The Onion

WASHINGTON-In a provocative 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that everyone's a damn critic these days. It is this court's opinion that apparently everyone has their own ideas about how this court should operate and is not shy about sharing their views-even when no one asks," Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in his 10-page [...]The post Supreme Court Rules 6-3 That Everyone A Damn Critic appeared first on The Onion.

MADISON, WI-Warning that each new iteration of dummy seems to be more witless than the last, a team of scientists at the University of Wisconsin stated Monday that they were no closer to uncovering where their friend Lisa Pullman finds these bozos. Despite years of extensive research, we still lack even a rudimentary understanding of [...]The post Scientists No Closer To Uncovering Where Friend Finds These Bozos appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Taking a deep breath and straightening his back, Yo-Yo Ma finally worked up the courage to tell his parents that he was quitting cello, sources confirmed Friday. Mom, Dad, this is it-I quit," said Ma, who exhaled and then winced as his parents immediately reacted to the consequential words by simultaneously exclaiming But you [...]The post Yo-Yo Ma Finally Works Up Courage To Tell Parents He Quitting Cello appeared first on The Onion.

GENEVA-Saying frost-covered courts heralded a new direction for the sport, officials from the Geneva Open defended Monday their decision to hold a tennis tournament on ice.The state-of-the-art ice courts at the Tennis Club de Geneve will allow for more strategic play as athletes try to avoid slipping and falling while serving, returning, or even just [...]The post Geneva Open Introduces Ice Courts appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Coinciding with a spike in interest in cars and moving fast, a trend report published Friday by Edmunds Research confirmed that driving was surging in popularity thanks to Apple's new film F1. F1 has really pushed driving into the forefront of culture, and now it's having a moment," said report co-author Jared Eash, who [...]The post Driving Surges In Popularity Thanks To F1' Film appeared first on The Onion.

ST. PETERSBURG, FL-Noting that the change in status was disconcerting and weird for everyone involved, family sources released a report Thursday confirming that it would never feel right seeing Dad in the backseat of the car. It's just wrong to look in the rearview mirror and see Dad sitting back there like a little kid," [...]The post Report: It Will Never Feel Right Seeing Dad In Backseat Of Car appeared first on The Onion.

GETTYSBURG, PA-Following a fourth chorus of Kingdom Coming," fellow participants sternly reminded local Civil War reenactor Christopher Geary that this was not his personal fife recital, frustrated sources confirmed Friday. This is the Battle of Gettysburg, not the Christopher Geary Music Hour!" said Frank Mercer, 54, who portrayed Gen. George Meade and had already told [...]The post Civil War Reenactor Reminded This Not His Personal Fife Recital appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Citing extensive research he had conducted on the matter, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday claiming that vaccines were no more effective than drinking horseshoe crab blood straight. Despite the lofty promises of pharmaceutical companies, there's simply no evidence to suggest that vaccines provide more immunological benefit than [...]The post RFK Jr.: Vaccines No More Effective Than Drinking Horseshoe Crab Blood Straight appeared first on The Onion.

EAU CLAIRE, WI-Massaging their stiff shoulders and necks while remarking that they wish they'd known how good they had it when they were your age, slightly older sources reported Thursday that if you think your body feels bad now, just you wait. Hoo boy, you might think things hurt already, but buckle up, because this [...]The post Slightly Older Sources Report If You Think Body Feels Bad Now, Just Wait appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Shaking a logo-emblazoned cap enticingly over his head, a defense attorney for Sean Diddy" Combs' reportedly tossed jurors Ciroc-branded swag during closing statements Thursday in the 55-year-old music mogul's racketeering and sex-trafficking trial. All right, who wants a free towel?" lawyer Marc Agnifilo said as the men and women of the jury immediately clamored [...]The post Diddy Lawyer Tosses Jury Ciroc Swag During Closing Statement appeared first on The Onion.

WOODBINE, NJ-Saying the man's behavior and temperament had helped him excel in a difficult environment, sources confirmedThursday that every trait disqualifying ICE agent Jake Clements from previous jobs had made him ideal for his current role. Several reports indicated the 29-year-old high school graduate, who had been dismissed from numerous past positions in food service [...]The post Every Trait Disqualifying ICE Agent From Previous Jobs Ideal For Current One appeared first on The Onion.

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Jeff Bezos, Amazon founder and the world's second richest man, wed his fiance Lauren Sanchez in a lavish, multi-day ceremony this week in Venice, Italy. The Onion examines the facts and figures behind the event. 4,976: Number of Amazon fulfillment center workers who fainted on the job to make this possible 25: Yacht pileup in [...]The post Jeff Bezos' Italian Wedding By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

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VENICE, ITALY-Smiling at the couple's lighthearted twist on a traditional ring bearer, guests at the wedding of Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez were reportedly delighted this week by the sight of an Amazon worker with a ring tied to his collar crawling down the aisle. Oh my gosh, my heart is melting-such a good boy," [...]The post Bezos Wedding Guests Delighted By Amazon Worker With Ring Tied To Collar Crawling Down Aisle appeared first on The Onion.

VENICE, ITALY-In a welcome bag filled with favors such as local chocolates, artisanal soaps, and scented candles, guests arriving for the wedding of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez this week were reportedly given monogrammed plastic bottles in which to urinate during the ceremony. Because guests will be strictly prohibited from leaving the room [...]The post Bezos Wedding Guests Given Monogrammed Plastic Bottles To Urinate In During Ceremony appeared first on The Onion.

BLOOMINGTON, IL-Stopping the polo-clad man and ushering him off toward the bathroom, restaurant staff reportedly provided an improperly dressed Applebee's patron with a loaner stained hoodie on Wednesday. I'm sorry, sir, but we cannot seat you unless you are wearing something more in line with this establishment's dress code," said Applebee's hostess Angeline Reilly, who [...]The post Improperly Dressed Applebee's Diner Provided Loaner Stained Hoodie appeared first on The Onion.

ITHACA, NY-Stressing that even shallow puddles could undermine an infant's traction, parenting experts at Cornell University published a report Wednesday in which they warned that babies could hydroplane in as little as one inch of water. You have to watch infants and toddlers closely around water, because even a thin layer can send them sliding [...]The post Parenting Experts Warn Babies Can Hydroplane In As Little As One Inch Of Water appeared first on The Onion.

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BOCA RATON, FL-Sitting straight up in bed in a cold sweat as she struggled to shake the horrifying image from her mind, pop superstar Taylor Swift reportedly awoke from a nightmare Tuesday in which her boyfriend, Travis Kelce, won an Oscar before she did. It was horrible-they called his name, and I had to stand [...]The post Taylor Swift Wakes Up From Nightmare Where Travis Kelce Wins Oscar Before Her appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Growing increasingly contemplative as he fantasized about a stiff drink after a long day at work, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly wondered Monday whether uranium might make a good mixer. I feel like it could bring out the more chemical notes of gin in a really nice way without overpowering it," said the Pentagon chief, [...]The post Pete Hegseth Wondering Whether Uranium Would Be A Good Mixer appeared first on The Onion.

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The following is an open letter from Global Tetrahedron CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder that was included with each copy ofThe Onion that was sent to Congress. If you are reading this, you are likely either a member of Congress or one of the many underlings tasked with prodding lawmakers from a senile haze when they [...]The post Why I'm Sending Issues of The Onion' To Every Member Of Congress appeared first on The Onion.

ALTOONA, PA-Saying the pampered 6-year-old seemed to think someone should provide her with a midday meal on a regular basis, sources told reporters Thursday that local entitled child Harper Wiley expected to eat lunch each day of her young life.Can you imagine? Not just on the odd occasion, but every single day!" said a source [...]The post Entitled Child Expects To Eat Lunch Every Day appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After weeks of eliminating what many lawmakers called frivolous" and unnecessary" provisions, Congress reportedly passed a blank bill Thursday in which President Donald Trump can simply write whatever law he wants. Today we are sending to the president's desk 200 completely clean sheets of paper that are hereby codified such that anything he chooses to [...]The post Congress Passes Blank Bill For Trump To Write Whatever Law He Wants appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Stressing that the facade informs nearly every aspect of his daily life, Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) told reporters Thursday that his Christian faith is an important part of who he pretends to be.Whether I'm delivering a speech calling for theocracy in front of dozens of cameras or talking to my children at the kitchen table [...]The post Christian Faith An Important Part Of Who Senator Pretends To Be appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Confirming that doctors had performed the procedure successfully, sources reported Friday that Sabrina Carpenter had undergone a state-mandated lobotomy to cure her medically diagnosed nymphomania. According to eyewitnesses, the 26-year-old artist arrived at a state mental hospital early this morning strapped to a gurney so that she could not act on her depraved sexual [...]The post Sabrina Carpenter Undergoes State-Mandated Lobotomy To Cure Nymphomania appeared first on The Onion.

Tina Webb, 25, died Saturday night, becoming the fifth assistant that Xander the Magnificent has burned through in as many weeks.The post Tina Webb appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-Recounting the deeply spiritual event as one that was life-changing but contractually difficult to articulate, area man Kyle Hartsfield recalled angels asking him to sign a nondisclosure agreement following a near-death experience, sources confirmed Thursday. It was incredible, and I really wish I could talk about it," said Hartsfield, describing the series of events in [...]The post Man Returning From Near-Death Experience Recalls Angels Making Him Sign NDA appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Stressing that it wasn't their problem and theycertainly didn't have the time or energy to investigate further, the authors of a report released Thursday found that it was probably fine that a 5-year-old just whizzed by on a Lyft scooter. Nobody else on the street seems to be freaking out or anything, and look, [...]The post Report: It Probably Fine That 5-Year-Old Just Whizzed By On Lyft Scooter appeared first on The Onion.

Van Horne married Blythewood Saturday, turning his bewitched household appliances back into humans.The post Fiona Blythewood and Dexter Van Horne appeared first on The Onion.

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