The Onion

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COLUMBUS, OH-Reeling as she took stock of the damage done in her debilitated state, area woman Brittany Marino told reporters Wednesday she had sworn off Ambien for good after she woke up and saw how many library books she had put on hold the previous night. Oh no, not again-I reserved 16 books, and one [...]The post Horrified Woman Swears Off Ambien After Seeing Number Of Library Books She Reserved Last Night appeared first on The Onion.

OAK PARK, IL-Paying no mind to his forgetful nature and instead lending a fancy free, devil-may-care attitude toward his tendency to sign up for promotional offers,area man Ben Cameron was playing it fast and loose this week with his free trials for numerous subscription-based services. Yeah, why not? I'll try FUBI. It's free for the [...]The post Forgetful Man Playing Fast And Loose With Free Trials appeared first on The Onion.

TACOMA, WA-Operating on pure natural instinct while leaping into action to protect his beloved owners, heroic dog Snickers saved a local family of five from the threat of an herb-roasted chicken, sources confirmed Wednesday. It was a close call, but luckily Snickers could sense the golden brown skin of the chicken we'd just roasted for [...]The post Heroic Dog Saves Family Of 5 From Herb-Roasted Chicken appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-With thousands of aircraft suddenly falling out of the sky after the power was turned off, President Donald Trump announced cutbacks this week that forced the Federal Aviation Administration to unplug the giant magnet that keeps planes in the air. This electromagnet, which I've order to be immediately shut down, is wastefully costing taxpayers tens [...]The post Trump Cutbacks Force FAA To Unplug Giant Magnet That Keeps Planes In Air appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Leaping at the opportunity to make their intentions clear, numerous NFL front offices expressed interest this week in quarterback Aaron Rodgers playing elsewhere, sources confirmed Tuesday. Aaron Rodgers feels like he could be a great fit for the culture of other places," said an anonymous NFC general manager among the flurry of teams across [...]The post Numerous Teams Express Interest In Aaron Rodgers Playing Elsewhere appeared first on The Onion.

ALHAMBRA, CA-Marking the moment as an exciting new era for Elmhurst Management Solutions, employees confirmed Friday that the revival of the company's internship program heralded the coming of age of CEO Richard Bonaldo's daughter. Restarting the internship program after a nine-year hiatus is the clearest sign yet that Alicia has become a woman and needs [...]The post Revival Of Internship Program Heralds CEO's Daughter Coming Of Age appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Charging across the street in order to find out what this motherfucker's problem is," local drunk man Garrett Dotson confirmed Tuesday that he didn't like the way the Kumon logo was looking at him. Keep staring, bitch, and see what happens," said Dotson, standing nose to nose with the neutral face floating in the window [...]The post Drunk Man Doesn't Like The Way Kumon Logo Looking At Him appeared first on The Onion.

SEATTLE-Voicing concern about the adult's aberrant behavior, sources confirmed Monday that it was almost weirder that Richard Shea, a grown man on Roblox, wasn't using the online gaming platform to groom children. If he was on here trying to find underage players and lure them into some sort of sexual relationship, that would be super [...]The post It Almost Weirder That Grown Man On Roblox Isn't Grooming Children appeared first on The Onion.

DHARAMSHALA, INDIA-The Dalai Lama announced in a press conference Monday that he has revised his position that suffering is an inevitable fact of life and that he now believes life is only suffering when one is not listening to golden-era Supertramp. I was recently lent a remastered version ofBreakfast In America, and it went down [...]The post Dalai Lama Revises Claim Life Only Suffering When Not Listening To Golden-Era Supertramp appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Expressing frustration over the vice president's continued presence in both the White House and his life, President Donald Trump was reportedly unsure Monday about what department he had to cut to make JD Vance go away. I've tried the Education Department, USAID, the FBI, and still he keeps showing up," said Trump, who lambasted the [...]The post Trump Unsure What Department He Has To Cut To Make JD Vance Go Away appeared first on The Onion.

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PHILADELPHIA-Looking dead-eyed into the distance as it slowly dawned on him what he had done, a visibly distraught Jalen Carter reportedly fled the Eagles Super Bowl celebration Friday after commandeering a parade float. Oh, goddamn it, move, move!" said the panicked 23-year-old defensive tackle, who frantically slammed his foot on the vehicle's gas pedal and [...]The post Jalen Carter Flees Scene In Parade Float appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Noting that early humans' aversion to confrontation played a critical role in their evolution, a new study published Friday in the American Journal Of Archaeology concluded that written language was first developed to avoid breaking up in person. According to our findings, early Mesopotamians created the first cuneiform tablets in 3200 BCE because they couldn't [...]The post New Evidence Suggests Humans Developed Written Language To Avoid Breaking Up In Person appeared first on The Onion.

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ARLINGTON, VA-Expressing unease with his customer's obvious level of inebriation, local bartender Benny Wallerconfirmed Friday that he had been forced to take away Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth's security clearance. Look, buddy, you're in no condition to be getting behind a desk at the Defense Department right now,"the proprietor of local dive bar the Anchor reportedly [...]The post Concerned Bartender Takes Away Pete Hegseth's Security Clearance appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Interrupting the man mere seconds after he removed a Japanese clouded salamander from its cage, local 6-year-old Matthew Cronin ruthlessly heckled a reptile handler at a birthday party for showing an amphibian, sources reported Friday. Oh, come on, clearly that thing isn't a reptile-it doesn't even have scales!" said Cronin, who added that he wasn't [...]The post Reptile Handler At Birthday Party Ruthlessly Heckled By 6-Year-Old For Showing Amphibian appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-Saying he was more than willing to go along with the request to avoid conflict, local internet user Dan Filmeyer reportedly clicked a box to allow all cookies Thursday so the website he was browsing wouldn't be mad at him. Ah, man, I don't want SnackWorks.com to think I'm uptight-accepting these cookies seems like a [...]The post Man Allows All Cookies So Website Won't Be Mad At Him appeared first on The Onion.

SPARTA, OH-Setting itself apart as a uniquely innocuous object, a wooden spoon is the only thing in local man Patrick Davies' life that is not currently giving him cancer,sources confirmed Thursday. Unlike every other physical item Davies encounters in his day-to-day existence, the bamboo utensil is reportedly not leaching toxic chemicals into his body that [...]The post Wooden Spoon Only Thing In Man's Life That Not Giving Him Cancer appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Stressing that he was open to going far higher to close the deal, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced Wednesday that he had made an unsolicited $97.4 billion offer to acquire respect. This is a very important opportunity for me, and as such I'm willing to put forward considerable capital towards procuring just a modicum of [...]The post Musk Signals Willingness To Bid More Than $97 Billion To Acquire Respect appeared first on The Onion.

HARTFORD, CT-Telling his skeptical friends that he was in no way being hyperbolic as he described his ravenous state, local man Will Childress reportedly swore Wednesday that he was so hungry he could eat an orange. Man, my stomach has been growling for so long that I seriously think I could crush a whole orange [...]The post Man So Hungry He Could Eat An Orange appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Boasting that he had made the most dramatic change to his appearance yet, anti-aging millionaire Bryan Johnson revealed Wednesday that he had put in purple contact lenses. Today, I stand before you a new, younger man who also has violet eyes," said the 47-year-old business magnate, who added that on top of his intensive [...]The post Anti-Aging Millionaire Announces He Has Put In Purple Contact Lenses appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, TX-In a milestone deal in which the Dallas Cowboys owner renewed his commitment to this mortal coil for the foreseeable future, Jerry Jones announced Wednesday that he had signed a 15-year, $500 million life extension. I'm over the moon to have reached a compromise that will let me to stay amongst the living through [...]The post Jerry Jones Signs 15-Year, $500 Million Life Extension appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-As he drifted in and out of consciousness and glimpsed memories of your eyes widening in horror, sources confirmed Tuesday that honestly, the man you recently saw get hit by a bus can't stop thinking about you either. According to witnesses, it might surprise you, but the severely injured man whose face has been frozen [...]The post Report: Honestly, Man You Saw Get Hit By Bus Can't Stop Thinking About You Either appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a major survey of public attitudes toward alternative energy as the climate crisis continues, a poll published Tuesday found that an overwhelming majority of U.S. residents would support wind turbines if they sliced deli meat as well. Everyday Americans want to know how exactly wind power is going to serve our community, and many [...]The post Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Support Wind Turbines If They Sliced Deli Meat As Well appeared first on The Onion.

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PHILADELPHIA-With a hush falling over the city as millions choose to stay indoors and focus on taking deep, slow breaths, Philadelphia residents have been enjoying a quiet week of Super Bowl victory reflection, serene sources confirmed Tuesday. A state of placidity reportedly washed over Eagles fans following the 40-22 win over the Kansas City Chiefs, [...]The post Philadelphia Enjoys Quiet Week Of Super Bowl Victory Reflection appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Raising alarm over what the report called a major breach, a watchdog investigation discovered Tuesday that Elon Musk's hair-plug guy had been granted high-level security clearance by the U.S. State Department. Records indicate that a hair restoration specialist received top secret security clearance despite having no pertinent qualifications or experience beyond performing hair-plug procedures on [...]The post Investigation Finds Elon Musk's Hair-Plug Guy Given Highest Security Clearance appeared first on The Onion.

ST. GEORGE, UT-With the water vapor causing condensation to form on the lenses and impair his vision, local man Patrick Whittle was reportedly forced Thursday by his fogged-up glasses to finish his soup using his other senses. In my blinded state, I must rely on my other senses if I'm ever going to eat this [...]The post Man With Fogged-Up Glasses Forced To Finish Soup Using Other Senses appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA-Bravely responding to a citywide crisis, humanitarian organizations from across the globe arrived in Philadelphia early Monday to feed the city's hungover residents. We cannot in good conscience allow these people to stay this hungover without stepping in to feed them the greasy starches they so desperately need," said a volunteer from the U.N. who [...]The post Humanitarian Organizations Arrive In Philadelphia To Feed City's Hungover Residents appeared first on The Onion.

ZANESVILLE, OH-Smugly muttering watch and learn" as he opened his Chase app and pressed the pay balance" button, local genius Todd Garett reportedly outsmarted his bank Monday by using a credit card to pay off another credit card. Well, well, well-looks like I did make my payments this month," said Garett, who rubbed his hands [...]The post Genius Outsmarts Bank By Using Credit Card To Pay Off Other Credit Card appeared first on The Onion.

TECOLUCA, EL SALVADOR-Expressing concern after he stepped inside the cold, concrete room and suddenly heard the click of a lock behind him, a panicked Secretary of State Marco Rubio was reportedly trapped Monday in a cell while on a tour of one of the world's largest prisons in El Salvador. Uh, guys, I think there's [...]The post Lock Clicks Behind Marco Rubio During Tour Of Salvadoran Prison Cell appeared first on The Onion.

NEW ORLEANS-Delivering the fiery, expletive-laden remarks at a postgame press conference after winning Super Bowl LIX, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni told Eagles fans Sunday, I hate all of you, fuck you." It's sad to think how much greater the Eagles' legacy would be if it didn't have a worthless fanbase filled with such [...]The post Nick Sirianni To Eagles Fans: I Hate All Of You, Fuck You' appeared first on The Onion.