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by The Onion Staff on (#75GD4)
A purported suicide note found by Jeffrey Epstein's cellmate after his first suicide attempt in 2019 was released to the public, though the handwritten letter has not been authenticated. What do you think?The post Jeffrey Epstein Suicide Note Released appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-05-09 12:16 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#75GD5)
The post Doctors Say Digging Own Grave Keeps Bones Healthy After Menopause appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75G1B)
LOS ANGELES-Howling in terror upon observing the Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy in all of His uncovered glory, TikTok creator Alex Morris reportedly screamed Friday after barging in on a bathing Xenu during a speedrun of a Church of Scientology building. Jesus fucking Christ-what the hell is that thing?" Morris said mid-livestream as the ancient, [...]The post Church Of Scientology Speedrunner Screams After Barging In On Xenu Taking Bath appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75G1A)
A study found that birds residing in cities consistently allowed men to approach almost a meter closer before flying away on average than women, with researchers unsure how they are able to determine sex or a reason for their behavior. What do you think?The post Study: City Birds More Afraid Of Women Than Men appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75G19)
THE HEAVENS-In an effort to make the universe a more modern and efficient place, the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, confirmed Wednesday that He would be discontinuing the pebble. Starting in the year of our Me 2026, I will be ceasing creation of the pebble so that I can turn My focus toward [...]The post God Discontinues The Pebble appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75G18)
SADDLE RIVER, NJ-Saying Down, down!" in an assertive voice and repeatedly spraying her with water, local man Justin Landry emphasized to reporters Thursday that his surrogate was not allowed on the furniture. I feel bad, but this couch is expensive, and I don't exactly know where she's been," said Landry, adding that as much as [...]The post Surrogate Not Allowed On Furniture appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75G17)
The post Taylor Swift Fires Fixer Who Forgot To Kill Justin Baldoni appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75G16)
The family of Teresa Cox, 81, will hold a burial service for her this Saturday and then exhume the body a week later for an encore.The post Teresa Cox appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75G15)
TAMPA, FL-Acknowledging that the organization's famously clean-cut grooming standards had grown increasingly out of place in a league that has otherwise evolved to embrace personality and style, New York Yankees managing general partner Hal Steinbrenner announced Thursday that the team had amended its long-standing appearance policy to allow extreme body modification. After soliciting feedback from [...]The post Yankees Appearance Policy Amended To Allow Extreme Body Modification appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75FHB)
A large-scale study found no correlation between school cell phone bans and higher test scores, though the findings pointed to increased levels of well-being among students. What do you think?The post Study Finds Cell Phone Bans Don't Help Grades appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75FEW)
Noah Kahan, the singer-songwriter behind Stick Season," has topped the Billboard 200 chart with his new album, The Great Divide. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Kahan. Genre: Barn wedding Influenced By: Growing up listening to oldies like Hozier and Bon Iver Fans Call Themselves: Empaths Signature Hairstyle: The Crucible Ideal First [...]The post Artist Profile: Noah Kahan appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75FEX)
NEW YORK-Expressing resentment as the evening dragged on into its fifth hour, actress Zoe Kravitz was reportedly upset this week after fiance Harry Styles hit it off with her mom a little too well. I'm glad they found something to talk about; I just assumed the conversation would be more about me, or at least [...]The post Harry Styles Hits It Off With Zoe Kravitz's Mom A Little Too Well appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75FEY)
The post What Are We Doing After Graduation? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75F9C)
WASHINGTON-Claiming that his signature dessert had garnered rave reviews from victims and co-conspirators alike, President Donald Trump took to Truth Social on Tuesday to share the recipe for his famous Better than Pedophilia" cake.This decadent, easy-to-throw-together cake will be the star of any child-trafficking meetup you bring it to, and just like pedophilia, once you [...]The post Trump Shares Recipe For Famous Better Than Pedophilia' Cake appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75F9B)
LOS ANGELES-In an effort to ensure his good deed did not go unseen and unappreciated, customer Angus Helms waited until the barista was watching to disarm a gunman at Highland Ground coffee shop, sources confirmed Tuesday.Dammit, she's still got her head down to empty out the cash register for this guy, and if I grab [...]The post Customer Waits Until Barista Watching To Disarm Gunman appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75F9A)
LOS ANGELES-In a desperate effort to get production of the animated film sequel back on schedule, Garfield Movie 2 director Mark Dindal reportedly begged lead voice actor Chris Pratt to stop ad-libbing Bible verses Thursday.The line is Is that lasagna I smell?' not A companion of gluttons shames his father,'" said Dindal, storming into the [...]The post Garfield' Director BegsChris Pratt To Stop Ad-Libbing Bible Verses appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75F99)
The bride and groom spent Sunday under the impression that they were cementing their union in the eyes of God, who unfortunately was busy watching a Frasier rerun at the time.The post Delaney Airhart and Jack Trusler appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75EMK)
GameStop bid $56 billion to purchase eBay, hoping to challenge Amazon and other ecommerce platforms with the bold offer for a company with a market capitalization over four times greater than its own. What do you think?The post GameStop Offers $56 Billion To Buy eBay appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75EC7)
WASHINGTON-Calling the upcoming collaboration their most ambitious foray yet into the field of human suffering," U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Wednesday that they had tapped Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer, to design their latest migrant detention center. In a press release, the Department of Homeland Security praised Rader, who rose to prominence for [...]The post ICE Taps BTK Killer To Design New Migrant Detention Center appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75EC6)
CHICAGO-Reacting with dismay to the immediate positive results yielded by the hair care product, local woman Taylor Suthers confirmed Thursday that the nicer shampoo she had bought was tragically worth the extra money.Aw, goddammit, my hair really does look softer and smoother," said Suthers, who appeared visibly distraught as she ran a hand through her [...]The post Nicer Shampoo Tragically Worth The Extra Money appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75EC5)
The post Giving Up Too Much Work appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75EC4)
This warm, cozy home is move-in ready and features a pile of 100,000 acorns gathered by the previous owner. Reference #882011The post Hibernation-Ready appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75EC3)
Mountain-climbing enthusiast Derek Sanders, 37, tragically fell to his death Friday on the escalator of an REI.The post Derek Sanders appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DPN)
Students from a Mississippi school banded together to prevent their bus from crashing after their driver blacked out from an asthma attack. What do you think?The post Middle Schoolers Prevent Bus Crash After Driver Blacks Out appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DPP)
PHILADELPHIA-Attempting to remain calm while the massive green creature gyrated on top of the dugout, a terrified Adolis Garcia reportedly asked teammates Tuesday if anyone else could see the Phillie Phanatic. This is gonna sound crazy, but I swear to God, I keep seeing a green dancing bear on the field," said Garcia, nervously gripping [...]The post Terrified Adolis Garcia Wondering If Anyone Else Can See Phillie Phanatic appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DPQ)
The post There Grows The Neighborhood appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DM5)
The post Banksy Claims Credit For Latest The Lockhorns' Comic appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DM4)
I used to struggle with my finances. Every month I'd stress out about how I was going to make rent, pay the bills, and still have something to set aside for my future. I must have read every article and watched every webinar looking for advice on how to get ahead, but the most important [...]The post Taking Advantage Of Other People Was The Best Financial Decision I Ever Made appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DM3)
WASHINGTON-In a troubling discovery that has public health researchers on high alert for a wider outbreak, a team of Georgetown University epidemiologists announced Tuesday that they had confirmed the first known airborne transmission of Mar-a-Lago face.After a 32-year-old woman with no history of plastic surgery presented to doctors with distended lips, eyelid discoloration, and severe [...]The post Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DM2)
The post Capitol Tour Guide Keeps Pointing Out Hidden Spots With Uninterrupted Sight Lines appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DM1)
Amidst rising costs and concerns about long-term prospects, more young Americans are forgoing traditional higher education paths in favor of vocational schools. The Onion lays out the costs and benefits of each option. Exposure To ElevatorsCollege: Moderate Trade School: Extreme Most Popular MajorCollege: Bible studies Trade School: Bible maintenance CourseworkCollege: One-credit bowling class taken 96 [...]The post College Vs. Trade School appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75DM0)
Everyone thought it was strange that the least attractive of the sisters was the first to be married, but no one expected the officiant to announce it.The post Lucy Hastings and Sebastian Gonzalez appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75D8Z)
NEW YORK-In a chaotic scene that sent rising stars, supermodels, and A-list actors scattering, the Met Gala ended abruptly Monday night after Anna Wintour's parents reportedly got home early. According to sources, the sight of the Met Gala co-chair's parents pulling into the Metropolitan Museum of Art driveway caused considerable alarm and distress among the [...]The post Met Gala Ends Abruptly After Anna Wintour's Parents Get Home Early appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75D4V)
DANIA BEACH, FL-Reversing its company-wide shutdown after the sudden influx of capital, Spirit Airlines resumed business Monday after its CEO Dave Davis reportedly found a nickel on the ground. This incredible new funding source will allow Spirit to continue operating for years, even decades," said Davis, noting that the serendipitous surge in resources would give [...]The post Spirit Airlines Resumes Business After CEO Finds Nickel On Ground appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75D2K)
WEST PALM BEACH, FL-Emerging from the procedure after hours of touch-and-go treatment, doctors attending to Rudy Giuliani said Monday that the former New York City mayor was now in liquid but stable condition. We're relieved to report that, aside from some minor ripples and dribbling, the mayor is currently in a safe fluid state," said [...]The post Doctors Confirm Rudy Giuliani In Liquid But Stable Condition appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75D0B)
The city of Westminster, CA redesignated a street from All American Way" to Charlie Kirk Way," with the mayor claiming the change isn't political. What do you think?The post City Renames Street To Honor Charlie Kirk appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75CVT)
WASHINGTON-In what political analysts have called a major escalation" in the commander-in-chief's antagonism toward the cultural icon, President Donald Trump made a number of public comments this week dramatically ratcheting up his rhetoric against Snoopy. At an event honoring Gold Star families Friday, Trump reportedly deviated from his prepared remarks to criticize the cartoon beagle [...]The post Trump Ratchets Up Rhetoric Against Snoopy appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75CVS)
With societal collapse right around the corner, it might be time to roll the dice on this stunning ranch home that will make the perfect fortification against debt collectors or roving cannibal gangs. Reference #894710The post It's Not Like You'll Have To Pay It Off appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75CVR)
According to one estimate, the average human consumes five grams of microplastics every week. The Onion shares tips for reducing your exposure to the harmful particles. Use water bottles made of 100% wool. Drink from single-use plastic cups instead of biting into them. Buy your children wooden toys instead of fun ones. Line your mouth [...]The post Tips For Reducing Your Exposure to Microplastics appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75CVQ)
HOT SPRINGS, AR-Stating that his fellow pupils held him in the highest regard as the most popular boy in the class, foreign exchange student Davor Radogost reportedly didn't realize he was being bullied Tuesday.Everyone in American school is so friendly to ask me how I got a head so large," said Radogost, who told reporters [...]The post Foreign Exchange Student Doesn't Realize He's Being Bullied appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#75CVP)
The post RFK Jr. Sucks Measles Vaccine Out Of Infant appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75BN9)
MURCIA, SPAIN-Sending shock waves through the tennis world, world No. 2 Carlos Alcaraz officially withdrew from the French Open on Monday over a career-threatening haircut. After careful consideration, we have decided that the most prudent decision is not to participate in Rome or Roland-Garros while we wait to assess the severity of this tragic styling [...]The post Carlos Alcaraz Withdraws From French Open Over Career-Threatening Haircut appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75BGG)
The post Casey Means Sucked Back Into Magical Neti Pot appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75BGH)
BOULDER, CO-Assuring himself that the rationale for the ritualized surgery would be revealed in due course, cult member Jason Fitzpatrick told reporters Friday that he assumed the reason everyone's penises were cut off would eventually come up in conversation. The last thing I want to do as a new recruit is come in demanding explanations [...]The post Polite Cult Member Assumes Reason Penises Cut Off Will Eventually Come Up In Conversation appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75BBY)
A nonprofit in Rwanda gave gorillas bank accounts as a way to provide compensation to those who render assistance to them, with both the government and donors funding the project. What do you think?The post Conservationists Give Gorillas Bank Accounts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75BBZ)
The 2026 Met Gala will take place Monday, May 4. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the annual star-studded event. 1 in 3 Invitees aware the Met is a museum 5th Floor where the real Anna Wintour is safely stored while her decoy attends the gala $25 Target gift card awarded to [...]The post The Met Gala By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75BC0)
HUNT VALLEY, MD-Hailing the product as a life-changing alternative for those in need of controlled withdrawal solutions, officials at packaged food giant McCormick & Co. introduced a first-of-its-kind smooth and hearty transdermal gravy patch Tuesday. At McCormick, we know well the frustrations and difficult side effects that come with abrupt attempts to quit gravy, so [...]The post McCormick Introduces New Transdermal Gravy Patch appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75B97)
The post Phish Ask Fans To Stop Hacky-Sacking Sphere appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75B96)
The post Racehorse Receives Carrot Every Time He Wins $2 Million For Owner appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#75B95)
The post Table Tennis Champion Too Weak To Hoist Trophy Over Head appeared first on The Onion.
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