The Onion

Kristi Noem was fired from her post as Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security and will be replaced by Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK), the embattled Noem's exit following intense public backlash to her handling of Trump's immigration crackdown and mishandling of department funds. What do you think?The post Kristi Noem Fired As DHS Secretary appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Striking a note of optimism as the prospects for a protracted conflict with Iran grew likelier, President Trump on Friday urged Americans to bear in mind that they'll no longer have to pay their son's cell phone bill if he dies at war. You may be grieving at first, but, believe me, you'll be smiling [...]The post Trump To Americans: You Won't Have To Pay Your Son's Cell Phone Bill When He Dies At War' appeared first on The Onion.

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Longtime Justice Department employee Timothy Parsons, a legal staffer in the U.S. Attorney's Office in Washington, D.C., was arrested and charged in a child pornography case and is facing federal criminal charges in Maryland. What do you think?The post DOJ Employee Charged In Child Pornography Case appeared first on The Onion.

Voting in local elections is key to democracy. The Onion shares tips for researching candidates on the ballot in your community. First, learn the name of the town or city you live in, and ideally the state as well. Decide exactly how important it is to you that your vote is informed. Ensure your preferred [...]The post Tips For Researching Local Candidates appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Jeopardizing the fate of what could be a landmark federal antitrust trial, U.S. prosecutors were reportedly unable to attend the Live Nation trial Friday after scalpers bought every ticket. Ah, shit, I promised my daughter I was going to prosecute Live Nation for her birthday," said David E. Dahlquist, a lawyer for the U.S. [...]The post Prosecutors Unable To Attend Live Nation Trial After Scalpers Buy Every Ticket appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-Faced with continuing public outrage over the former prince's ties to notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, the British royal family on Friday quietly removed Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor's popular line of salad dressings from stores. For decades, British consumers have associated Andrew's smiling face on bottles of Buckingham Balsamic and His Majesty's Honey Mustard with the highest quality [...]The post Royal Family Quietly Removes Prince Andrew's Line Of Salad Dressings From U.K. Grocery Stores appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an effort to provide a more hearty, spoonable drinking experience," the Environmental Protection Agency announced Thursday a sweeping new initiative to make all U.S. tap water chunkier by 2030.For too long, Americans have had to put up with thin, dull water, but we're going to cut through all of the unnecessary red tape and [...]The post EPA Unveils Plan To Make Water Chunkier appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Having abandoned his pledge not to let construction interfere with the plane's existing structure or aerodynamic design, President Donald Trump defended on Thursday his decision to add a magnificent" neoclassical ballroom to Air Force One. Trump, who appeared dismissive of photos that showed an excavator ripping into the famed Boeing 747, told reporters that demolishing [...]The post Trump Defends Addition OfBallroom ToAir Force One appeared first on The Onion.

Statistically speaking, not every wedding is going to be magical.The post Pat Yelsh and Jordan Menz appeared first on The Onion.

The White House has defended strikes on Iran, stating that the country's leaders are paying for their crimes against America." The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding President Trump's war. MYTH: As commander-in-chief, Trump has the authority to take military action. FACT: It is unconstitutional for a U.S. president to declare war without the [...]The post Trump's War On Iran: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-Paralyzed with fear at the unexpected sight of the miniature figurine, Houston Rockets forward Kevin Durant reportedly screamed in terror Tuesday after unexpectedly coming face-to-face with a bobblehead version of himself. Who...who are-what do you want from me?" said the visibly trembling 15-time all-star, who nervously backed away from the tiny novelty doppelganger as it [...]The post Kevin Durant Terrified After Encountering Bobblehead Of Self appeared first on The Onion.

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If the body of Beatrice Fagan, 88, is not claimed within one year, her corpse will be sold at a state-sponsored auction.The post Beatrice Fagan appeared first on The Onion.

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PYONGYANG-Tears welling in his eyes as he remarked upon how quickly things change, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un reportedly told aides Wednesday he couldn't believe his daughter Kim Ju Ae was already old enough to be executing boys. It's incredible to think that just a few years ago, she barely knew the words [...]The post Kim Jong Un Can't Believe Daughter Already Executing Boys appeared first on The Onion.

President Trump blacklisted AI company Anthropic after it rebuffed the Pentagon's demands to lift all safeguards on the military's use of its model due to its concerns about the use of AI for mass domestic surveillance and the development of weapons that fire without human involvement. What do you think?The post Pentagon Cuts Ties With Anthropic Over AI Safeguards appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-Bleeding profusely as he radioed for backup against the uncooperative crowd, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Ken Fischer was reportedly injured Tuesday after making repeated attempts to detain the people in a neighborhood mural. I've got a couple dozen hostile and extremely large individuals impeding an officer-I need as many agents as you can send [...]The post ICE Agent Injured After Repeatedly Trying To Detain People In Neighborhood Mural appeared first on The Onion.

They don't need them, so it's your win. And if you don't need more mugs, then just leave your mugs with your current home. Let's all just stop taking mugs with us whenever we move. That could start right here with this house. Reference #88225The post Comes With The Mugs appeared first on The Onion.

Ortega was married off to Lazarus in a peacekeeping deal aimed at easing tensions between Indianapolis and Cincinnati.The post Adam Lazarus and Hayden Ortega appeared first on The Onion.

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Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the theocratic dictator who ruled Iran for over 36 years, was killed in a massive U.S. and Israeli military operation, with the Iranian government announcing 40 days of public mourning following the death of the 86-year-old leader. What do you think?The post Ayatollah Killed In U.S. Airstrike appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-Amid continued speculation about when the injured Celtics star might return to action, head coach Joe Mazzulla told reporters Tuesday that Jayson Tatum would remain sidelined until he successfully completed the Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian," a riddle- and reason-based gauntlet he devised to assess players' mental readiness. Look, I know it's your guys' job to ask, [...]The post Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian' appeared first on The Onion.

Hi, friends! Today, I'd like to talk to the grown-ups. I know it's not easy raising children. Looking after little ones is a lot of work, and sometimes you just need a moment to breathe. So you plop your kids on the couch and turn on a Ms. Rachel video, giving yourself time to cook [...]The post I Am The God Of Your Children. I Am The Final Parent. appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-As the pair crossed their fingers and stared longingly at the jumbotron, reports confirmed Sunday that siblings Henry and Daniel Komack were both currently praying they would be featured on Rocket Arena's kiss cam.Come on, come on, I want this more than anything," whispered Henry Komack, 15, his breath trembling as he and his 13-year-old [...]The post Both Siblings Quietly Pray They Get On Kiss Cam appeared first on The Onion.

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Mitch Nagler, 92, died peacefully last Thursday, at last relinquishing his stranglehold on the best easy chair in the Silver Pines Retirement Community sunroom.The post Mitch Nagler appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-While recognizing the small detail was of no real significance in the greater scheme of an escalating war with Iran, the entire U.S. populace admitted Tuesday that it was still curious to hear how President Donald Trump would pronounce Strait of Hormuz." He's gonna have to say it out loud eventually, and it feels like [...]The post Nation Admittedly Curious To Hear How Trump Pronounces Strait Of Hormuz' appeared first on The Onion.

According to Delta Dental's new Original Tooth Fairy Poll, the average amount of money left under a pillow for a lost tooth has increased to $5.84 per tooth, up 17% from last year. What do you think?The post Price Of Teeth Rises appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Carefully weighing the implications of his presence at a particularly tense moment in relations between Iran and the United States, President Trump told reporters Monday that he remained on the fence about attending the funeral of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. If I go, I think it'll really make me look strong, like I'm fully in charge [...]The post Trump On Fence About Attending Ayatollah's Funeral appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying he just had a gut feeling" about the U.S.-backed airstrike, President Trump announced Monday that he'd won $60 on Kalshi after betting that he would bomb Iran. The odds were against me, but somehow I just knew that betting on an airstrike ordered by the president of the United States would hit," said Trump, [...]The post Trump Wins $60 On Kalshi Betting He'll Bomb Iran appeared first on The Onion.

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The surge in AI, cryptocurrency, and other digital assets is rapidly increasing demand for computational infrastructure around the country. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind data centers. 0.8 New pH of your groundwater $900,000,000 What 16GB of RAM will cost next year 4,000 Palm fronds fanned to cool the servers 1 Security [...]The post Data Centers By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

The NYPD arrested a 27-year-old man they accused of striking two police officers with snow and ice during a snowball fight in Washington Square Park, charging him with assaulting a police officer, obstructing governmental administration, and disorderly conduct. What do you think?The post NYPD Arrests Man For Hitting Officers With Snowball appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Expressing certainty that they wouldn't make it to spring without resorting to drastic measures, the American people stated Wednesday that they had been left with no choice but to eat 35 million Canadians to survive the harsh winter. According to sources, the United States endured below-freezing temperatures and depleted food rations for weeks before a [...]The post Nation Forced To Eat 35 Million Canadians To Survive Harsh Winter appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Urging the next generation of NBA talent to learn from his mistakes and avoid going down the wrong path, Shaquille O'Neal issued a stern warning Monday to young basketball players not to star in a movie about a genie.When you come into the league and suddenly have all this money and fame, it's easy [...]The post Shaq Warns Young Players Not To Do Movie About Genie appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Still sweating from the 7.5-mile walk from the White House to the video game retailer, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were spotted Thursday attempting to trade in a 1797 portrait of George Washington at a D.C.-area GameStop.One PS5, please," Donald Jr. said as his younger brother Eric pushed the 18th-century Gilbert Stuart oil-on-canvas across [...]The post Trump Boys Try Trading In George Washington Portrait At GameStop appeared first on The Onion.

Sure, you denied yourself many things as you scrimped and saved enough for a down payment on a home, but it'll all be worth it when your father calls it a total dump. Reference #59893The post 15 Years Of Saving Just For Your Dad To Call It A Shack appeared first on The Onion.

HIALEAH, FL-Despite ready access to an almost inexhaustible archive of exceptional movies, television shows, and print literature, local dad Brett Colston declared Friday that his favorite piece of media was a commercial from 2005. I'm not sure if it was a Super Bowl ad originally, but you guys have to see it if I can [...]The post Dad's Favorite Piece Of Media Still Commercial From 2005 appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Amid shocking materials that include a photo in which the word HELP' has been spelled out with rocks, seaweed, and several stuffed animals,a newly released tranche of Epstein files revealedFriday that Deepak Chopra was still lost on the private island of Little St. James. From whatwecan gather, Chopra has been deliriously wandering the now largely [...]The post Epstein Files Reveal Deepak Chopra Still Lost On Little St. James appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBUS, OH-Speaking with an unflagging sense of hope despite the long, challenging road ahead of him, prosthetic hand recipient James Bratton told reporters Friday he was slowly learning to lick barbecue sauce off his fingers again. I'm still getting the hang of moving my sauce-covered hand to my extended tongue, but once I struggled past [...]The post Prosthetic Hand Recipient Slowly Relearning To Lick Barbecue Sauce Off Fingers appeared first on The Onion.

Jelly Roll, the artist behind songs Son Of A Sinner" and Save Me," has announced a 2026 tour. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the singer. Birthplace: Walmart bathroom Legal Name: Davidson County Inmate No. 248323 Genre: Country for people who don't like music Easily Identifiable By: Tattoo-shaped birthmarks on face Common [...]The post Artist Profile: Jelly Roll appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Doing everything within her power to ensure the big day would beabsolutely perfect, pop superstar Taylor Swift paid off a bride who had booked the maid of honor she wanted, sources confirmed Friday. I just really had my heart set on Lindsey," said the multiplatinum recording artist who reportedly made a cash offer of [...]The post Taylor Swift Pays Off Bride Who Booked Maid Of Honor She Wanted appeared first on The Onion.

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A mother in North Carolina who went missing while Christmas shopping 24 years ago was found alive and well," though she claimed she did not want to be contacted by her family. What do you think?The post Mother Who Went Missing In 2001 Found Alive appeared first on The Onion.

TOKYO-In a bathroom stall outfitted with a glowing panel of cartoon icons and a series of tubular suction gears that pulsed in choreographed sequence to a cheery welcome jingle, American tourist Trevor Willis acknowledged he was totally overwhelmed Thursday by a confusing Japanese glory hole with way too many bells and whistles. Okay, so the [...]The post Confusing Japanese Glory Hole Has Too Many Bells And Whistles appeared first on The Onion.