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The Onion

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Updated 2025-05-31 09:32
Study Finds Weed Use Linked To Early Heart Disease
A study found that healthy people who regularly smoked marijuana or consumed THC-laced edibles showed signs of early cardiovascular disease similar to tobacco smokers. What do you think?The post Study Finds Weed Use Linked To Early Heart Disease appeared first on The Onion.
Novelty Car Horn Playing ‘La Cucaracha’ Sends Stephen Miller Into Dissociative Fugue State
WASHINGTON-Causing the White House deputy chief of staff to experience intense psychological distress, a novelty car horn playing La Cucaracha" reportedly sent Stephen Miller into a dissociative fugue state Friday. I saw him walking down the street when the horn sounded, and he froze in place for a full minute and then began shaking all [...]The post Novelty Car Horn Playing La Cucaracha' Sends Stephen Miller Into Dissociative Fugue State appeared first on The Onion.
Hair Loss: Myth Vs. Fact
An estimated 80 million Americans suffer from hair loss, including thinning and male pattern baldness. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding hair loss. MYTH: Genetics are the main cause of hair loss. FACT: Hair loss is most commonly caused by standing too close to an open flame. MYTH: Hair loss is permanent. FACT: [...]The post Hair Loss: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
Guise And Dolls
The post Guise And Dolls appeared first on The Onion.
Tesla Employees Scramble To Make Office Look Like They’ve Been Sleeping There
AUSTIN, TX-In an effort to give the impression that they had been burning the midnight oil while CEO Elon Musk was away in Washington, D.C., employees at Tesla reportedly scrambled Thursday to make the office look like they'd been sleeping there. Elon's going to be back any minute, so make sure to throw some dirty [...]The post Tesla Employees Scramble To Make Office Look Like They've Been Sleeping There appeared first on The Onion.
Crypto Investor Tortures Man In Attempt To Steal Bitcoin Password
A 37-year-old cryptocurrency investor was charged with kidnapping a man and beating, shocking and torturing him for weeks inside a luxury townhouse in downtown Manhattan, all in a scheme to get the man's Bitcoin password. What do you think?The post Crypto Investor Tortures Man In Attempt To Steal Bitcoin Password appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Pardons Tom Sandoval
WASHINGTON-As part of a flurry of legal actions in recent days that granted clemency to more than 25 people, PresidentDonald Trump reportedly pardoned disgraced Bravo TV star Tom Sandoval this week. Thanks to President Trump, Tom Sandoval will finally be indemnified against all the toxic Vanderpump Rules drama," said publicist Brittany Trumble, adding that the [...]The post Trump Pardons Tom Sandoval appeared first on The Onion.
Timeline Of Trump’s Battle With Harvard
President Donald Trump has frozen more than $3 billion in grants and contracts as his feud with Harvard University continues to escalate. The Onion shares a timeline of the dispute's key dates so far. January 29: Trump administration accuses the Harvard Law Review of promoting violent pro-law rhetoric. February 3: The Justice Department announces the [...]The post Timeline Of Trump's Battle With Harvard appeared first on The Onion.
Recession Forecasts Jump After Herds Of Panicked Economists Start Running Off Cliffs
NEW YORK-With unexplained natural phenomena having predicted seven of the last eight market collapses, experts confirmed the likelihood of a recession had increased Thursday amid reports that herds of panicked economists had started running off cliffs. We still don't know what causes them to do it, but economists can naturally sense a recession in the [...]The post Recession Forecasts Jump After Herds Of Panicked Economists Start Running Off Cliffs appeared first on The Onion.
Whole Flight Spent Reading ‘War And Peace’ Over Shoulder Of Passenger Ahead
CHICAGO-After forgetting to bring sufficient entertainment for the two-hour flight from Atlanta to O'Hare Airport, area man Kenneth Vargas reportedly spent his entire time aboard a plane Thursday reading War And Peace over the shoulder of the passenger seated in the row ahead of him. I felt like an idiot for not downloading any books [...]The post Whole Flight Spent Reading War And Peace' Over Shoulder Of Passenger Ahead appeared first on The Onion.
Tariff-Strained Apple Announces 7,083-Piece iPhone Kit
CUPERTINO, CA-Amidst the strain of tariffs, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced Thursday the launch of a new 7,083-piece iPhone kit. Apple customers will have a blast soldering, polishing, and drilling as they build their very own iPhone," Cook said in a Keynote presentation at Apple headquarters, touting the new product as an innovative, first-of-its-kind achievement [...]The post Tariff-Strained Apple Announces 7,083-Piece iPhone Kit appeared first on The Onion.
Interactive Exhibit Lets Kids Figure Out How To Manage Budget Shortfall That Will Otherwise Shutter Museum
MEMPHIS, TN-In a last-ditch effort to keep the lights on, the Memphis Science Center confirmed it had opened a new interactive exhibit this week that lets kids figure out how to manage the budget shortfall that, if it is not dealt with, will soon shutter the museum. Through our Fun With Funding Cuts' display, children [...]The post Interactive Exhibit Lets Kids Figure Out How To Manage Budget Shortfall That Will Otherwise Shutter Museum appeared first on The Onion.
Nobody In White House Sure Who Guy Praying Over Trump Is
WASHINGTON-Although the mysterious stranger has been spotted both on Air Force One and at Mar-a-Lago, an administration official confirmed Wednesday that nobody in the White House was sure who the guy praying over President Donald Trump is. All anyone knows about this dude is that he showed up at a meeting with the Pentagon top [...]The post Nobody In White House Sure Who Guy Praying Over Trump Is appeared first on The Onion.
Rusted Qatari Plane Sitting On Blocks On White House Lawn
The post Rusted Qatari Plane Sitting On Blocks On White House Lawn appeared first on The Onion.
Stapler Not The Same Since Tasting Human Flesh
The post Stapler Not The Same Since Tasting Human Flesh appeared first on The Onion.
U.K. To Chemically Castrate Sex Offenders
The British government will use medication to suppress the libidos of sex offenders as part of a package of measures meant to reduce the risk of reoffending and alleviate overcrowding in the prison system. What do you think?The post U.K. To Chemically Castrate Sex Offenders appeared first on The Onion.
213 Killed In How Do You Pronounce That?
The post 213 Killed In How Do You Pronounce That? appeared first on The Onion.
‘You On The Apps?’ Heralds Beginning Of World’s Bleakest Conversation
LOS ALAMOS, NM-The four words presaging even grimmer dialogue to come, the phrase you on the apps?" reportedly heralded the beginning of the world's bleakest conversation, sources reported Tuesday. Several reports indicated that the already dire back-and-forth was further cemented as among the most depressing ever once the speaker followed up with a question about [...]The post You On The Apps?' Heralds Beginning Of World's Bleakest Conversation appeared first on The Onion.
Grade School’s Gifted Program Admits Kids Who Can Emotionally Handle Time Away From iPad
NASHUA, NH-Providing enrichment activities for students with abilities that set them apart from their peers, the gifted program at Middlebrook Elementary only admits kids who can emotionally handle time away from their iPads, school officials confirmed Tuesday. Our gifted and talented program is an elite option that is definitely not for everyone," said principal Terri [...]The post Grade School's Gifted Program Admits Kids Who Can Emotionally Handle Time Away From iPad appeared first on The Onion.
Artist Profile: Gracie Abrams
Singer-songwriter Gracie Abrams is currently touring to promote her album The Secret Of Us. Here is everything you need to know about the artist. Genre: Treadmill cooldown Image: Girl next door in a gated community Hair Color: Bob Most Famous Relative: 2013 Toledo Chili Cook-Off winner Paulie Abrams Lyrical Themes: Rebelling against au pair Birthday [...]The post Artist Profile: Gracie Abrams appeared first on The Onion.
Kim Kardashian Graduates Law School
Kim Kardashian announced that she has completed her law program after six years of legal studies, with her sister Khloe sharing photos of the private ceremony on her Instagram story. What do you think?The post Kim Kardashian Graduates Law School appeared first on The Onion.
Drug Smuggling Cat Caught In Costa Rica
Costa Rican prison guards intercepted a black-and-white cat carrying over 230 grams of marijuana and 67 grams of crack cocaine in two packages, the drugs having been taped to its body. What do you think?The post Drug Smuggling Cat Caught In Costa Rica appeared first on The Onion.
Kohler Doing Damage Control After CEO Admits He Never Uses Toilets
KOHLER, WI-Rushing out a statement to reaffirm the executive's love and respect for the company's signature plumbing product, Kohler was reportedly doing damage control Tuesday after CEO K. David Kohler admitted to the press that he never uses toilets. David wouldn't be in this business if he didn't believe in toilets," said Kohler assistant director [...]The post Kohler Doing Damage Control After CEO Admits He Never Uses Toilets appeared first on The Onion.
Owner Gives Detailed Preamble For Why Dog Named Mr. Dog
The post Owner Gives Detailed Preamble For Why Dog Named Mr. Dog appeared first on The Onion.
‘Advertising Doesn’t Work On Me,’ Says Chosen One Who Will Lead Humanity Out Of Dark Age Of Commercialism
PORTLAND, OR-Preaching the virtues of breaking free from an oppressive system of mass brainwashing, local man Dan Pearson, the chosen one who will lead humanity out of its current dark age of commercialism, revealed Monday that advertising doesn't work on him. I actually do research online instead of just buying something because of some dumb [...]The post Advertising Doesn't Work On Me,' Says Chosen One Who Will Lead Humanity Out Of Dark Age Of Commercialism appeared first on The Onion.
What To Know About ‘Mission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning’
Mission: Impossible-The Final Reckoning, the eighth installment in the series, is expected to be another box-office smash. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: Who is directing? A: Christopher McQuarrie with a gun pointed at his head by Tom Cruise. Q: What stunts does Tom Cruise pull off in this [...]The post What To Know About Mission: Impossible-The Final Reckoning' appeared first on The Onion.
Whataburger Sued For $1 Million For Not Holding Onions
A Texas man filed a lawsuit against the fast food chain Whataburger alleging that he received onions on his burger despite requesting none, claiming the meal caused an allergic reaction. What do you think?The post Whataburger Sued For $1 Million For Not Holding Onions appeared first on The Onion.
New FEMA Alert Notifies Public Whenever ‘Twister’ Airing On TNT
WASHINGTON-Predicting that the system would save countless Americans from missing an all-time classic, the Federal Emergency Management Agency announced the creation of a new alert Friday that would notify the public whenever the 1996 filmTwisterwas airing on TNT. IfTwisteris playing in your area, you will receive a notification on your phone that reads Emergency Warning: [...]The post New FEMA Alert Notifies Public Whenever Twister' Airing On TNT appeared first on The Onion.
Romantic Teen Stands Outside Crush’s Window Holding Up Peter Gabriel
VAN NUYS, CA-Using a grand gesture to reveal his feelings to the object of his affection, local teenager Eddy French reportedly stood outside his crush's window Friday holding up Peter Gabriel. As soon as I pulled back my curtain and saw Eddy in the rain with the original frontman ofGenesisheld high above his head, my [...]The post Romantic Teen Stands Outside Crush's Window Holding Up Peter Gabriel appeared first on The Onion.
Ashamed Woman Hiding Interest In Country Music Like It Hentai
CHICAGO-Attempting to keep her browser tab concealed from view for fear her guilty pleasure would be exposed to nearby coworkers, ashamed woman Lily Paolini was reportedly hiding her interest in country music Friday as though it were hentai. What am I listening to? Oh, just the music of Post Malone. He's a pop artist," the [...]The post Ashamed Woman Hiding Interest In Country Music Like It Hentai appeared first on The Onion.
Kevin Hagstetter
Knowing it was his time, Kevin Hagstetter instinctively crawled under the porch to die alone at age 73.The post Kevin Hagstetter appeared first on The Onion.
DHS: South Sudan Deportations A Lot More Humane When You Learn What Stephen Miller Wanted To Do
WASHINGTON-Describing the plan it went ahead with as absolutely toothless" by comparison, the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Thursday saying the deportation of migrants to South Sudan seemed a lot more humane once you knew what White House adviser Stephen Miller had wanted to do. Critics can argue that deporting migrants from Vietnam, [...]The post DHS: South Sudan Deportations A Lot More Humane When You Learn What Stephen Miller Wanted To Do appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Shares Own Experiences As Victim Of White Genocide
WASHINGTON-Saying the plight of white South African farmers affected him on a deeply personal level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Thursday in which he shared his own experiences as a victim of white genocide. I've kept quiet about my past out of a fear that I could still be persecuted, but I too know [...]The post Trump Shares Own Experiences As Victim Of White Genocide appeared first on The Onion.
Where Everybody Knows Your Flame
The post Where Everybody Knows Your Flame appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Invites WNBA Fans Who Yelled Slurs At Angel Reese To White House
WASHINGTON-Saying how much he had enjoyed watching their outstanding work on the court, President Donald Trumpinvited theWNBA fans who yelled slurs at Angel Reese to the White House on Thursday. Today, we celebrate these hard working Indiana Fever fans who sat within earshot of Angel Reese and yelled racial insults as loudly as they could," [...]The post Trump Invites WNBA Fans Who Yelled Slurs At Angel Reese To White House appeared first on The Onion.
Elon Musk Announces Plans To Step Back From Fatherhood
AUSTIN, TX-Proclaiming that he had done enough," billionaire Elon Musk confirmed Thursday that he would be taking a step back from fatherhood. I've accomplished all I really intended to accomplish as a father-spreading my seed, preserving my bloodline-and now I can spend more time focusing on other things," said Musk, who told reporters that after [...]The post Elon Musk Announces Plans To Step Back From Fatherhood appeared first on The Onion.
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Ms. Rachel
Rachel Accurso, better known as Ms. Rachel, is a popular YouTuber who creates videos for toddlers. The Onion sat down with Ms. Rachel to discuss education, social media, and the backlash to her public support for the children of Gaza. The Onion: Why did you create your show Songs For Littles? Ms. Rachel: I figured [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Ms. Rachel appeared first on The Onion.
Trip To Asia Gives Man New Understanding Of How Soup Can Be Breakfast
BANGKOK-Taking a moment to reflect on the ways in which his time abroad had expanded his horizons, Cleveland native Dan Steifel told reporters Thursday his trip to Asia had given him an entirely new understanding of how soup could be breakfast. Wow, I finally see how ignorant I've been my whole life," said Steifel, adding [...]The post Trip To Asia Gives Man New Understanding Of How Soup Can Be Breakfast appeared first on The Onion.
No-Nonsense Nurse Completes Entire Medical Chart After Pinching Arm Flab Once
ATHENS, OH-Making a comprehensive determination about her patient almost instantaneously, no-nonsense nurse Mary-Jo McMann was reportedly able to complete a patient's entire medical chart Thursday after pinching her arm flab once. I had barely gotten into the examination room when she grabs a chunk of my arm between her thumb and forefinger and is immediately [...]The post No-Nonsense Nurse Completes Entire Medical Chart After Pinching Arm Flab Once appeared first on The Onion.
Patrick Wood and Helen Shaw
If these newlyweds seriously think they can brush over the fact that they met during Patrick's first marriage with a vague reference to ups and downs," they've got another thing coming.The post Patrick Wood and Helen Shaw appeared first on The Onion.
Flight Flies Without Pilot For 10 Minutes After Copilot Faints
A Lufthansa flight with 205 people on board went without a pilot for 10 minutes last year after the copilot fainted while he was alone in the cockpit. What do you think?The post Flight Flies Without Pilot For 10 Minutes After Copilot Faints appeared first on The Onion.
Faithful Dog Refuses To Move From Spot Where He Killed Beloved Owner
MINNEAPOLIS-Moved by the animal's unwavering devotion, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 4-year-old cocker spaniel Biscuit refused to move from the spot where he had killed his beloved owner. What a unique bond they must have had," said Janice Meyer, a neighbor of the deceased, explaining how the faithful dog had sat attentively on the blood-splattered [...]The post Faithful Dog Refuses To Move From Spot Where He Killed Beloved Owner appeared first on The Onion.
Teacher Asks What First Graders Want To Be Once Child Labor Laws Repealed
LIBERTY, MO-After reading aloud a picture book about a puppy that works in a coal mine, local first grade teacher Brianna Montgomery asked her students Thursday what they want to be once child labor laws are repealed. I want everyone to grab some crayons and draw a picture of what you want to be once [...]The post Teacher Asks What First Graders Want To Be Once Child Labor Laws Repealed appeared first on The Onion.
Sure, If You’re An Unoriginal Hack
This newly renovated home has everything you need to move right in, including a loving Cantonese family ready to welcome you with open arms. Reference #41845The post Sure, If You're An Unoriginal Hack appeared first on The Onion.
Nadia Zafirovski
Nadia Zafirovski, 35, died in what was surely a coincidence Friday when she was struck by lightning while violently shaking her fist at the sky and cursing the name of Thor.The post Nadia Zafirovski appeared first on The Onion.
DHS Considers Reality Show Where Immigrants Compete For Citizenship
The Department of Homeland Security is considering a game show that would pit immigrants against each other for a chance at a fast-tracked path to citizenship. What do you think?The post DHS Considers Reality Show Where Immigrants Compete For Citizenship appeared first on The Onion.
U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat
The post U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat appeared first on The Onion.
June 2025 Best Sellers
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Relationship Experts Recommend Saying ‘I Love You’ Even If You Don’t Mean It
ORLANDO, FL-Emphasizing that it's just words, after all, a team of relationship experts issued a recommendation Thursday that stressed the importance of saying I love you" even if you don't mean it.It can be stressful when a significant other prompts you to verbalize your affection, but if you immediately say I love you,' you can [...]The post Relationship Experts Recommend Saying I Love You' Even If You Don't Mean It appeared first on The Onion.
King Charles Switches To More Comfortable Silicone Crown
LONDON-Noting how the new headpiece was much better suited to his royal lifestyle, King Charles III announced Wednesday that he had switched out his 5-pound, solid-gold crown for a more comfortable silicone one. Unlike my old crown, this silicone one hugs my head perfectly without digging into my forehead or smushing down my hair," said [...]The post King Charles Switches To More Comfortable Silicone Crown appeared first on The Onion.
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