Baby Boomers Leave Entire $78.55 Trillion Fortune To Single Spoiled Pomeranian

NEW YORK-Noting that the 5-year-old purebred ultimately meant more to them than any of their ungrateful, deadbeat children, the nation's baby boomers reportedly decided Wednesday to leave their entire $78.55 trillion fortune to a single spoiled Pomeranian. Upon our death, we formally request that our whole estate be left to dear Mitzi, the only one who has ever truly loved or cared for us," read the baby boomers' last will and testament, which specified that rather than making their Gen X or millennial offspring the recipients of the largest transfer of wealth in human history, the inheritance should instead be used to fund Mitzi's lavish lifestyle, including her organic dog food and luxury grooming, as well as a private residence in Manhattan just for her and her private butler. Mitzi, for the rest of her life, shall reside in a penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park and be transported daily via stretch limo to her favorite activities, which include eating steak tartare at her favorite dog-friendly cafe and shopping on Fifth Avenue. No matter how much the younger generations whine and beg, they shall be entitled to no part of our massive fortune. If they wanted our money, maybe they shouldn't have called us a bitch or blocked us on Facebook." At press time, a Manhattan judge had thrown out the offspring's latest attempt to sue, clarifying that any remaining funds were to be used to eventually bury the Pomeranian next to the baby boomers in their opulent, sprawlingmausoleum.

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