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by The Onion Staff on (#7185T)
The post Cuomo Announces Plan To Govern New York City As Independent appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-11-05 11:03 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#717JA)
LONDON-Shivering and rubbing his hands together as he attempted to stay warm, a ragged, soot-covered former Prince Andrew was spotted Tuesday on a street in the Whitechapel district of London begging for a child to molest. Please, sir, may I have a girl? A small one? Surely you have some to spare," said the disgraced [...]The post Soot-Covered Prince Andrew Begging On Street For Child To Molest appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J9)
LEAWOOD, KS-Her eyes widening at the sight of the piece of paper moving inch by inch out of the machine, an alarmed Taylor Swift reportedly looked on Tuesday as her fiance, Travis Kelce, printed out the Buffalo Wild Wings catering menu. Babe, what's that?" said the 35-year-old billionaire recording artist, taking a step closer to [...]The post Alarmed Taylor Swift Watches As Travis Kelce Prints Out Buffalo Wild Wings Catering Menu appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J8)
ATLANTA-As the agency struggles to manage a measles caseload that has erupted to its largest size in decades, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention stated Monday that at this point, it would probably make more sense to start tracking people without the disease. Citing recent data that showed U.S. vaccination rates had dropped below [...]The post CDC Figures It Easier To Start Tracking People Without Measles appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J7)
WASHINGTON-Expressing horror as an unidentified slimy substance dripped on her shoulder from above, White House maid Carla Ovares reportedly shrieked Tuesday after spotting first lady Melania Trump on the ceiling of the Executive Residence.What on earth is that clicking sound? Oh my God, ahhhhhh!" Ovares screamed in terror, dropping a vase she had been dusting [...]The post White HouseMaid Shrieks After SpottingMelaniaOn Ceiling appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J6)
The post Grandma Recalls Wild Teenage Year Before She Met Grandpa appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J5)
Opposites attract, and that's never been more true than in the whirlwind romance of Lundell, a UX guru, and Francis, whose background is more B2C performance marketing.The post Regina Lundell and Mark Francis appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#717J4)
The post Self-Conscious Sumo Wrestler Wears White T-Shirt Into Ring appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7173W)
A new study found that about one in five urinary tract infections can be traced to E. coli-contaminated meat. What do you think?The post Study: 20% Of Urinary Tract Infections Caused By Contaminated Meat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71724)
The post Mike Johnson: My Christian Faith Is More About Not Jacking Off Than Feeding The Poor' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71725)
CHICAGO-His heart racing with terror as he found himself completely surrounded, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent conducting a raid on a Chicago elementary school reportedly fell into panic Monday when he realized there were more children on the playground than he could subdue with flash-bang grenades. Oh God, send for backup-there's, like, 30 under [...]The post ICE Agent Panics After Realizing There More Children Than He Has Flash-Bangs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71703)
The post Twirling Britney Spears Unaware Phone Died Hours Ago appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71704)
Eighty-year-old Betty Kellenberger, without realizing it, became the oldest person to complete the Appalachian Trail, pushing through injuries and weather challenges to finish the full 2,197-mile hike. What do you think?The post 80-Year-Old Becomes Oldest Woman To Hike Appalachian Trail appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716TY)
The post Over the River Into the 'Hood appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V4)
NEW YORK-Following a series of illicit betting scandals that have sent shock waves through the league, the National Basketball Association issued a statement Monday reaffirming its commitment to gamblers only ruining their lives in ways that are completely legal. When it comes to gambling, the NBA wants to ensure basketball fans are only blowing up [...]The post NBA Reaffirms Commitment To Gamblers Only Ruining Their Lives Legally appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V3)
WASHINGTON-With deep unease and outright horror haunting millions of Americans as a great shroud enveloped the land, late-breaking reports confirmed Monday that the darkness had returned. Bystanders first spotted the churning, amorphous black fog at 2:37 p.m., when it arose from the shadows and crept toward small towns and cornfields in the Midwest. From there, [...]The post Breaking: The Darkness Returns appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V2)
LOS ANGELES-Anticipating the project could be the biggest horror hit of the decade, film studios were reportedly locked in a bidding war Friday over a napkin Stephen King had written the word Ghoul" on.It only took him two weeks to write, but it's incredible-it's an entire fleshed-out world," said an insider source, who confirmed that [...]The post Studios Enter Bidding War Over Napkin Stephen King Wrote Ghoul' On appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V1)
LONG BEACH, CA-Wiping sweat from his brow as he clenched a scalpel in his mouth, a man reportedly hot-wired a vasectomy Friday while his accomplice served as lookout.I've got to get in and get out without anyone noticing," said the unidentified man, whose hands shook as he fumbled with the vas deferens, causing sparks to [...]The post Vasectomy Hot-Wired appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716V0)
The post Trump Writes Netanyahu Strongly Worded Check appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716TZ)
Pizzas from both large chains and local restaurants have successfully found their way to this three-bedroom, two-bath home, so that much is set. Reference #24350The post Pizza's Been Delivered Here Before appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#716F9)
The post Dan Snyder Walking Around Commanders Stadium Knocking Food Out Of People's Hands appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#715DG)
Elon Musk launched Grokipedia, a crowdsourced online encyclopedia developed by his company xAI, as a direct competitor to Wikipedia, although users report many articles are seemingly adapted straight from Wikipedia. What do you think?The post Elon Musk Launches Grokipedia To Compete With Wikipedia appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#715BK)
Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau's rumored romance has taken the internet by storm. The Onion sat down with the celebrity couple to discuss their fledgling relationship. The Onion : So how did you two meet? Perry: Lauren Sanchez paired us off as part of Jeff Bezos' plan to breed a higher race of humans. The Onion : [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Katy Perry And Justin Trudeau appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#715BM)
The post ICE Agent, 7-Year-Old Both Wearing Same Military Commando' Halloween Costume appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#715BN)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-In an effort to console the team's star running back as he recuperated from a season-ending lower-leg injury, the New York Giants medical staff reportedly assured Cam Skattebo on Friday that he would only be missing Giants games. Hey, you got lucky-just imagine if you were missing something more important than a bunch [...]The post Cam Skattebo Assured He'll Only Be Missing Giants Games appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#715BP)
LONDON-In a stunning reversal of fortune for the controversy-plagued younger brother of King Charles III, Buckingham Palace announced Friday that the former Prince Andrew Mountbatten Windsor has been stripped of his royal computer privileges. Due to serious lapses in judgment by Mr. Mountbatten Windsor, His Majesty King Charles III has today initiated a formal process [...]The post Prince Andrew Stripped Of Royal Computer Privileges appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7155Z)
The post Neighbors Always Knew Teen Gunman Was Evil And Did Nothing Because They Are Evil Too appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#71560)
WASHINGTON-Asking the children to please just take one since he had to acquire the organs from a sketchy dealer" in West Virginia, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly celebrated Halloween Friday by greeting trick-or-treaters with a big bowl of ape glands. Come and get a king-sized gibbon pituitary," Kennedy said while gesturing to the [...]The post RFK Jr. Greets Trick-Or-Treaters With Big Bowl Of Ape Glands appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7153P)
MILWAUKEE-Expressing enthusiasm about the programming and atmosphere at the Avalon Theater's all-night screening, local man Dan Wittman reportedly attended a 24-hour Scare-O-Rama horror marathon this week alongside dozens of other failures. It's cool that they don't just focus on the old stuff-there's a nice mix of '80s and '90s cult classics and even some international [...]The post 24-Hour Horror Movie Marathon Attended With Other Failures appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7153N)
The post Cursed Videotape Kills Anyone Who Swallows It Whole appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7153M)
The post Scream Mask Left On While Using Toilet appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7148V)
The post Mike McDaniel Coaches Game Lying Facedown On Sideline appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#714PT)
Nvidia became the first company to hit a $5 trillion market capitalization, putting it on par with the GDP of countries like Germany, despite many warning of a possible AI bubble. What do you think?The post Nvidia Becomes First $5 Trillion Company appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#714JC)
SEOUL-In a historic trade agreement that President Donald Trump touted as a major win for an American farmer, China reportedly agreed Thursday to purchase 11 U.S. soybeans. I am extremely honored that President Xi has authorized China to begin the purchase of this unprecedented amount of American-grown soybeans-not merely nine or 10 beans, but 11 [...]The post China Agrees To Purchase 11 U.S. Soybeans appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#714FM)
CHICAGO-Hoping to lock down childcare so they could get out of the house for a fun date night this week, area parents Mitchell and Jessica Ashe reportedly asked their freshly ICE-detained nanny, Maria Gutierrez, if she'd still be free to watch their kids on Friday. Hey, Maria! We know you have a lot on your [...]The post Parents Ask Detained Nanny If She's Still Free To Watch Kids Friday appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#714FN)
The Department of Homeland Security has been carrying out Operation Midway Blitz" since early September. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the Chicago immigration raids. $50,000: Sufficient incentive to treat fellow human beings this way 260: Agents with Celtic knot tattoos 8: Pitch sessions before they finally landed on Operation Midway Blitz" [...]The post Chicago ICE Raids By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7148W)
DES MOINES, IOWA-Revealing that his fascination began practically as soon as he could crawl behind the television, local IT specialist Josh Tannenbaum told reporters Thursday that he's had an affinity for cords from a very young age. For as long as I can remember, I always knew I wanted to plug and unplug a variety [...]The post IT Guy Had Affinity For Cords At Young Age appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#713MP)
Cameroon elected 92-year-old Paul Biya as its president, making him the world's oldest, amid deadly street protests and claims of widespread election fraud. What do you think?The post Cameroon Elects 92-Year-Old President appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#713E4)
CLEVELAND-Revealing a vast, forgotten catalog of legitimate pop compositions, a report released Thursday about novelty musical act Michael Joseph Jackson found that the man who recorded the perennial Halloween classic Thriller" also had a bunch of non-Halloween music. Jackson is, of course, exclusively known for his haunted hit Thriller' and singing spooky lyrics like No [...]The post Report: Guy Who Sings Thriller' Has Bunch Of Non-Halloween Music, Too appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#713AQ)
WASHINGTON-Praising the process as yet another miracle of biology that modern medicine chooses to ignore, a gray-lipped Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke at a press conference Wednesday during which he touted the body's natural ability to transmute lead into gold. The human body is able to do some incredible things if you consume enough lead," [...]The post Gray-Lipped RFK Jr. Touts Body's Natural Ability To Transmute Lead Into Gold appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#713AP)
WASHINGTON-In an effort to manage the American people's expectations, officials at the National Association for Business Economics announced Wednesday that they hoped your heart wasn't set on a house. We're not saying it's impossible-we're just saying you might want to consider keeping your options open," said Jeffrey Birney, an economics professor at Georgetown University, who [...]The post Economists: Hope Your Heart Wasn't Set On A House appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#712ZB)
AUSTIN, TX-Noting that he'd already claimed to be sick, at a dentist appointment, and tied up with an unexpected 9 p.m. football practice, University of Texas quarterback Arch Manning confirmed Tuesday that he was quickly running out of polite, semi-plausible excuses to avoid mentorship from his uncle Eli. He means well, and I don't want [...]The post Arch Manning Running Out Of Polite Ways To Decline Eli's Mentorship appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#712XM)
The new report revealed that thousands of uncontacted Indigenous peoples around the world are facing increasing dangers, such as contact by missionaries, miners, criminal gangs, and social media influencers spreading diseases and clearing forests, that could wipe out as many as half in 10 years. What do you think?The post Report: Half Of All Uncontacted People Could Be Wiped Out In Next Decade appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#712XN)
SAN BRUNO, CA-Expressing surprise and delight at the notion that gals could also shred, dozens of YouTube users who stumbled upon the Mousers' cover of Bikini Kill's Rebel Girl" revealed Wednesday that they were astounded to learn chicks were able to rock too. Wow, it turns out that ladies can play some pretty heavy riffs," [...]The post YouTube Comment Section Astounded To Learn Chicks Can Rock Too appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#712KZ)
The post Low Papapproval Ratings appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#712M0)
1 FROWNIN' AT NIGHT THE WEEKEND 2 EMBERS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT TAYLOR SWIFT 3 PORK ME WITH YOUR CHODE SABRINA CARPENTER 4 RATTLING CHAINS AND SCREANS (9-HOUR VERSION) HALLOWEEN SOUNDS 5 SUSHI IS TOO EXPENSIVE RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE 6 I SPENT ALL MY MONEY ON VIDEO GAMES BEYONCE 7 DARK RISE OF THE [...]The post The Onion's Top Songs: October 2025 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#712GY)
The post Trump Accused Of Using Makeup To Conceal Ventilator appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#711W7)
WASHINGTON-Claiming that the sacred ash tree had outlived its usefulness and needed to be updated, President Donald Trump made remarks Monday defending his demolition of Yggdrasil, the ancient tree of life. Yggdrasil was becoming a total eyesore and its roots could barely be used to travel from the well Urarbrunnr to the spring Hvergelmir," said [...]The post Trump Defends Demolition Of Yggdrasil, Ancient Tree Of Life appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#711SM)
Another season of Nobody Wants This dropped on Netflix, marking a new chapter in the love story between a sex-positive podcaster and a rabbi in Los Angeles. Here is everything we know about season two of the breakout rom-com series. Kristen Bell prepared for the role by spending six months learning how to eat a [...]The post Everything We Know About Nobody Wants This' Season 2 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#711SN)
An investor group that includes Travis Kelce has acquired about 9% of Six Flags Entertainment Corporation, planning to advocate for strategic changes to improve visitor experience. What do you think?The post Travis Kelce Part Of Investor Group Aiming To Revive Six Flags appeared first on The Onion.