The Onion

WASHINGTON-Angrily claimings the populace had neglected its patriotic duty to support domestic manufacturing, President Donald Trump issued a statement Tuesday decrying the lack of U.S.-made products lodged in American rectums. Sad how much cheap Made in China' GARBAGE is still being stuffed into people's asses while Great American flashlight and curtain rod makers suffer," Trump [...]The post Trump Decries Lack Of U.S.-Made Products Lodged In American Rectums appeared first on The Onion.

AUGUSTA, GA-Racked with guilt at the thought of making the wrong decision, local couple Anthony Wells and Katherine MacNaughton were reportedly debating on Tuesday the ethical implications of bringing another child into this bar. There are already so many children in the World of Beer-is this really something we want weighing on our conscience?" said [...]The post Couple Debates Ethical Implications Of Bringing Another Child Into This Bar appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Promising to lift export controls on AI chips if they received the rare first-edition trading card in return, U.S. trade negotiators reportedly offered China access to advanced semiconductors Tuesday in exchange for a holographic Charizard. We'll give you state-of-the-art Nvidia GPUs if you give us a PSA 10 Gem Mint holographic Charizard," Treasury Secretary Scott [...]The post U.S. Offers Semiconductors To China In Exchange For Holographic Charizard appeared first on The Onion.

FRESNO, CA-Revealing that all of the company's customers have been seduced by a hidden monstrosity, Sun-Maid announced Tuesday that the girl in the company logo has always been a sentient raisin disguising itself in human flesh. You've bought Sun-Maid raisins all these years thinking that was a kind young girl smiling back at you, but [...]The post Sun-Maid Announces Girl In Logo Has Always Been Sentient Raisin Disguising Self In Human Flesh appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Vowing to restore and revitalize the facilities as a symbol of law, order, and justice, President Donald Trump ordered the U.S. government Monday to reopen Joann Fabrics and Crafts stores as federal prisons.I am directing the Bureau of Prisons to use all 850 Joann locations to house America's most ruthless and violent Offenders," Trump wrote [...]The post Trump Vows To Reopen Joann Fabrics As Prison appeared first on The Onion.

DURHAM, NC-Threatening to have his client sit out the rest of the academic semester unless he was paid what he's worth, Cooper Flagg's agent Austin Brown negotiated a 10% increase Monday in textbook buyback value for the NCAA star from the Duke University bookstore. This Intro to Psychology textbook is top-of-the-line, and we aren't budging [...]The post Cooper Flagg's Agent Negotiates 10% Increase In Textbook Buyback Value At Duke Bookstore appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Questioning the press's past coverage of the man known as the D.C. sniper, social media users have reportedly begun criticizing the early 2000s media for its harsh treatment of John Allen Muhammad. You should have seen the tabloids back then-they were so mean to him," 37-year-old podcast host Leigh Scholler wrote Monday, lambasting outlets from [...]The post Early 2000s Media Criticized For Harsh Treatment Of D.C. Sniper appeared first on The Onion.

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND-Scolding thousands of employees for letting themselves become distracted from their schooling, Rockstar Games announced Friday that Grand Theft Auto VI would be delayed until the studio's developers got their grades up. We understand how much our team wants to release a painstakingly crafted Vice City into the world, but there's just no way [...]The post GTA VI' Delayed Until Developers Get Grades Up appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Signing the executive order just minutes after storming off the set, President Donald Trump revoked federal funding for PBS this week after his grandfather clock reportedly received a lower-than-expected Antiques Roadshow appraisal. For Christ's sake, $2,500?" said a visibly flabbergasted Trump, who appeared to grow more and more irate as the appraiser explained that the [...]The post Trump Revokes PBS Funding After Antique Grandfather Clock Receives Meager Appraisal appeared first on The Onion.

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ORLANDO, FL-Claiming epiphanies just seem to come to him when he sits by an orca tank, local man Troy Morales told reporters Friday that he always gets his best ideas in the splash zone. Something about a 10-foot wall of water crashing onto me really gets the brain juices flowing," said Morales, who described a [...]The post Man Gets Best Ideas In Splash Zone appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Acknowledging that his tariff hikes could result in a frozen supply chain this holiday season, President Donald Trump claimed Friday that any toy shortages Americans experienced could be easily overcome by making the family's servants dance for their children's enjoyment. Maybe instead of 30 dolls this Christmas, children play with the life-size human figurines they [...]The post Trump Argues Toy Shortages Easily Overcome By Making Servants Dance appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Claiming the fantastical creatures were way too cool" to leave their investigation to a handful of so-called experts, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday encouraging Americans to do their own research about dragons. People, especially new parents looking for awesome bedtime stories, need to be reading everything they [...]The post RFK Jr. Encourages Americans To Do Their Own Research About Dragons appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Growing increasingly frustrated by the protracted diplomatic talks, President Donald Trump asserted Thursday that Russia must be allowed to keep fighting as part of any ceasefire deal. It's time for Ukraine to come to the negotiating table and accept being attacked," said Trump, who accused Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky of acting as a barrier to [...]The post Trump: Russia Must Be Allowed To Keep Fighting As Part Of Any Ceasefire Deal appeared first on The Onion.

SPOKANE, WA-Lamenting that all his effort had been in vain, area man Evan Stackelberg told reporters Thursday that his 14 years of avoiding spoilers for Mr. Popper's Penguins had been undone in a single moment of carelessness. I stayed off social media, I steered clear of film podcasts, and then the one second I let [...]The post 14 Years Avoiding Mr. Popper's Penguins' Spoilers Undone In Single Moment Of Carelessness appeared first on The Onion.

MONTECITO, CA-Revealing to fans that the track was about an issue deeply important to her, singer-songwriter Katy Perry teased a new single Thursday by releasing a short clip of a song titled Stop Making Fun Of Me." Working with Dr. Luke on my fav single in years-this is for the ladies out there who can't [...]The post Katy Perry Teases New Single Stop Making Fun Of Me' appeared first on The Onion.

MONTGOMERY, AL-Following the approval by state legislators of a bill that declares every human sperm has a God-given soul, a new measure signed into law Tuesday requires women in Alabama to leave semen on their lower backs for a full nine months. Today marks a triumph in our fight for the right of men to [...]The post New Alabama Law Requires Women To Leave Semen On Lower Back For 9 Months appeared first on The Onion.

HONOLULU-Refusing to pull any punches in his appraisal of the shoddy workmanship, vacationing dad David Stayton reportedly had some choice words about his hotel bathroom's caulking, family sources confirmed Tuesday. Jeez Louise, looks like it was somebody's first time taking the caulking gun for a spin," said Stayton as he grimly surveyed the disaster zone" [...]The post Dad Has Some Choice Words About Hotel Bathroom's Caulking appeared first on The Onion.

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ITHACA, NY-In an effort to help Americans get a better night's rest, sleep experts from Cornell University issued a recommendation Wednesday to cut back on God's light before bed. The Lord's divine grace can put the body into a state of religious excitement, so we typically suggest avoiding His holy light for two hours before [...]The post Sleep Experts Suggest Cutting Back On God's Light Before Bed appeared first on The Onion.

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LOWELL, MA-Doing her best to follow her therapist's advice for dealing with stressful situations, area woman Holly Debling reportedly reminded herself Tuesday not to catastrophize after she spotted four skeletal horsemen on the horizon. Okay, Holly, remember: Just because a great trumpet has sounded at the arrival of four unearthly riders, that doesn't necessarily mean [...]The post Woman Reminds Self Not To Catastrophize After Spotting 4 Skeletal Horsemen On Horizon appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND-Honoring the concertgoer for his seemingly bottomless reserves of energy, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced Thursday the induction of the guy going nuts in the front row. Tonight, we're proud to induct this wild-eyed guy for his commitment to going balls to the wall," said foundation chairman John Sykes, who lauded the [...]The post Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Honors Guy Going Nuts In Front Row appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Explaining that such items constituted a veritable uniform for the notorious criminal organization, FBI director Kash Patel claimed Monday that gavels and black gowns were sufficient evidence to tie an individual to the MS-13 gang. For decades, MS-13 thugs have identified themselves by wearing black gowns and carrying around wooden hammers with which they could [...]The post FBI Claims Gavel, Black Gowns Prove Ties To MS-13 Gang appeared first on The Onion.

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VATICAN CITY-Barely containing his excitement for the selection of the next pope to begin, admittedly catty Cardinal Ruben Salazar Gomez confirmed Monday that he couldn't wait to see who had gotten fat since the last conclave. I know this is super bitchy, but I am basically only excited about the conclave to see who got [...]The post Catty Cardinal Can't Wait To See Who Got Fat Since Last Conclave appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-After dispatching Dear Colleague" letters to top cosmetology programs across the country, President Donald Trump threatened Monday to defund any beauty school that did not adhere to the standards of the MAGA movement. We've set exact metrics for hairstyles that comply with my administration's agenda, and any school that fails to respect our policies will [...]The post Trump Threatens To Defund Beauty Schools That Don't Comply With MAGA Standards appeared first on The Onion.

SACRAMENTO, CA-Believing that he was establishing a firm line between who he was as a person and what he did for a living, local man Jordan Wheeler, an employee of Creighton Industries who will ultimately spend 90,000 hours of his lifetime at the office, announced Monday that his work did not define him. According to [...]The post My Work Doesn't Define Me,' Says Man Who Will Spend 90,000 Hours Of Lifetime At Office appeared first on The Onion.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Uncovering a troubling disruption of America's ecological systems, a study published Friday by researchers at Harvard University found that plants have become increasingly reliant on gig workers for pollination. Freelance pollen transfer has always been a part of seed plant reproductive strategies, but we were shocked to discover that the number of gig pollinators [...]The post Study Finds Plants Increasingly Reliant On Gig Workers For Pollination appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Promising to use all of his power as health secretary to find a cure for the condition, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly directed the National Institutes of Health on Friday to create a registry of U.S. introverts who sometimes get social anxiety. When I was younger, there were never people who liked to spend time [...]The post RFK Jr. Starts National Registry Of Introverts Who Sometimes Get Social Anxiety appeared first on The Onion.