hour, which really means cost per call.
LEIF
But the customers...
DARYL
"Lowest cost" products attract the sort of customerswho BUY the lowest price commodities. Idiots. Drooling,gibbering morons. They can't handle advancedtroubleshooting either. They can barely handlebreathing and controlling their bowels at the sametime. It's a miracle if a day goes by without a "drinkholder tray" call. If I let customers and techs havetheir way, they'd tie up the line all day turningcomputers off and back on again. That's why my scriptis the first, last, and only way of doing tech support.It's fine-turned perfection at achieving Support'sgoals.
LEIF
It doesn't achieve that goal! It couldn't even diagnosea simple problem that we had just now!
DARYL
And that's just it. Solving the problem ISN'T the goal.They can have their problem solved, or hang up, ordemand a refund. I really don't care which, as long weachieve Support's one and only true goal-- {let thegravity of this line sink in} getting the customer offthe phone as quickly as possible.
NARRATOR
After a couple months at Initech, Leif got used tohandling all the calls that the support script couldn'thandle-- or wouldn't handle. Even with a sizablesupport team, the department could barely keep up. Foreach call completed, two more were waiting on hold.Since Leif was the escalation desk, and effectivelyautonomous from support, he adhered to achieving hisown personal support goal for customers sent his way:actually solving their problems!
NARRATOR
But, as Leif would discover, having a reputation forsolving problems meant that others would have anexpectation for him to handle impossible problems oftheir own making...
SOUND: SOUND OF SUPPORT MIXED WITH SOUNDS OF PACKING. LEIFS PHONE RINGS
LEIF
Morning, Daryl. What's with the packing?
DARYL
(ON PHONE)
Support's relating to the office area downstairs.Something about it being closer to the fire exits. Ithink the bosses just want to save the cost of heatingthe upper floor come winter.
LEIF
Isn't the downstairs office area, like, half the size?
DARYL
The term is "cozier". Or-- {hushed voice}-- half thosedesk just won't get unpacked. By no coincidence, themonth-end numbers will be in before the move iscomplete. {back to normal voice} Anyways, there's anescalation ticket waiting for you. check your email.
SOUND: EMAIL BEEP
LEIF
Thanks, I'll take it.
SOUND: DOUBLE CLICK.
LEIF
Okay, Mr. Wedgewood.
SOUND: DIALTONE, DIALING. RING.
WEDGEWOOD
(ON PHONE)
Yes, hello?
LEIF
Hello, this is Leif from Initech Personal Computersreturning your call. I understand you're having some OSissues?
WEDGEWOOD
(IS A VERY STRESSED, FRAZZED CALLER)
Please tell me you can help me! I just bought thiscomputer last year and I can't afford a new one. I'mjust trying to run Aquarium Serenity 98 on my PC.Fishes are the only thing that keeps me relaxed, and Ican't afford real ones. Not like I could keep them inmy apartment anyways. You gotta help me man!
LEIF
Certain. I see here in the case notes you're trying torun Aquarium Serenity, but you have...
WEDGEWOOD
(INTERRUPTING)
No, it's Aquarium Serenity 98. The new version, withthe Malawi Cichlid. The blue/orange contrast istherapeutically relaxing.
LEIF
My apologies, Aquarium Serenity 98. I see in the casenotes that unfortunately, you have Windows 95, and thatprogram requires Windows 98, so...
WEDGEWOOD
(INTERRUPT AGAIN)
Yes, yes, yes I know I have to upgrade but no one willsell me the upgrade I need!
LEIF
That's unusual. I'm certain we stock upgrades toWindows 98, and if we don't then surely--
WEDGEWOOD
(STILL INTERRUPTING)
I can't afford the full Windows 98 upgrade, and no onewill sell me Windows 96.5!
LEIF
Sorry-- 96.5?
WEDGEWOOD
Yes, obviously! I explained this all to Kevin, thenice man who sold me the computer last year-- and hesaid you could charge me for half an upgrade, justenough to get Aquarium Serenity 98 running. Heunderstood I couldn't afford going from Windows 95 allthe way to 98, but he said you techs could upgrade mehalfway to Windows 96.5. But now no one will actuallydo the upgrade for me!
LEIF
I-- uh-- are you sure that's what was recommended?
WEDGEWOOD
Yes, absolutely. Half an upgrade is the only upgrade Ican afford. I need my fish!
LEIF
Uh-- can I put you on hold while I look into this?
WEDGEWOOD
Oh-- okay, yeah. That's fine. Your music is veryserene.
LEIF
Sure.
SOUND: ON HOLD MUSIC
LEIF
Oh boy.
SOUND: GETTING UP, WALKING TO SUPPORT-- NOISE OF PEOPLE ON PHONE, SHUFFLING EQUIPMENT, ETC. ON HOLD MUSIC FADES. TRY TO SOUND MORE FRAZZLED IN SUPPORT
LEIF
Hey, Daryl, do you know where I can find Kevin inSales?
DARYL
Sure, corner cubicle. Can't miss him. And hey, on yourway back, can you grab me back a coffee.
LEIF
Huh? Um, okay.
SOUND: WALKING SOUNDS, DOWN STAIRS, GOES INTO ANOTHER OFFICE-- IT SOUNDS ALL NICE AND HUSH AND QUIET AND THERE'S NICE MUSIC, AND HE'S WALKING ON CARPET RATHER THAN CONCRETE
LEIF
(RADIO WHISPER TO SELF)
Never been here before. Swanky. {sniff sniff} Is thatfresh roast? Focus-- okay, corner cubicle--
KEVIN
(ON PHONE, BOISTEROUS SALES PERSON)
... no, of course our computers are top of the line.You're a smart guy, your kid could spill grape juice onthe laptop, something could happen. So I'll just getyou that extended warranty, right. Yeah! So you justcall support and you're their number onepriority! Pleasure doing business with you, andcongratulations again for being an Initech PersonalCompter owner. Bye bye
SOUND: KEVIN HANGS UP PHONE
LEIF
Hi, I'm Leif, head of Customer Service.
KEVIN
Nice to meet you, Lem. Ah-- I bet you're looking totake advantage of that employee discount, are we? Getyou a coffee while we look at laptops? The new modelsare beautiful.
LEIF
No thanks-- wait, you guys get a coffee maker? Nevermind. I'm just here to talk about a customer. He wassent to tech support looking for an OS upgrade. Mr.Wedgewood?
KEVIN
Yes, charming man. Sold him his computer last year,and he was so happy with it he just called me backlooking to do an upgrade.
LEIF
Yes, exactly. Somehow, he must have gotten confusedabout the upgrade, and called back to tech supportlooking for a "half upgrade" to Windows 96
KEVIN
Yes? And?
LEIF
.... and, I just wanted to know what you actually toldhim.
KEVIN
Well, that is what I told him.
LEIF
What? How can you tell him that?
KEVIN
How couldn't I? Mr. Woodworm is a good customer ofmine, I know y'all boys in tech support would take careof him great!
LEIF
But what you told him is impossible!
KEVIN
Aw, look man, it'd be a big favor. I know he can'tafford the whole upgrade, so just charge him for halfand tune him up to 96.5. All he wants to do is see hissilly dolphins.
LEIF
They're fish.
KEVIN
Dolphins aren't fish. They're mammals.
LEIF
That-- ahh! No! There isn't such a thing as Windows96.5. There isn't such a thing as a "halfupgrade"! That isn't how computers work!
KEVIN
Son, how computers work isn't my department.
LEIF
But selling them is!
KEVIN
Yes? And?
LEIF
And you have to have some knowledge of what you'reselling! You have to understand what your customer'stechnical needs are, and which are the best qualitycomponents!
KEVIN
Nah. All I need is the weekly spreadsheet with basecosts, and to memorize the silly techie buzzwords withthe highest profit margins. They need a cheap computer,and whatever bits and rams cost the least-- well, thosesell the most. There's a reason I'm #1 in sales byquantity every quarter...
LEIF
(EXASPERATED, DEFAEATED. STAGE WHISPER TO SELF)
There's a reason we have so many support calls...
KEVIN
... and a #1 sales rep takes care of his customers, soI really hope you'll do right by my man Walter Woods.
LEIF
There's nothing to "do right" by! You promised himsomething that doesn't exist, for half the price of thething he actually needs! What do you expect me to do,upgrade him to Windows 98 at half price?
KEVIN
Well, heck, he'll be thrilled at that! I appreciate it,Lem.
LEIF
Are you serious?!?
KEVIN
Absolutely. I'd never be able to sell something likethat at a loss.
LEIF
But you expect me to?
KEVIN
There's a reason your department is a cost center,while my department gets a coffee maker. Either that,or I guess you'll just have to flush Mr. Wigglewood'sfish down the virtual toilet.
LEIF
... ugh.
KEVIN
It was a blast talking with you Larry. Stop by againwhen you want to buy that new laptop, alright? And--grab a coffee on your way out.
NARRATOR
Over the next six months, Leif watched the supportdepartment get moved into smaller and smaller offices,and then finally into a converted room under the stairsin the basement. Initech's dramatic drop in sales was awell known secret. Cost cutting measures wereimplemented across the company, hitting everydepartment-- but missing the root cause of the problementirely.Leif was under pressure to avoid replacement wheneverpossible-- and refunds altogether. He knew hisdecisions would be under scrutiny-- but until that oneday, he had no idea to what depth.
(NEED TO ADD BASEMENT ECHO. LEIF'S DOOR IS RUSTY AND CREAKY. THE ONE TECH SUPPORT VOICE IN BACKGROUND IS DEPRESSED AND ZOMBIE LIKE)
SOUND: INCOMING EMAIL
LEIF
What does Daryl want now?
SOUND: DOUBLE CLICK, READING
LEIF
Regarding Ms. Edna Germaine's request for replacementof... What? Denied? Oh come on!
SOUND: SQUEAKY CHAIR, RUSTY DOOR, ECHOEY FOOTSTEPS
LEIF
Daryl? What-- where did he go?
TECH
He said he'd be in Sales, getting a coffee. {cough}
LEIF
What? Come on!!
SOUND: WALKING OUT OF DANK ROOM, UP SEVERAL FLIGHTS OF STAIRS, THROUGH HEAVY OLD RUSTY METAL DOOR. TO CARPET, SAME SOUNDS AS BEFORE IN SALES.
LEIF
(NOT HAPPY)
Why did reject Mrs. Germaine's RMA for a mouse?
DARYL
Oh, just a bit of due diligence. The bosses asked me torein in the staggeringly high cost of returns. Shebroke her mouse, that isn't Initech's responsibility
KEVIN
This is THAT case? She thought it was a footpedal! Nowthat's funny.
LEIF
She bought an extended warranty!
KEVIN
That doesn't cover accidental or intentional physicaldamage.
LEIF
Then goodwill it! It's an off the shelf commodity mousefor a customer who just dropped two grand on a brandnew computer.
DARYL
Profits margins are already razor-thin on PCs andaccessories. I'm sorry, hands are tied here. But tellyou what, if she wants to buy a new, more rugged mouse,I'll authorize half-priced shipping.
LEIF
(SARCASTIC)
Gee thanks, she'll love that.
DARYL
Great, another satisfied customer! And speaking ofwhich, glad you came around-- Kevin has a veryimportant customer! He's got a new laptop--
KEVIN
(INTERJECTING)
top of the line!
DARYL
-- that's having a technical issue. Just need you toauthorize the replacement.
LEIF
(RECOMPOSING, STILL SORE ABOUT THIS)
Whatever. Just forward me the ticket, I'll look at itback at my desk.
DARYL
(VERY MUCH NEED TO GET THE SOMETHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY / PULLING A FAST ONE VIBE)
Already have the case open here.
LEIF
(SUSPICOUS BUT NOT SURE WHY)
Reeealy? Let me see the case notes.
SOUND: TAKING THE KEYBOARD, READING
DARYL
See? I've already confirmed it, all you have to do--
LEIF
He has an "Imploding keyboard"?
KEVIN
Oh yeah! It's a very common problem with laptops thesedays.
DARYL
Already verified by the customer's IT people! But... Iknew you'd need proof so I had him send a photo. Here,check it out.
SOUND: HAND OVER MANILLA ENVELOP, OPEN, PAPER OUT
LEIF
What is this? It's all blurry and black and white--did you print it out like this?
DARYL
That's the photo he mailed us. Perfectly acceptable.About that RMA number--
LEIF
It looks like a squid wiped its ass with it!
KEVIN
Looks fine to me.
LEIF
No. This "picture" isn't proof. And "implodingkeyboard" sounds like something Kevin would just makeup. I'm going to call the customer and we'll clear thisup.
DARYL
There's really no need--
SOUND: SPEAKERPHONE, DIALING
KEVIN
He is an excellent customer, and just wants to beassured that we stand behind the quality of ourlaptops.
LEIF
Oh, so NOW you're worried about quality?
KEVIN
I, uhh--
SOUND: FINISHES DIALING. RINGING. PHONE PICKUP, CUSTOMER "MR STRATTON" PICKS UP
STRATTON
(ON PHONE)
Joseph Stratton speaking.
LEIF
This is Leif from Initech Personal Computers supportcalling about your laptop.
STRATTON
About time! When shall I expect my replacement?
LEIF
I'm just verifying the claim, but need a better photoof the damage. Can you resend it, please?
STRATTON
Excuse me, but don't try to pull that on me. I wentthrough EXTREME difficulty getting you this digitalphoto as requested. Don't make me jump through morehoops. I'm looking at my copy of the photo, and it isas pristine as when I faxed it to office's mail room.
LEIF
Wait, you faxed it to be mailed?
STRATTON
Of course I did, I'm not spending any more money onthis laptop until it's fixed, not even on a stamp!
LEIF
Then why didn't you mail me the photo?
STRATTON
I'm not sending you my only copy of the photo!
LEIF
You can always print another photo if you needed ahardcopy.
STRATTON
You can't PRINT a photo. Photos come from cameras! Iwas already developing this roll of film, so I didn'tmind that expense, but I was not paying for duplicatesfrom the negatives.
LEIF
So this is a photo of the laptop?
STRATTON
Nice try, but no. Your tech support departmentspecifically asked for a DIGITAL photo, and my camerais not digital. So I photocopied the laptop, since theXerox is digital, and took a photo of THAT. And thatis the digital photo you have. I've now provided adigital photo exactly as requested. Don't try to pull afast one on me.
DARYL
(STAGE WHISPER)
Leif, just authorize the request. I need this laptopreplaced today!
KEVIN
(STAGE WHISPER)
He's my best account!
LEIF
(DEEP BREATH, TRYING TO REGAIN CONTROL)
Okay-- okay-- Mr. Stratton, you have my sincereapologies for the confusion-- but--
(PAUSE, MOMENT OF TRUTH)
-- the moment you faxed the photo, it stopped being adigital photo and became a digital fax. I'm sorry, Ican't accept it.
DARYL
(STAGE WHISPER)
What are you doing?!?
STRATTON
Hmm. Yes, that makes sense. But the fact remains I havebought this very expensive laptop-- and I have noconfidence in equipping my entire office with thismodel if I cannot be assured of it's quality.
LEIF
A bulk order for your office? Ahh-- and there's thequantity shoe dropping.
STRATTON
Pardon?
LEIF
Never mind. Look, Mr. Stratton, I could go through awhole rigirmoral of teaching you how to use a digitalcamera and email, but I think I know what I'd see fromyour "imploded keyboard". You've got a bunch of keyspressed inwards from a single spot, and cracksradiating out from that point. Right?
STRATTON
Yes, exactly!
LEIF
This is your first laptop, right?
STRATTON
Yes, it's my very first one. And it's been great,otherwise.
LEIF
They sure are. Don't you love being able to just workanywhere with it?
STRATTON
Yes, it's such freedom.
LEIF
Take it with you. Lounge on the couch with it.
STRATTON
So much freedom to work anywhere.
LEIF
Put it down, and get up for a nice refreshing stretch.
STRATTON
One must keep up their constitution when using thesetechnologies.
LEIF
Forget that it's on the couch, sit down on it--
STRATTON
Oh, it's so easy to overlook-- I MEAN NO! No, not atall.
LEIF
Yeah, I figured. You broke it, Mr. Stratton, and thatisn't Initech's responsibility. Unfortunately, yourextended warranty doesn't cover accidental orintentional physical damage. But if you'd like pay forthe repairs, and a gesture of goodwill, I'll authorizehalf-priced shipping.
STRATTON
Unacceptable! You owe me a new laptop! You'll behearing from my lawyer over this!
LEIF
Make sure not to sit on them.
SOUND: HANG UP OF PHONE
KEVIN
What did you do? We can't afford to lose those sales!
LEIF
If you want to RMA it, do it yourself. I'm done beingyour cost center.
DARYL
But he'll sue us!
LEIF
Let him. The quality of the suit is junk-- and lowquality junk never stands up to actual scrutiny.
KEVIN
Initech can't afford even a single lawsuit! It'll becheaper to give him a new laptop.
LEIF
Wow-- you guys will bend over backwards for one salesaccount-- but you couldn't afford to replace a mouse. Asingle, bog-standard, off the shelf mouse. You're bothso blindingly obsessed with quantity, quantity,quantity! Well, you know what there's a finitequantity of? CUSTOMERS! They're a limited, andnon-renewable resource. And they don't exist in avacuum. You think Mrs. Germaine is going to ever buy acomputer from Initech again, when we screw her over amouse? Nope. Never. BAM, one customer gone. And youthink anyone SHE talks to is going to want to dobusiness with a company that was more concerned over atiny amount of money than a customer? Nope. Never. BAMBAM BAM! More customers gone. And the people they talkto, and the people they talk to. Each customer who getsa broken-out-of-the-box computer because you couldn'tbother to learn which motherboard is bettermanufactured? BAM! BAM! Each person whose call is"completed" without actually solving theirproblem? BAM BAM BAM!
Y'all love metrics-- but I can see them too. I knowthat our Dead On Arrival rate is an order of magnitudegreater than the industry average. I know our incomingsupport calls to technician ratio is astronomic.The only thing I don't know for sure is how closeInitech's costs are to being greater than the profitmargin-- but judging from that phone call, I can make apretty damn quality guess. And if there isn't evengoing to be an effort to pilot this ship moreethically, then I don't want to be here when it sinks.
I quit.
DARYL
Leif, I know you're upset, but you can't quit.
LEIF
I can. I did. And I didn't even need a script to do it!
DARYL
Please-- I'm asking you to stay, as a favor to me. I'munderstaffed, and you're the best at support...
LEIF
I know, right? Total quality. Oh well. Bye.
DARYL
If you stay, I can get you a raise. Name it! What doyou want?
LEIF
{beat} I don't want this job. I don't want yourmoney. All I want is...
SOUND: SHUFFLING OF PAPER, GRABBING AN ENVELOP
LEIF
... this pre-paid mailer and... this!
SOUND: SFX OF MOUSE BEING GRABBED OFF DESK
KEVIN
Hey! That's my mouse!
LEIF
Not any more. Now it belongs to...
SOUND: SFX SQUEAKY MARKER WRITING ON EVELOPE
LEIF
Ms. Edna Germain. I'll drop it off at shipping on myway out.
NARRATOR
After Leif left, his position was eliminated entirely.The rest of the support department was replaced with anoffshore team who could stick to a script, come inunder budget-- and who performed with the exact qualityyou'd expect from a "lowest cost" support solution.Initech went under shortly after, and was bought up bytheir main competitor-- who also went bankrupt in shorttime and for the same reasons.
And as the 1990s drew to a close, so did the dynasty oflow cost, high volume computer retailers. If you ownedone of Initech's PCs back then, Leif is truly sorry--but he had no control over QC. Although he waspowerless to effect change at Initech, his time therewas an eye-opening lesson. Ever since, he's dedicatedhis own career to ensuring that every job he does,regardless of the size, will always be of the upmostquality.
SOUND: OUTRO MUSIC
NARRATOR
For The Daily WTF, this was "Quantity of Service". Inorder of appearance, "Remy Porter" was Leif, "MarkBowytz" was Daryl, "Lorne Kates" was Mr. Berry, Mr.Wedgewood, Nervous Technician, and Mr. Stratton-- and"Alex Papadimoulis" was Kevin. I'm your announcer PaulRousse of "Voice By Paul dot com". Theme song was "SlowBurn", and on-hold music was "Mining by Moonlinght",both by Kevin MacLeod of incompetech dot com.
This hasbeen a W.T.F. Radio presentation.After Credit Sting
(END CREDIT MUSIC FADES AWAY. ON HOLD MUSIC FADES BACK IN AND PLAYS FOR A COUPLE SECONDS. WE ADDRESS A PLOT HOLE)
WEDGEWOOD
.... uh, I hope they take me off hold eventually.
(MUSIC FADES AWAY. FIN.)
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