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by The Onion Staff on (#75Z8P)
NEW YORK-Describing some of the new branded products available for purchase at shows, a spokesperson for Harry Styles confirmed this week that merchandise for the singer's 2026 Together, Together tour included perimenopause supplements. We are so pleased to provide concertgoers with an assortment of vitamins, minerals, and herbs that may ease symptoms as they Kiss [...]The post New Harry Styles Tour Merch Includes Perimenopause Supplements appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-05-29 23:18 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#75Z6B)
VATICAN CITY-Lambasting the muddled" plotlines of the post-Lucas era in a staggering 60,000 words, Pope Leo XIV released a new encyclical Friday on the perils of Disney's Star Wars strategy. The Star Wars franchise, created by God in all its grandeur, is today facing a pivotal choice: either to construct a new Tower of Babel [...]The post Pope Releases Encyclical On Perils Of Disney's Star Wars' Strategy appeared first on The Onion.
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by jonny levin on (#75Z3R)
The Onion shares the 20 most popular tracks of May.The post Top Songs May 2026 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75Z14)
MENLO PARK, CA-Expressing frustration about the frequent error hampering the overall user experience, Meta Glasses wearers worldwide confirmed Friday encountering a bug where they are able to see Mark Zuckerberg's memories. I was filming video of my road trip with my Meta Oakleys and all of a sudden I'm seeing the POV of someone throwing [...]The post Meta Glasses Users Report Bug Where They Can See Mark Zuckerberg's Memories appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75Z13)
PARIS-Steadfast in their devotion to the treasured cultural keystone of their community, the roughly 743.5 million residents of Europe gathered Friday to announce that there's nothing anyone can do to make them stop loving Michael Jackson. You may try to break down our resolve with accusations that he engaged in inappropriate sexual behaviors, but our [...]The post Europeans Announce There Nothing Anyone Can Do To Make Them Stop Loving Michael Jackson appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75Z12)
The post Pit Bull Makes Throat-Slitting Gesture While Owner Not Looking appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75Z11)
Kacey Musgraves has released Middle Of Nowhere, her seventh studio album. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the country star. Genre: Sonically conservative, lyrically liberal Twangitude: 2.5 Glen Campbells How She Was Discovered In Nashville: Abandoned by bachelorette party Awards And Achievements: 4 Grammys turned into bongs Hair: Purebred Friesian Biggest Rival: [...]The post Artist Profile: Kacey Musgraves appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75Z10)
An executive order by President Trump intended to create a deep sea mining industry has spurred millions of dollars of investment, prompting fast-tracked permitting as companies rush to extract material from the bottom of the ocean. What do you think?The post Trump Executive Order Kickstarts Deep Sea Mining Rush appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75YDH)
South Korean businessman Chung Yong-jin, chairman of an investment group that owns a majority stake in Starbucks Korea, bowed three times to apologize for an ad that appeared to mock the victims of a violent 1980 military crackdown on pro-democracy demonstrators. What do you think?The post South Korean Starbucks Apologizes For Ad That Evoked Massacre appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75YB6)
SUMMIT, NJ-In a surprise attack of astonishing brutality, oral cavity sources confirmed Thursday that the Listerine inside a local mouth was leaving 0.1% of germs alive in order to spread a message of terror throughout the microbial community. The mouthwash killed my entire colony and then told me to bear witness to the horrors I [...]The post Listerine Leaves 0.1% Of Germs Alive To Spread Message Of Terror Throughout Microbial Community appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75YB7)
The post DOJ Launches Criminal Investigation Into All Women appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75Y2X)
WASHINGTON-Mashing their faces together as he produced loud smooching sounds, President Donald Trump made figurines of himself and his daughter Ivanka Trump kiss in a model of his under-construction White House ballroom, reports confirmed Thursday. According to sources, Trump raised the pitch of his voice and said, Such a splendid ballroom, Daddy! Let us dance!" [...]The post Trump Makes Figurines Of Himself, Ivanka Kiss In Miniature Ballroom Model appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75Y2W)
LOS ANGELES-Letting out a deep sigh after reading another review of the HBO show's third and final season, former NFL running back Marshawn Lynch reportedly expressed regret Thursday for having turned down a Chili's ad for a role in Euphoria. That's it, I'm ruined," said Lynch, who told reporters he was kicking [himself]" over his [...]The post Marshawn Lynch Regrets Turning Down Chili's Ad For Euphoria' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75Y2V)
MIAMI-Trembling as he held a hand mirror to his face to behold his ghastly new form, internet personality Clavicular reportedly woke up as a hideous, jawless monster Thursday after rating an old crone's looks a four out of 10. Oh God, oh God-what has she done? I'm a monstrosity! I'm hideous!" said the formerly chisel-jawed [...]The post Clavicular Wakes Up As Hideous, Jawless Monster After Rating Old Crone A 4 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75Y2T)
The post Secret Service Tackles Blood Clot That Jumped White House Fence appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75Y2S)
Pope Leo XIV published his first encyclical Monday, warning about the dangers of artificial intelligence.Here's what you need to know about the document. Q: What is an encyclical? A: It's like a company-wide email, except this one is skeptical of AI. Q: What is the encyclical titled? A: Magnifica_Humanitas_final.docx Q: Were any AI companies or [...]The post What To Know About Pope Leo's Encyclical On AI appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75XKQ)
The inaugural Enhanced Games, consisting of weightlifting, swimming, and sprinting, were held, which allowed competitors to take performance-enhancing drugs in hopes of pushing the limits of human achievement. What do you think?The post Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75XKR)
BOONE, NC-Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara Vasques expressed concern Wednesday that she was in a codependent relationship with the rest of humanity. Sometimes things will be great with me and the human race, but then I start to worry that I don't [...]The post Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75XHN)
STARBASE, TX-Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up a text thread Wednesday to see if any of his 13 kids had ketamine. Hey kids, it's Dad, I've just been crashing out hard and need a few bumps of K to get me to the [...]The post Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids Has Ketamine appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75XHP)
WASHINGTON-Proudly declaring that the exam revealed what he had known all along, President Donald Trump boasted Wednesday that his annual physical turned up no signs of pedophilia. The doctors gave me the most thoroughpedophilia testing you can get, and I'm totally clean," said Trump, who claimed he had not only tested negative on pedophilia blood [...]The post Trump Boasts Annual Physical Turned Up No Signs Of Pedophilia appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75WRR)
BETHESDA, MD-Complaining during his annual physical Tuesday that the narrow tubelike structure offered next to no room for socializing, President Donald Trump decried the lack of space to host parties inside an MRI machine. It's so cramped that maybe you can fit one or two foreign dignitaries or CEOs in there at most," said the [...]The post Trump Decries Lack Of Space To Host Parties Inside MRI Machine appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75WPD)
The post The Mandalorian And Grogu' Slammed By Fans As Third-Best Star Wars' Film appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75WPE)
WASHINGTON-Growing increasingly angry and pacing his office, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly shaking with rage Tuesday after imagining a plus-sized astronaut. Ugh, it makes me fucking sick to think about some fatass floating through space making Americans look like pathetic slobs," said Hegseth, a large vein pulsating across his beet-red forehead as he [...]The post Pete Hegseth Shaking With Rage After Imagining Plus-Sized Astronaut appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75WEQ)
The post Grandma Demoted To Sippy Cup appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75WEP)
The post H&R Block Location Mistaken For Backrooms' Fan Event appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75WEN)
The post All About That Lace appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75WEM)
Faculty at Harvard University voted to set limits on the number of A's awarded to students, citing the need to curb grade inflation. What do you think?The post Harvard Caps Number Of A Grades appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75WEK)
Top-ranked tennis player Jannik Sinner arrives at the French Open on a 29-match win streak, having recently swept six consecutive ATP 1000 titles and completed the Career Golden Masters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the four-time Grand Slam champion. Height: 8-foot-6 (with tennis racquet on head) Opacity: 37% Pre-Match Ritual: Watching [...]The post Player Profile: Jannik Sinner appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75VRE)
PEACH CREEK, KY-Taking an opportunity to firmly reiterate their stance that it weren't their intention, America's simple-minded bumpkins issued a joint statement Monday confirming they don't mean no harm to nobody. We don't wish no ill 'pon nobody, no sir," said bumpkin spokesperson Billy Lee Bubba" Toddums, his beefy hands limp in the pockets of [...]The post Nation's Simple-Minded Bumpkins Announce They Don't Mean No Harm To Nobody appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75VRD)
The post Park Gazebo Celebrates 20th Year Without A Sober Person Inside It appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75TV7)
After months of mounting pressure, the Democratic National Committee released a draft of its 2024 election autopsy report, which fails to incorporate information from interviews with Biden or Harris and doesn't use the words Israel" or Gaza." What do you think?The post Democrats Release 2024 Election Autopsy appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75TDX)
LOS ANGELES-Reminding the mother-to-be that everything she did now could have consequences for her unborn child, local obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Carol Koenig reportedly warned Call Her Daddy host Alex Cooper on Friday to avoid public feuds during her first trimester of pregnancy. While the fetus is still in this early developmental phase, it's best to avoid [...]The post Ob-Gyn Warns Alex Cooper To Avoid Public Feuds In First Trimester appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75TDY)
The post Cruel Stage Mom Shoves 100 Milligrams Of Adderall Down Grogu's Throat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75TDZ)
Many Americans are foregoing traditional grass lawns in favor of native plants, drought-resistent succulents, and even rocks. The Onion examines the pros and cons of alternative landscaping. PRO Fucks with stupid ants Delays climate apocalypse by 0.3 seconds Housing of pollinators provides great source of passive rental income Less food for those horrible, horrible rabbits [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Non-Grass Lawns appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75TE0)
LOS ANGELES-Touting the success of his intensive anti-aging regimen Project Blueprint, tech multimillionaire Bryan Johnson announced Monday that he had split back into a sperm and an egg. Thanks to my team of regenerative health physicians, I have effectively reversed the aging process and have never looked or felt more healthy and youthful," said the [...]The post Anti-Aging Millionaire Announces He Has Split Back Into Sperm And Egg appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75TE1)
WASHINGTON-In a dire health emergency that forced staffers to quickly mobilize to save the Cabinet member's life, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly rushed to the gym Friday after suffering a sudden heart attack. Quick, get him on an elliptical, now! He's fading!" said HHS staffer Kathy Guiles, attempting to hook the secretary [...]The post RFK Jr. Rushed To Gym After Heart Attack appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75TBM)
NEW YORK-Warning that curt greetings and aggressive demands could be a sign someone was a scammer, JPMorgan Chase officials reminded customers Friday to only share banking information with people who seemed nice. Fraudsters can use your online passwords and PINs to drain your accounts before you even notice, so always take extra precautions to verify [...]The post Chase Reminds Customers To Only Share Banking Information With People Who Seem Nice appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75TBN)
NEW YORK-Calling the innovation a remarkable step forward in removing fallible judgment from the game, MLB executives announced Friday that they would be attempting to reduce human error with new electronic bat boys. Until now, MLB has depended on the discernment of 13-year-olds to ferry gear to and from the batter's box, and the reality [...]The post MLB Attempts To Reduce Human Error With New Electronic Bat Boys appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75T5P)
The post Tiger Woods Completes 12-Step AA Program In 9 appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#75T5N)
The post Questions Grow Over Mystery Of Missing Legislative Branch appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75T5M)
The post Mom Mails Son Jar She Needs Opened appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75T5K)
A study found that Japanese eels have two different types of sperm, shedding light on why fisheries encountered such low fertility rates during artificial insemination. What do you think?The post Japanese Eels Revealed To Have 2 Types Of Sperm appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75SNJ)
The Department of Justice filed charges, including murder and conspiring to kill U.S. nationals, against former Cuban President Raul Castro for the 1996 downing of civilian aircraft, raising the specter of war as tensions ramp up with the Communist island nation. What do you think?The post U.S. Indicts Former Cuban President appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75SNK)
The post Shai Gilgeous-Alexander Trying To Draw Foul While Shooting Free Throw appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75SK7)
SUN PRAIRIE, WI-Struggling feebly against the temptation to abandon the ethical standards he swore to uphold upon his election to the position, local student council treasurer Grayson Burner's deepest convictions were reportedly tested Thursday after he obtained access to $52 in singles. Let's not do anything too hasty-this kind of money doesn't come along every [...]The post Student Council Treasurer's Deepest Convictions Tested By Access To $52 In Singles appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75SFA)
The post OpenAI Announces Construction Of New Data Center On Top Of Sick Child appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75SCJ)
LOS ANGELES-Flashing her freshly manicured nails in a show of dominance, Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills cast member Kyle Richards was seen Thursday circling menacingly around the table where The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives' California spinoff was filming. I don't care what you Mormon wives get up to in Utah, but California is mine, [...]The post Kyle Richards Menacingly Circles Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives' Spinoff Shoot appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75SCK)
Since the U.S. and Israel attacked Iran on Feb. 28, hostilities have escalated into naval blockades and threats from both sides that could spark a wider war. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the conflict. 10-20 Synonyms for boondoggle" journalists aren't allowed to use 8.6 million Schoolchildren remaining in Iranian stockpiles 19-ish [...]The post The Iran War By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75SCM)
WASHINGTON-Stressing that they couldn't get enough of the bland icy husks that crumble apart in their mouths, the American people reportedly begged frozen fruit companies this week to keep the giant flavorless blackberries coming. If you can keep making bags of ice-caked blackberries with no taste whatsoever, we'll take everything you got," said Nevada resident [...]The post Nation Begs Frozen Fruit Companies To Keep The Giant Flavorless Blackberries Coming appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75RGF)
LAS VEGAS-His body trembling as he gripped the support bar for dear life, rock climber Alex Honnold reportedly had a panic attack this week at the top of a step ladder. Sometimes, when you get all the way up there and you're a foot-nearly a foot and a half-off the ground, you start to lose [...]The post Alex Honnold Has Panic Attack At Top Of Step Ladder appeared first on The Onion.
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