The Onion

Weapons, a new horror film from the director of Barbarian, topped the box office on its opening weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie. Q. Why is the film called Weapons? A. The title Where Did The Kids Go? Find Out, Josh Brolin! didn't test well. Q: Is it scary? [...]The post What To Know About Weapons' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Shedding new light on the widespread dissemination of misinformation, the Pew Research Center released a new poll Friday that found the majority of Americans still believe the greatest threat to public health is the Undertaker. More than 85% of U.S. adults stated they were extremely concerned' about the negative health impact the Deadman could have [...]The post Poll Finds Americans Still Believe Greatest Threat To Public Health The Undertaker appeared first on The Onion.

DAYTON, OH-In a tragic turn to what loved ones had expected to be a joyous day, family sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Sandra McDowell's career had died in childbirth.We did everything we could to preserve the mother's job prospects, but sadly, she just lost too much employability for her career to survive," said obstetrician [...]The post Woman's Career Dies In Childbirth appeared first on The Onion.

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Yasmine Polk, 56, passed over the rainbow bridge last Friday, becoming the first non-pet to do so.The post Yasmine Polk appeared first on The Onion.

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President Donald Trump has claimed that crime is out of control" in the nation's capital and beyond. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president's claims. Claim: D.C. has endured a record amount of robberies. Partially true: Some places in Georgetown sell a cup of coffee for $9. Claim: Chicago, New York, and Los Angeles [...]The post Fact-Checking Trump On Crime appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an ambitious new effort targeting undocumented immigrants, theDepartment of Homeland Securityannounced this week that it wouldbegin offeringa $1,000 stipend to migrants who voluntarily self-destruct. If you are here illegally, the easiest, most cost-effective way to avoid arrest is by downloading the Customs and Border Patrol app, pressing the red button, and-after the the 10-second [...]The post DHSOffers$1,000 Stipend To Migrants Who Voluntarily Self-Destruct appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Hoping his upcoming meeting in Anchorage with Russian President Vladimir Putin will bring a much-needed change of pace, an exhausted President Donald Trump told reporters Thursday that a fun getaway with a murderous dictator is just what he's been needing. It's been a pretty busy year, so it'll be great to take a little summer [...]The post Fun Getaway With Murderous Dictator Just What Exhausted Trump Been Needing appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS-Staring at the email in bewilderment, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly received an invoice Thursday for girlfriend Taylor Swift's appearance on his podcast this week. Shit, she didn't mention anything about this," the 35-year-oldNew Heightsco-host said as he scrutinized the PDF file sent from Swift's personal email account, which in addition [...]The post Travis Kelce Receives Invoice For Girlfriend's Podcast Appearance appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Describing the city recently incorporated by SpaceX workers as ideal for those hoping to settle down and raise their employer's children, U.S. News & World Report published a new ranking this week that names Starbase, TX as the best city in which to start a family with one's boss.Across all metrics, we found there [...]The post Starbase Named Best City To Start Family With Boss appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In an expression of outrage at the vice president for his perceived ineptitude and lack of principles, JD Vance was reportedly booed Monday by his own reflection in the mirror.You suck, you morally bankrupt prick! Go fuck yourself!" said Vance's mirror image, flipping off the vice president and claiming that he was a traitor to [...]The post JD Vance Booed By Own Reflection In Mirror appeared first on The Onion.

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The engaged couple recently denounced the heteronormative institution of marriage after learning the average cost of a wedding is $33,000.The post Jack Harper And Patrick Clarke appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a gesture many critics have decried as yet another blatant bribe to secure favorable regulatory treatment,Frito-LayCEO Steven Williams presented President Donald Trump this week with a 24-karat, solid gold Funyun. The president has long voiced his desire to own a golden, crunchy onion, and we knew it would be our privilege to make that [...]The post Frito-LayCEO Gifts Trump Gold Funyun appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS-Moments after spotting hordes of the minuscule creatures skittering across the face of the earth, the Lord, Our Holy Father, reportedly became disgusted Thursday and placed a giant overturned glass atop humanity. Heavenly sources confirmed the Almighty cursed in surprise when He first spotted the massive swarm of human beings crawling through Creation, but [...]The post Disgusted God Puts Giant Overturned Glass AtopHumanity appeared first on The Onion.

KENOSHA, WI-After lurking in a fulfillment center parking lot until employees had finished their 12-hour shift, Amazon founder and executive chairman Jeff Bezos reportedly mugged one of his company's warehouse workers at gunpoint Friday.Just take out your wallet real slow and drop it into my hands-no sudden movements!" said Bezos, his face obscured behind a [...]The post Jeff Bezos Mugs Amazon Warehouse Worker At Gunpoint appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA FE, NM-Stressing that fans of the franchise were about to be richly rewarded for their patience, author George R.R. Martin announced Tuesday that he had finally finished writing his sequel to the 2000 film Erin Brockovich.At long last, the wait is over-my script for Erin Brockovich 2: A Kiss Of Chromium is officially complete!" [...]The post George R.R. Martin Finally Finishes Writing Sequel To Erin Brockovich' appeared first on The Onion.

With warm wood paneling and a kitchen full of character actors looking for work, you won't find a more charming home for entertaining. Reference #62342The post Full Of Character Actors appeared first on The Onion.

Lillian Canfield passed away at 89. She is survived by one son, three grandchildren, and a thriving maggot population.The post Lillian Canfield appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Claiming the luminous potion would make the nation strong and vigorous, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued an order Friday directing all Americans to drink a mysterious glowing liquid.In order to end the chronic disease epidemic in this country, it is imperative that every man, woman, and child take a large [...]The post RFK Jr. Mandates All Americans Drink Mysterious Glowing Liquid appeared first on The Onion.

Fusco married Demers in a beautiful ceremony Sunday, so the state kicked her off the medical assistance program that made her cancer treatments affordable.The post Andrea Fusco And Glenn Demers appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Warning that America could not afford to fall behind in gourd-based innovation, U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins issued a statement Tuesday demanding that U.S. farmers invent five new melons by Friday. Our nation cannot keep coasting along on the same old watermelons and cantaloupes forever without losing its standing on the world stage," said [...]The post Agriculture Secretary Demands U.S. Farmers Invent 5 New Melons By Friday appeared first on The Onion.

Alex Warren's Ordinary" has held the number one spot on the Billboard Hot 100 for the ninth week in a row. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Warren. Genre: Music for 19-year-olds to get married to Religious Affiliation: Checks out Instruments: Guitar, ring light Hype House Chore: Vape organizer Years Active: Yesterday-Present [...]The post Artist Profile: Alex Warren appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Calling the ongoing violence in the region disgusting"while pledging America's unwavering support, President Trump announced Monday that the United States would be the first country to recognize the state of Mega-Israel. We recognize the right of Mega-Israel to exist as an ever-expanding sovereignnation," said Trump, who added that he believed the West had turned a [...]The post U.S. Becomes First Country To Recognize Mega-Israel appeared first on The Onion.

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Your in-laws will feel right at home insisting that this cozy one-bedroom condo is big enough to host them for two full weeks. Reference #48151The post Space For The Whole Family appeared first on The Onion.

NEW HAVEN, CT-Calling the previously undocumented behavior one of the most exciting scientific discoveries of the decade, biologists from Yale University confirmed Tuesday that they had observed geese eating tools.We normally don't think of birds as tool eaters, so it came as quite a shock to witness multiple Canada geese from a flock in coastal [...]The post Biologists Observe Geese Eating Tool appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Saying a coy good morning to her Only Murders In The Building co-star as she sauntered seductively around the kitchen, three-time Academy Award winner Meryl Streep reportedly made breakfast Friday morning for Martin Short while wearing his Jiminy Glick suit.Hey there, Marty, last night was fun," said the 75-year-old actress, dressed head to toe [...]The post Meryl Streep Makes Breakfast In Jiminy Glick Suit appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a chaotic and alarming scene that sent West Wing staffers springing into action, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump had been rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center to watch a woman's breast exam. Early this morning, Secret Service agents were seen whisking the president out of a Cabinet meeting [...]The post Trump Rushed To Walter Reed To Watch Breast Exam appeared first on The Onion.

WEST TISBURY, MA-Following through on his threat of legal action, civil liberties lawyer Alan Dershowitz confirmed Monday that he had filed a lawsuit against a Martha's Vineyard farmers market vendor for refusing to sell him a child. This is an affront to the principles of the free market," said the 86-year-old attorney, who can be [...]The post Alan Dershowitz Sues Farmers Market Vendor For Refusing To Sell Him Child appeared first on The Onion.

Tea, an app that encourages women to write reviews about men they've dated, was recently hit by a data breach, with thousands of photos and messages leaked on 4chan. Here is everything you need to know about the viral app. Q: What is the Tea app used for? A: Fighting with your boyfriend's girlfriend. Q: [...]The post What To Know About The Tea App appeared first on The Onion.

SAN FRANCISCO-Kicking himself for having made such a foolish error in judgment, restless tech billionaire Jasper Stroud expressed regret Friday at having an infusion of child's blood after 4 p.m. I should've just taken a nap instead of popping open my blood boy fridge and getting a quick hit," said the anxious fintech founder, noting [...]The post Restless Billionaire Regrets Having Infusion Of Child's Blood After 4 P.M. appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLESTON, SC-In what was originally intended as a low-key girls weekend," four of bride-to-be Julia Rose Atkinson's closest friends were financially ruined this week after her bachelorette party completely bankrupted her fave girlies. The weekend turned out a bit more expensive than we had anticipated, but of course it was all worth it to celebrate [...]The post Bachelorette Party Bankrupts 4 Of Bride's Fave Girlies appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Rushing into a darkened stadium and dreading what they might discover, NBC Sports producers reportedly panicked Friday upon realizing they had accidentally left analyst Cris Collinsworth in theSunday Night Footballbroadcast booth for the entire offseason. We just assumed he'd gone home after calling the divisional round, but then people at Lincoln Financial Field told us [...]The post Panicking NBC Realizes They Left Cris Collinsworth In Broadcast Booth All Offseason appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Suggesting an unorthodox alternative to standard oncological treatments, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued recommendations Friday that encourage Americans to eat what he described as good cancer to kill the bad cancer already in their bodies. They cancel each other out," Kennedy told reporters as he demonstrated how he uses a [...]The post RFK Jr. Recommends Eating Good Cancer To Kill The Bad Cancer appeared first on The Onion.

BOISE, ID-In what is being hailed as a victory for advocates of the right to end one's life in total humiliation, the Idaho Legislature passed a new death with indignity law Thursday that will allow the terminally ill to be crushed by falling vending machines. Across our state, people dying of incurable diseases will now [...]The post New Death With Indignity Law Lets Terminally Ill Be Crushed By Falling Vending Machines appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Revealing a vulnerable side while sharing the traumatic experience with a therapist, a 5-pound sack of flour confirmed Thursday that it was still processing the lasting emotional fallout of being raised by a single, teenage mother. My mother did her best, but let's be honest: She was a 13-year-old juggling pre-algebra, a clarinet recital, field [...]The post Flour Sack Still Dealing With Trauma Of Being Raised By Single Teenage Mother appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX-Arousing suspicion among the digital marketing firm's employees with its warm and solicitous tone, an encouraging email sent from the account of Pulse of Tomorrow CEO Herb Helminth was quickly flagged as a phishing attempt and deleted, sources reported Thursday. I've never seen anything like this in my life-he even spelled the name of [...]The post Warm, Encouraging Email From CEO Quickly Identified As Phishing Attempt appeared first on The Onion.