The Onion

ACEH, INDONESIA-Watching in awe as the wild animal applied the medicinal product to the top of his head, primate researchers were reportedly stunned Friday after witnessing an orangutan use Rogaine to fix a bald spot. This is the first known case of any wild animal using an over-the-counter hair loss treatment...Read more...

WASHINGTON-As mounting campus protests and arrests over the Israel-Hamas war threatened his fragile electoral coalition, advisors to President Joe Biden assured him Friday that this would blow over once all Gazans were dead. Just lie low, let a few thousand more bombs drop on densely populated areas, and you're...Read more...

WASHINGTON-His cell phone ringing and causing a huge distraction right as their piece began, the nation reported feeling embarrassed and devastated Friday after President Joe Biden answered a business call during their big recital. We spent weeks practicing for the spring piano recital, and he missed our whole...Read more...

NEW YORK-With multiple eyewitnesses saying the public display of affection on a Manhattan-bound F train had gotten way out of hand, reports confirmed Friday that annoying teen Thomas Hansler had his girlfriend's whole face in his mouth. Ugh, if he wants to apply that much suction to her forehead, eyes, nose, mouth,...Read more...

LEAWOOD, KS-Urging her boyfriend to calm down after he woke up and immediately began to panic, Taylor Swift reportedly began her day Friday by playing a video reminding Travis Kelce who she is and how long they've dated. Hi baby, I know you don't know who I am right now, but my name is Taylor, and I love you very...Read more...

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AUSTIN, TX-In the latest round of layoffs for the company's struggling automotive division, electric vehicle manufacturer Tesla fired the entire team behind brakes, sources confirmed Wednesday. As we continue to rightsize the Tesla workforce, we have come to the decision that stopping the car is no longer a critical...Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CA-In a daily forecast that took note of a warm front moving into the area with a hot, damp mass of air, horny television meteorologist Troy Pruett advised local residents to bring a white T-shirt Wednesday in case it rained. We expect these rain showers to continue all afternoon and into the evening, so...Read more...

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LOS ANGELES-In a bold new campaign aimed at reversing recent declines in monthly subscribers, a new Tinder ad reportedly told lapsed users this week that they will come back to the dating app like a dog to its own vomit. Just as a fool to their own folly, you will return to your own retchings and happily lap them...Read more...

GRAND CANYON VILLAGE, AZ-Awestruck as they watched the creature scarf down the grease-stained paper product, visitors at Grand Canyon National Park were reportedly treated to the majestic sight of a crow eating a napkin Tuesday. Shh, kids, quiet-we don't want to scare him off," said tourist Pierre Boulard, who took...Read more...

INDIO, CA-Saying it was time to build upon the music and arts festival's two-decade track record of success, organizers for Coachella announced plans Tuesday to extend the event to 52 weekends a year. Doing two weekends annually has been great, but to really maximize the festival's potential, we've decided to add...Read more...

FINDLAY, OH-Expressing frustration with the pressures of working in an underfunded public high school, local teacher Jason Corgenne told reporters Monday that he was forced to pay out of pocket just so his students could have access to the emergency contraception drug Plan B. If we don't have morning-after pills in...Read more...

WASHINGTON-Calling the effort a major step forward in accommodating the needs of allergic citizens, President Joe Biden announced Monday his plan to set aside all land west of the Mississippi River as a gluten-free zone. Today, my administration is taking immediate action to purge this grain-based scourge from...Read more...

NEW YORK-Earning widespread praise from adult viewers, a new episode of the animated children's TV series Bluey tackled the difficult subject of walking in on your parents during their scheduled weekly sex, sources confirmed Monday. We watch Bluey every week as a family, and I tell you, when Bandit sat Bluey down to...Read more...

In response to growing antiwar protests at American universities, including Columbia, Yale, and MIT, some outspoken critics have demanded the U.S. military take action. The Onion asked Americans why they believe the National Guard should be called on students, and this is what they said.Read more...

NEW GLARUS, WI-Tsking her tongue with envy as she put the finishing touches on her teen's at-home hairstyling, local mom Sandra Bennett told reporters Friday that she was pretty jealous of all the dick her daughter was going to pull with those highlights. Honestly, I'm happy knowing what these dirty blond...Read more...

CHICAGO-Standing with the bride amid joyful tears from all present, heart transplant recipient Ronald Huger recently honored a dying wish from his donor when he walked the late pig's daughter down the aisle at her wedding, sources confirmed Friday. Your father wrote a letter before he passed away asking that whoever...Read more...

This uniquely shaped home made of bio-based materials hangs from the eaves of someone else's garage so you won't have to pay any property taxes. Must share with thousands of current residents.Read more...

WICHITA, KS-Complaining that the holidays had ended four months ago, annoyed local shoppers told reporters Friday that Towne West Square still hadn't removed its now-rotting Santa Claus from a seasonal display in the mall. He looked nice when they first put him there, right after Thanksgiving, but now that he's all...Read more...

Today, billions of readers like yourself navigated to The Onion seeking dispatches from America's Finest News Source. Like so many have done through the decades, you doubtless entered the hyperlink in a glazed stupor, hoping to see reporting of grave importance. However, today, this was not to be. You see, The Onion is...Read more...

Rather than specify that a government, army, or police officer killed civilians, many news outlets prefer merely to say that those civilians were killed." The Onion investigates the pros and cons of using the passive voice in journalism.Read more...

PHILADELPHIA-Triumphantly punching through the air as they dodged an imaginary foe, the shadowboxing nation confirmed this week that they had just rewatched 1979's Rocky II. God, the part where Rocky's training right-handed instead of southpaw-oh, and then the chicken-chasing scene! Man, young Sly always hits...Read more...

SAN JOSE, CA-Touting it as the perfect solution for conveying enormous quantities of computer files over farmlands and dirt roads, Western Digital introduced a SanDisk flash wheelbarrow Thursday for hauling 5,000 terabytes of data. With durable wood handles and a sturdy tire for navigating uneven terrain, the SanDisk...Read more...

The House Ethics Committee has reportedly interviewed witnesses about Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) attending a house party with minors, alcohol, and illicit drugs. The Onion asked teenagers what it was like to party with Matt Gaetz, and this is what they said.Read more...

The Federal Trade Commission has barred employers from including noncompete clauses, which prevent individuals for leaving the company to work for a competitor for certain lengths of time, in their employees' contracts, in an effort to increase wages and competition. What do you think?Read more...

OLATHE, KS-Assuaging a client's concerns about a potential problem with their heating and cooling system, local HVAC technician Frank Legrand confirmed Thursday that the random clanking noise the homeowner was hearing at night was merely the normal sound of a pervert's erection hitting an air duct. In an old house...Read more...

LINCOLN, NE-Warning that crime among the nation's youth was spiraling out of control, law enforcement officials told reporters Thursday that hundreds of teenage shoplifters had gotten their hands on Nebraska and managed to run off with the entire state. Last night, a large group of teens loitering near the Iowa...Read more...

MIDDLETOWN, OH-Shocked by the trove of mysterious compositions, household sources revealed Wednesday that a bench near the piano had been secretly hiding several books about music. My God-ragtime classics, Disney favorites, A Charlie Brown Christmas-does anyone else know about this?" said one source, marveling over...Read more...

PARADISE, NV-Expressing bewilderment at the utter lack of spectacle during the jam band's four-night run in the state-of-the-art entertainment arena, disappointed Phish fans confirmed this week that they were really expecting more from the Sphere's visuals than a projection of the group's website URL. Given what a...Read more...

VATICAN-Their excitement reaching a fever pitch as they awaited the supreme pontiff's appearance for a papal audience, a wild St. Peter's Basilica crowd grew increasingly fired up Wednesday as they tossed around inflatable crucifixes, Holy See sources confirmed. Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy...Read more...

Nike came under fire recently after its women's uniforms for the U.S. Olympic track and field team appeared far more needlessly revealing than the men's. The Onion asked female athletes how they felt about the outfits, and this is what they said.Read more...

Being his sexual plaything doesn't seem so bad once you realize you get to wake up to amazing views on his private island every day!Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Conceding that the ethical dilemmas raised by holding onto such an artifact had proven too great, Harvard University announced Wednesday the demolition of Houghton Library, an edifice covered in tanned human skin. After careful consideration and consultation with experts in the field, the administration...Read more...

TAOS, NM-Returning the snacks to the cupboard a few bites before everything in his life would have fallen into place, local man Mario Rossi stopped one Oreo short of successfully eating away all of his problems, sources reported Wednesday. Well, I've certainly had enough of those," the 35-year-old said to himself,...Read more...

NEW YORK-Violating the judge's order prohibiting the former president from killing his one-time fixer, Donald Trump was held in contempt of court Tuesday after stabbing Michael Cohen to death with a ballpoint pen. Given the defendant's willful and repeated refusal to comply with this court's instruction not to shank...Read more...

CARMEL, IN-Though they had previously approved the style and color, a damning new report released Tuesday found that someone wasn't wearing the shirt their wife picked out for them. Sources confirmed that someone, who shall remain nameless, had shown up to a nice dinner party in a shirt that was not the one from the...Read more...

THE HEAVENS-Saying He did not expect the species to forgive Him, a tearful God, Our Lord and long-supposed Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Tuesday that He kidnapped human beings 4,000 years ago to raise them as His own children. I'm so sorry-I know I've always said you were created in My image, but that's not...Read more...

MISSOULA, MT-Bringing significant attention to the fact that the person who gave birth to you has carnal needs and desires just like anyone else, a report released inside your head Tuesday confirmed that your mother is a sexual creature. We can conclude without reservation that the woman who brought you into this...Read more...

Tesla recently sought shareholder approval to restore Elon Musk's $56 billion pay package, which was rejected by a Delaware judge. The Onion asked Tesla fans to explain why Elon Musk deserves the $56 billion payout.Read more...

JERSEY CITY-Lurking ominously as her unsuspecting prey lay naked with his clothes strewn at the foot of the bed, local man Greg Jensen's girlfriend peeked up over his torso during a blow job Monday like a gator in the bayou. According to terrified sources, Jensen's girlfriend, much like an amphibious killer roaming...Read more...

The so-called Western dating crisis has condemned countless men to a solitary life in which they cannot experience the joy of having a wife who exists solely to feed and pleasure them. The Onion explores how the terrifying epidemic of male loneliness could finally be solved if someone were to invent and sell robot...Read more...

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