The Onion

WASHINGTON-Expressing shock and disgust that an unspeakable crime could occur at a place of higher learning, the U.S. populace was reportedly horrified this week to think that sexual assault could happen on a college campus. You would just never imagine that bright young students-at an Ivy League institution, of all places-could be capable of such [...]The post Nation Horrified To Think Sexual Assault Could Happen On College Campus appeared first on The Onion.

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President Trump directed U.S. agencies to rename AI to super intelligence" on all official documents, claiming that the term artificial" made the technology sound fake. What do you think?The post Trump To Rename AI Super Intelligence' On All U.S. Documents appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a joint statement outlining the mission shared by hundreds of thousands of elderly American citizens, the nation's 93-year-olds announced a new plan this week to crash their cars into the side of a bank. Some of us will be asleep, some of us will just be confused, but know this: We will be crashing [...]The post Nation's 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Ripping apart the film's egregious" omission, former To Catch A Predator host Chris Hansen took to social media Tuesday to slam Primetime for its inaccurate portrayal of the celebratory breakdances he performed every time he caught a pedophile. Obviously, I'm a little biased since the character is based on me, but I was shocked [...]The post Chris Hansen Slams Primetime' For Inaccurate Portrayal Of Celebratory Breakdances He Did After Catching Pedophiles appeared first on The Onion.

ITHACA, NY-Acknowledging serious missteps in their handling of a 2024 campus sexual assault case, administrators at Cornell University vowed Tuesday that, going forward, rapists would be forced to write much longer essays as punishment for their behavior. Upon reviewing the disciplinary action we took toward the seven Chi Phi brothers who allegedly gang-raped a student [...]The post Cornell Vows That Rapists Will Be Forced To Write Much Longer Essays In The Future appeared first on The Onion.

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Abdul El-Sayed is the Democratic nominee for the U.S. Senate in Michigan. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the progressive candidate. Ethnicity: Scary-American Personal Mission: Disproving harmful stereotypes about jacked Muslim doctors Campaign Strategy: Distract voters with ideas for improving government Largest Attack Ad Funders: AIPAC, Mike Rogers for Senate, DNC Where [...]The post Political Profile: Abdul El-Sayed appeared first on The Onion.

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BUENOS AIRES-After exhausting a significant amount of his intellectual energy in a series of company launches,a creatively tapped-out Peter Thiel announced Tuesday a new startup called Frodo, But Evil." Everyone knows Frodo's the hero of Lord Of The Rings,but he's not in this case, which-I mean, evil is a form of innovation, right?" said a [...]The post Creatively Tapped-Out Peter Thiel Launches Startup Called Frodo, But Evil' appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-With her three wins last night finally putting her ahead of her greatest pop star rival,Taylor Swift surpassed Geppetto the Incredible Waltzing Horse on Sunday as the most-decorated artist in the history of MTV's Video Music Awards. This is truly an incredible achievement for Swift, who for years has been chasing the award total [...]The post Taylor Swift Surpasses Geppetto The Incredible Waltzing Horse As Most-Awarded VMAs Artist appeared first on The Onion.

Tech companies have begun offering personal AI agents, which can access users' accounts and perform tasks on their behalf. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these autonomous digital assistants. PRO Fun to torment a digital slave Never liked taste of water in first place More time to spend with your AI girlfriend Helps [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Using Personal AI Agents appeared first on The Onion.

ROCKFORD, IL-Toilet paper rolls hanging limply at their sides as they stood astonished in front of the home, local teens observed this weekend that their math teacher's duplex was too depressing to TP, a discovery that derailed their night's plans. Oh God, this is where Mr. R lives? Guys, this doesn't feel good," said local [...]The post Math Teacher's Duplex Too Depressing To TP appeared first on The Onion.

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DES ALLEMANDS, LA-Holding hands and giggling as they talked the part-time fast food worker through their sandwich order, singer-songwriter Lana Del Rey and swamp tour boat captain Jeremy Dufrene reportedly celebrated their wedding anniversary Saturday at a gas station Subway restaurant. Lana swooned after [Dufrene] told her she could get any size sandwich she wanted; [...]The post Lana Del Rey, Husband Celebrate Anniversary At Gas Station Subway appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Despite carefully checking and double-checking the credentials of the man who reached out to him via email,FBI director Kash Patel was reportedly phished Friday by a scammer posing asFBI directorKash Patel. First of all, he's got my face as his profile picture, so that right there gave me a high degree of confidence, because I [...]The post Kash Patel Phished By Scammer Posing As Kash Patel appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Stressing that the sport's existing suite of advanced metrics was no longer sufficient to satisfy their hunger for increasingly granular data, baseball analysts from across the country called Wednesday for the creation of a new statistic called B.L.E.P.H.We don't care what it measures or how it's calculated-we just need something called B.L.E.P.H., and we [...]The post Baseball Analysts Call For New StatCalled B.L.E.P.H. appeared first on The Onion.

SACRAMENTO, CA-Saying the newly instituted changes better reflected the realities of modern driving, officials at the California Department of Motor Vehicles announced Friday that they had added a highway chase to the state's standard road test. Test-takers will be expected to safely merge onto the highway and then successfully weave their getaway vehicle through traffic [...]The post California DMV Adds Highway Chase To Road Test appeared first on The Onion.

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From breakout stars to aging veterans, these are the players most likely to define the 2026 NFL season. Aidan Hutchinson, Lions defensive end: After signing a four-year extension worth $180 million last season, Hutchinson should finally be able to afford enough eye black for both sides of his face. A.J. Brown, Patriots wide receiver: Brown [...]The post 10 Players To Watch This NFL Season appeared first on The Onion.

Despite a slew of setbacks, Paramount cleared the last major hurdle in its proposed acquisition of Warner Bros. when it reached an agreement to resolve an antitrust lawsuit brought forth by a dozen states. The Onion breaks down the key facts and figures behind the historic deal to create a media behemoth. 3 Antitrust laws [...]The post The Paramount-Warner Bros. Merger By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

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LONDON-In a damning memoir filled with explosive claims about her brutal treatment by the House of Windsor, Diana, the former Princess of Wales, has at long last given the public a firsthand account of her disturbing experiences living with the British royal family. So many unfounded rumors have been circulating about me and my relationship [...]The post Princess Diana Releases Bombshell Memoir appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Marveling at how his American counterpart's grasp of the difficult language had progressed,Chinese leaderXi Jinping told reporters Thursday that he was deeply impressed with how much President Donald Trump's English had improved since the two last met. He definitely isn't fluent, and I doubt he'll ever get there, but he's truly come a long way [...]The post Xi Jinping Impressed With How Much Trump's English Has Improved Since Last Visit appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Sounding a loud buzzer to signal that the pop stars were now permitted to leave the dance studio, Hybe x Geffen record executives were seen Thursday releasing Katseye for their daily half hour of yard time. We make sure our global girl group members get a solid 30 minutes of outdoor recreation for every [...]The post Record Executives Release Katseye For Daily Half Hour Of Yard Time appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Reflecting on the past fling and remarking how time had flown by, local golden retriever Daisy told reporters Thursday that she could not believe the guy she hooked up with 10 years ago was now the head of the FBI. I remember seeing him on TV and thinking, No, that can't be Kash,' but sure [...]The post Dog Can't Believe Guy She Hooked Up With 10 Years Ago Now Head Of FBI appeared first on The Onion.

Primetime star Robert Pattinson is receiving widespread acclaim for his portrayal of To Catch A Predator host Chris Hansen. The Onion sat down with the actor to discuss his craft, his career, and what's next. The Onion: What creative liberties did you take with the role of Chris Hansen? Pattinson: Instead of Why don't you [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Robert Pattinson appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Saying the man promised visitors access to the real show," onlookers confirmed Thursday that a guy outside the Barack Obama Presidential Center was selling cheaper tickets to something called Barry's Magical Experience." Why waste your time at a freaking snoozefest library when I'm offering no lines to enter the wondrous world of old Barry O. [...]The post Guy Outside Obama Center Selling Cheaper Tickets To Something Called Barry's Magical Experience' appeared first on The Onion.

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A 74-year-old hunter was arrested on felony manslaughter charges after fatally shooting a woman whom he mistook for a deer. What do you think?The post Hunter Arrested After Mistaking Woman For A Deer appeared first on The Onion.

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ST. LOUIS-Kicking himself for missing out on a potentially lucrative financial opportunity, local man Keith Towers reportedly realized this week that he might have become rich if he had invested in rice 7,000 years ago. Damn, I wish I'd had the foresight to put some money down on rice back in 5000 B.C., because I'd [...]The post Regretful Man Realizes He Would Be Rich By Now If He Had Invested In Rice 7,000 Years Ago appeared first on The Onion.

PLAISTOW, NH-Blaming their friend's personalized internet feed for his warped perception of the film's impact, sources confirmed Wednesday that the algorithm presented to local man Todd Bennett had been distorting how important he thinks Gummo is to the rest of the world. No matter which social media site he's on, he's being pushed Gummo content [...]The post Algorithm Distorting How Important Man Thinks Gummo' Is To Rest Of World appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Granting the public permission to disregard the organization's previous recommendations, American Medical Association officials announced this week that huge biceps were now the only thing that mattered for health. Rather than worrying about eating a balanced diet or maintaining an active lifestyle, our advice is to spend as much time as possible in the gym [...]The post American Medical Association: Huge Biceps Are Only Thing That Matters' appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS-Asserting that He'd had enough of the drama," the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, shocked fans Tuesday by announcing His abrupt departure from The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives. Though this series has been a huge part of My eternal life, I can no longer participate in good faith," the Supreme Leader [...]The post God Announces Departure From Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Declaring the military fortifications an urgent matter of national security,President Donald Trump on Monday proposed the installation of a sniper nest atop his youngest son, Barron. We're going to set up Barron right there on Memorial Circle, where some of the deadliest marksmen in our armed forces will be posted around the clock on his [...]The post Trump Proposes Installation Of Sniper Nest Atop Barron appeared first on The Onion.

NEW PROVIDENCE, PA-Expressing shock at how much time he'd been wasting on the mindless activity,local Amish man Eli King was reportedly ashamed to learn Tuesday that he typically logs more than five hours of horse time per day. I thought it was maybe an hour a day at most, but my jaw dropped when I [...]The post Amish Man Ashamed To Learn He Logging Over 5 Hours Of Horse Time Per Day appeared first on The Onion.

PHOENIX-Carefully noting several mistakes he'd made while typing up what would ultimately be the worst mistake of his life,local man Carson Myers spent several minutes Tuesday double-checking thecareer-ending Facebook commenthe was about to post for spelling. Let's see, is it they're' or their'? Phew, that would have been embarrassing,"said Myers, who obsessively tinkered with a [...]The post Career-Ending Facebook Comment Double-Checked For Spelling appeared first on The Onion.

Josephine Walker, 23, really should have picked truth."The post Josephine Walker appeared first on The Onion.

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SAN ANSELMO, CA-Cursing himself for ever thinking this museum thing" was a good idea, a frantic George Lucas was reportedly hosing a wasp nest out of R2-D2 Monday ahead of the public opening of his new Museum of Narrative Art. Hold still, R2-we were supposed to be there 15 minutes ago," said the 82-year-old filmmaker, [...]The post George Lucas Frantically Hosing Wasp Nest Out Of R2-D2 Before Museum Opening appeared first on The Onion.

PORTLAND, OR-Admitting that he was completely at a loss over what he could possibly add, NSFW artist Caleb Driscoll told reporters Monday that he was struggling to improve upon the raw sexuality of the regular Muppets. Normally this stuff just flows right out of me-like, I've never had any issue making Hank Hill or Totoro [...]The post NSFW Artist Struggling To Improve On Sexiness Of Regular Muppets appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying dire financial circumstances had left it with nothing but the most desperate option,the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts announced Monday that it had filed for bankruptcy and would now be forced to auction off the skeleton of its presidential namesake. Unfortunately, we have reached the point where we either sell off [...]The post Bankrupt Kennedy Center Auctions Off JFK's Skeleton appeared first on The Onion.

Vaccination rates of U.S. children have fallen beneath the threshold needed to maintain herd immunity, triggering measles outbreaks in many states. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding the highly contagious illness. MYTH: Measles is just a rash. FACT: You're much too comfortable with having a rash. MYTH: The measles virus can linger in [...]The post Measles: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

A new type of tiger cat that's smaller than a house cat was discovered in the Bolivian cloud forest, marking the first time in a century that a new species of wild cat has been identified. What do you think?The post First New Wild Cat Species Discovered In 100 Years appeared first on The Onion.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-After divvying up a Bud Light six-pack and soggy Subway sandwiches purchased at an I-87 rest stop, a glum group of tailgaters in Section J of the MetLife Stadium parking lot confirmed Sunday that the tailgate across from them looked way more fun.Damn, those guys brought a portable generator just to power the [...]The post Report: Other Tailgate Looks More Fun appeared first on The Onion.