The Onion

With millions of Americans consuming far more sodium than is recommended by doctors, many are looking for ways to cut back. The Onion shares tips for lowering the amount of salt in your diet. Stay away from foods with red-flag terms on the label like flavor." Buy fresh, frozen, or canned jerky. Limit your krill [...]The post Tips For Reducing Sodium Intake appeared first on The Onion.

CLIVE, IA-In an effort to make their selection process more robust and holistic, officials at the multistate lottery game Powerball announced Friday the addition of an essay section. In order to learn more about the wide range of people interested in becoming Powerball winners, we're asking that all entrants include a 2,000-word supplemental essay along [...]The post Powerball Adds Essay Section appeared first on The Onion.

BURBANK, CA-Attempting to outline plans for their cinematic universe to fans, producers at DC Studios clarified in a press statement Friday that the new film Clayface was not connected to Matt Reeves' The Batman, unless they decided it actually was. With so much confusion over the large-scale world-building we're doing, we wanted to clear things [...]The post DC Clarifies Clayface' Not Connected To Matt Reeves' Batman' Unless It Actually Is appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY-In the latest sign that his health continues to improve, Pope Leo XIV declared Friday in an address to Catholics around the world that he would soon be strong enough to battle God. To the faithful gathered here, thank you for your support, and know that I now feel better than ever before-so good, [...]The post Increasingly Healthy Pope Asserts He Will Soon Be Strong Enough To Battle God appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO-Dashing from station to station in a state of pure delirium as he gazed upon the endless spread of complimentary food and drinks, local dad Bruce Etheridge was reportedly losing his fucking mind Tuesday over the box suite amenities at a Blackhawks game.Holy crap, they got hot dogs, loaded nachos, steak sliders-this is the kind [...]The post Dad Losing His Fucking Mind Over Box Seat Amenities appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Peeking out from behind the trunk with a mischievous grin on her face, actress Sydney Sweeney announced, Now my breasts are over here!" from behind an old oak tree Friday. He-he, it's me," said the 29-year-old Euphoria and Anyone But You star, who giggled as she ducked behind the tree and reemerged a moment [...]The post Now My Breasts Are Over Here,' Announces Sydney Sweeney Peeking Out From Oak Tree appeared first on The Onion.

SAN FRANCISCO-Immediately reconsidering her decision to treat herself to a little spending spree upon seeing how much it would cost, local woman Christina Rogers reportedly scrapped her plan to splurge Thursday on account of the price. I told myself I was going to reward my hard work this week by dropping some serious dough on [...]The post Plan To Splurge Scrapped On Account Of Price appeared first on The Onion.

DAVENPORT, IA-In a shocking and distressing display of self-centered behavior on this day of all days," the grown children of Lynn Sullivan confirmed Thursday that their mom was making her birthday entirely about her. It's just me, me, me,' with her today. Unbelievable," said 19-year-old son Brian Sullivan, who was reportedly upset by the lack [...]The post Mom Making Her Birthday All About Her appeared first on The Onion.

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You Can See Everything, a documentary that follows Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes in the month before her prison sentence, has debuted to critical acclaim. The Onion sat down with Holmes to discuss what's new. The Onion: Can we get you anything before starting? Elizabeth Holmes: I would love a glass of $12 million. The Onion: [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Elizabeth Holmes appeared first on The Onion.

NEW ORLEANS-In an effort to boost attendance and reach new fans, the New Orleans Pelicans announced Tuesday an upcoming Basketball Night" promotion honoring the popular sport.Fans at the game on Mar. 11 will not only get to see their hometown Pelicans, but they'll also get a chance to immerse themselves in the game of basketball [...]The post Pelicans Announce Upcoming Basketball Night' appeared first on The Onion.

An Ohio woman sued a hospital after surgeons there allegedly amputated the wrong leg, mistakenly removing her left leg instead of the intended right. What do you think?The post Surgeons Amputate Wrong Leg appeared first on The Onion.

Beyond its laws and leaders, what has allowed the United States to prosper for so long is the unique physiology of its most ardent citizens. Here is a complete diagram of a patriot's brain.The post Diagram Of A Patriot's Brain appeared first on The Onion.

With the election fast approaching, the stakes for democracy couldn't be clearer. We're deciding the fate of our country for the next two years. Because of that, some voters will base their decisions purely on party. Others have specific issues in mind. But for me there's only one issue that matters: hearing my name said [...]The post Whoever Says My Name On TV Gets My Vote appeared first on The Onion.

SALT LAKE CITY-Emphasizing that the ban on electronic recording devices was a rule, not a suggestion, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers reportedly sent a warning to fans at the Delta Center on Wednesday by executing a phone on stage. Well, well, well, what do we have here?" said Bridgers, holding up the contraband Samsung Galaxy S she [...]The post Phoebe Bridgers Sends Warning To Fans By Executing Phone On Stage appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a new attempt to promote efficiency and unity in the way the Americans communicate, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Wednesday that designated shaking an empty beer can at one's wife as the official language of the United States. With the overwhelming majority of Americans fluent in waving an empty beer can at [...]The post Executive Order Designates Shaking Empty Beer Can At Wife As Official Language Of U.S. appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Frantically fluffing pillows and folding blankets in preparation for unannounced visitors, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was spotted tidying up her apartment this week in case federal agents stopped by for a raid. You never know when you're going to have sudden company come breaking down your door, and I don't want anyone to think I [...]The post AOC Tidies Up In Case Federal Agents Stop By For Raid appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-Noting that one's own life often provided the best material, Whalefall novelist and screenwriter Daniel Kraus revealed Tuesday that the story was inspired by the time he ate a scuba diver. My best writing usually comes from a personal place, and Whalefall is no different," said Kraus, who quoted the adage Write what you [...]The post Whalefall' Writer Reveals Story Inspired By Time He Ate A Scuba Diver appeared first on The Onion.

HILL OF TARA, IRELAND-Visibly beaming as he took in the crisp weather and mist-swathed heath on his way to the stone circle, local druid Fograith of the Mountains announced Friday that he was really loving this cloak weather.Oh man, there's nothing better than when you feel that first nip in the air and get to [...]The post Druid Loving This Cloak Weather appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Touting the enormous impact his trade policy has had on the economy, President Donald Trump boasted in a speech Monday that the tariffs he had imposed on goods from other countries had proven highly successful at making things more expensive. Thanks to my tariffs, the cost of buying virtually anything is now bigger and better [...]The post Trump Boasts Tariffs A Huge Success At Making Things Expensive appeared first on The Onion.

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President Trump has made repeated claims of widespread voter fraud as a justification for changes to electoral and election monitoring systems. The Onion looks at key figures behind Trump's assertions of election rigging. 22 States where voter fraud is still the preferred method of voting 84.2 Decibel level of average Republican relative's voice when topic [...]The post Voter Fraud By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Tearing into the sacred plant in a brief but devastating poem, a reportedly livid President Donald Trump slammed the beauty of the lotus flower Monday in a scathing Truth Social haiku. PATHETIC FLOWER," the president wrote in an all-caps Japanese stanza in which he attacked the blossoming symbol of enlightenment, contradicting his previous praise of [...]The post Trump Slams The Beauty Of A Lotus Flower In Scathing Truth Social Haiku appeared first on The Onion.

As it investigates a suspicious substance found in letters sent to congressional and election offices around the country, the FBI is urging recipients to exercise caution due to the potentially hazardous nature of the powdery material. What do you think?The post FBI Investigating Suspicious Substance Sent To Congressional Offices appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Underscoring the enduring power of a gorgeous, swaying crop to make Americans hoot and holler, a Pew Research Center poll released Thursday found that a majority of Americans still go bonkers for amber waves of grain.According to our research, the U.S. populace today remains just as apeshit for grain as early American settlers, who crossed [...]The post Poll: Majority Of Americans Still Go Bonkers For Amber Waves Of Grain appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Struggling to comprehend why anyone would voluntarily be there without a loved one on the field, sources at Sunday's Cleveland Browns game expressed confusion over a fan who did not appear to have a child on the team. Wait...so he just wanted to go to a Browns game?" said a ticket holder who identified himself [...]The post Weird Cleveland Browns Fan Has No Children On Team appeared first on The Onion.

In an effort to lower gas prices ahead of the midterm elections, President Trump agreed to temporarily lift sanctions on Russian diesel exports. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the energy deal struck with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Q: What brought the deal about? A: Trump recently learned that something called farmers" [...]The post What To Know About Trump's Russia Diesel Deal appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Stating that it was about time they got serious about their future as a couple, actress Sydney Sweeney reportedly told record executive Scooter Braun Friday that she was open to converting to the B-list for him. I really want this relationship to work, and if that means skipping the Met Gala for a party [...]The post Sydney Sweeney Tells Scooter Braun She Open To Converting To B-List For Him appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Calling off the event that some had labeled controversial," President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was canceling the planned livestream execution of Sen. Jon Ossoff (D-GA). I still believe it would have been a strong deterrent for the world to witness how America deals with Democrats," said Trump, who stated that the incumbent U.S. [...]The post Trump Cancels Planned Livestream Of Jon Ossoff's Execution appeared first on The Onion.

NIKUMARORO, KIRIBATI-Claiming to have finally solved the longstanding mystery surrounding the missing aviator's ultimate fate, a team of Purdue University researchers announced Friday they had found new evidence suggesting Amelia Earhart was accepted into crab society and lived the rest of her life among crustaceans. Our investigation of a remote atoll in the area where [...]The post New Evidence Suggests Amelia Earhart Was Accepted Into Crab Society appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-Thanking HBO for the opportunity to provoke all over again, Girls creator Lena Dunham announced Friday that the series was coming back for five more controversies. So much has changed in the world since the show ended nine years ago, and I'm excited to see what negative press we can drum up this decade," said [...]The post Lena Dunham Announces Girls' Coming Back For 5 More Controversies appeared first on The Onion.

ST. LOUIS-Drawing skeptical gazes from onlookers for their peculiar approach to resolving conflicts, a weird family at a local bistro reportedly settled a series of disputes calmly and respectfully Friday. It's crazy-they spoke one at a time, listened to what everyone else was saying, apologized for any harm done, and then decided to move forward [...]The post Weird Family Settles Disputes Calmly, Respectfully appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBUS, OH-As they ran freely between tables and emitted a powerful odor of sweat, grass, and damp polyester, a youth soccer team was stinking up an entire Red Robin following a morning tournament, restaurant patrons confirmed Saturday.They're climbing over the backs of the seats, throwing fries at each other, being loud-every time one of them [...]The post Sweaty Youth Soccer Team Stinking Up Entire Red Robin appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Interrupting a heated discussion about national cybersecurity vulnerabilities with a series of high-pitched squeals, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly spent Thursday's Cabinet meeting somersaulting across the conference room in excited pursuit of his own penis. Oh, I'm gonna get you! Yes, I am! Yes, I am! Come to Daddy, you [...]The post Somersaulting RFK Jr. Excitedly Chases Own Penis Through Cabinet Meeting appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After sneaking into his Executive Residence bedroom in order to acquire the commander-in-chief's briefs, special assistant to the president Natalie Harp was reportedly caught Thursday raiding Donald Trump's underwear drawer. We heard muffled grunting and sniffing from behind the president's door, and so our team burst in immediately to neutralize any potential threat-but it was [...]The post Natalie Harp Raids Trump's Underwear Drawer appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-As he described their five-day stint in a padded room and warned Americans against voting for the U.S. Senate candidate, President Donald Trump claimed Thursday that he shared a cell with James Talarico in an insane asylum. Talarico says he was sick with the flu, but don't believe the lies-I was held captive with him [...]The post Trump Claims He Shared Cell With James Talarico In Insane Asylum appeared first on The Onion.

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You know, when the Founding Fathers embarked on the American experiment back in the day, I don't think any of us could have imagined the country doing this well. It all seemed so strange and uncertain at the time, yet here we are, 250 years later and still going strong. And, say, maybe this is [...]The post Maybe It's The Neurosyphilis Talking, But I'm Proud Of What America's Become appeared first on The Onion.

BROOKFIELD, WI-Tracking a shift to a more sustainable and budget-friendly method of handling human remains, a report released Wednesday by the National Funeral Directors Association found that an increasing number of Americans were opting to be buried in an unknowing neighbor's backyard. As they approach the end of life, more people are eschewing burial and [...]The post Report: More Americans Opting To Be Buried In Unknowing Neighbor's Backyard appeared first on The Onion.

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