| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2025-12-16 14:34 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#726VZ)
WASHINGTON-Citing an urgent need to spruce up the country's drab perimeter, Congress allocated $45 million Tuesday to hang fairy lights along the U.S. border. This funding will go a long way toward making our great nation even cozier," said Rep. Sam Graves (R-MO), who co-sponsored the bipartisan bill aimed at improving the nation's ambience with [...]The post Congress Allocates $45 Million To Hang Fairy Lights Along U.S. Border appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#726VY)
ST. PAUL, MN-Noting that the traditional carol had undergone an unmistakably hardcore sonic shift, a new report published Tuesday found that the presence of an electric guitar means you can be pretty damn sure that what you're listening to is not your mother's Jingle Bells." Whether you're out Christmas shopping at Old Navy, watching a [...]The post Report: Electric Guitar Means This Likely Not Your Mother's Jingle Bells' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#726GQ)
PITTSBURGH-Raising his hands before him as his eyes turned ominously white, the referee of the Steelers-Dolphins game was heard to let out a blood-curdling cackle Monday before declaring the penalty for defensive pass interference would be no fewer than 10,000 years of winter." Hear me, mortals, and know that for the grave transgression of hindering [...]The post Cackling Referee Declares Penalty For Pass Interference Shall Be 10,000 Years Of Winter appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7268H)
The post FBI Designates Brown University Shooting A Cold Case appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7265Y)
PROVIDENCE, RI-In the hours following a violent rampage in Rhode Island in which a lone attacker killed at least two individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. This [...]The post No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#725ZA)
SPRINGFIELD, MA-Facing intense backlash and scrutiny from critics who say the reference book publisher had failed to take all words into consideration, Merriam-Webster was accused of bias Monday after officially selecting dictionary' as its 2025 word of the year. Merriam-Webster clearly has a pro-dictionary bias that's preventing it from considering all words equally," lexicographer Alison [...]The post Merriam-Webster Accused Of Bias After Dictionary' Named Word Of The Year appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#725Z9)
LOS ANGELES-Emphasizing her ability to meet the film industry's evolving needs, actress Gal Gadot reportedly assured a casting agent Monday that she was more than capable of playing AI roles. I've been told for years I bring a certain lifelessness to my characters," said Gadot, who emphasized that she had been honing her ability to [...]The post Gal Gadot Assures Casting Agent She Can Play AI Roles appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#725Z8)
With the holiday season getting longer every year, Americans nationwide are searching for methods to ensure the focal point of their decor remains healthy and vibrant through Dec. 25 and beyond. Here are tips on how to keep your Christmas tree fresh. Choose A Genetically Pure Tree Of Noble Heritage: Often the reason a Christmas [...]The post How To Keep Your Christmas Tree Fresh appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#725Z7)
Former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and pop star Katy Perry confirmed their status as a couple after a number of public sightings sparked rumors of a romance. The Onion presents a timeline of the pair's relationship. A.D. 1100 The couple's common ancestor establishes two distinct bloodlines. 2008 A trembling 37-year-old Trudeau lies awake all [...]The post Timeline Of Katy Perry And Justin Trudeau's Relationship appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#724HZ)
BURBANK, CA-Drawing back the curtain on the reclusive and mysterious life of the multiplatinum recording artist, Disney+ premiered a new six-part Eras Tour documentary Friday that offers a rare look at Taylor Swift. Fans might know Taylor Swift's music, but The End Of An Era goes where no form of media has ever gone before [...]The post New Eras Tour Docuseries Offers Rare Look At Taylor Swift appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#724J0)
The post Newly Unsealed Batch Of Epstein Estate Photos Contains Rare Holographic Dershowitz appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#724J1)
WASHINGTON-Searching in vain for a meaningful way to retaliate after Indiana lawmakers rejected his Republican gerrymandering push, a visibly frustrated President Donald Trump was reportedly strugglingFridayto find any infrastructure left in the state that could still be destroyed. I'm looking all over, and there's just no way we can make this any worse," Trump said [...]The post Frustrated Trump Struggling To Find Any Infrastructure Left In Indiana To Destroy appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7249A)
Hamnet, based on the 2020 novel by Maggie O'Farrell, is an awards season frontrunner with six Golden Globe nominations. Here is everything you need to know about the film. Q: Who stars in it? A: Paul Mescal plays fuckable Shakespeare and Jessie Buckley plays his fuckable wife. Q: Who is the target audience? A: High [...]The post What To Know About Hamnet' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72498)
The post Tinsel Draped Over Urn appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72497)
The post How Screen Time Affects Childhood Brain Development appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72496)
The happy couple were married by a City Hall clerk Saturday due to a nationwide pastor strike entering its sixth crippling month.The post Heidi Moyer and Ted Chun appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72494)
The post Tommy Lee Jones, Harrison Ford Wordlessly Grunt In Tense New Actors On Actors' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#72493)
The post Mistletoe Held Above Meatball Sub appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#723PJ)
MOUNT POCONO, PA-Delivering a highly anticipated speech about the state of the economy, President Donald Trump doubled down this week on his claim that groceries were a hoax perpetrated by Democrats. They have this new word, they're calling it groceries,' but you can ask anybody-everybody knows food comes from restaurants," said Trump, who claimed that [...]The post Trump Calls Groceries A Hoax' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#723KK)
The post Rubio Orders State Department Braille Signage Switch To Times New Roman' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#723GF)
Girl group Katseye is nominated for two awards at the 2026 Grammys, including Best New Artist. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the group. Genre: Popular girl's bat mitzvah Number Of Members: Four full-time and two who don't know they're part-time Biggest Hit: She'll Be Coming 'Round The Mountain" Fandom Name: Consumers [...]The post Artist Profile: Katseye appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#723GG)
NEW HAVEN, CT-Shedding new light on a previously undocumented effect of loneliness, a team of psychologists at Yale University found that at least 80% of Americans lack the social connections necessary to pull off a heist. When it comes to putting together a crew with the skills needed for a bank job or a jewel [...]The post Study Finds 80% Of Americans Lack Social Connections To Pull Off Heist appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#723CQ)
MARBLEHEAD, MA-Her body seizing with energy after hearing the request from her youngest son to pass the asparagus, local mother Christina Nadler's eyes reportedly rolled back in her head Thursday as she fed on her family's enjoyment of the dinner she had prepared. Yes, yes, ask for another Parker House roll-it only makes me stronger!" [...]The post Mom's Eyes Roll Back In Head At Dinner Table As She Feeds On Family's Enjoyment Of Food appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#723CP)
General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping died from cancer complications at 72 this weekend, but the rest of the bought-and-sold press will never tell you that.The post General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#723CM)
Grey's Anatomy first premiered on March 27, 2005. In honor of 20 years on the air and the series' upcoming 22nd season, The Onion looks back on some of the medical drama's best and worst episodes of all time. Best: Patrick Dempsey Lists the Major Symptoms of Strep Throat" (Season 2, Episode 11) To this [...]The post The Best And Worst Grey's Anatomy' Episodes Of All Time appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#722FJ)
LOS ANGELES-In a groundbreaking finding that reveals a major shift in media consumption habits, a new study published Wednesday found that young people now watch more YouTube content than zoetropes of galloping horses. It may be hard for older generations to understand, but today's young consumers are much more interested in watching videos on their [...]The post Study Finds Young People Now Watch More YouTube Content Than Zoetropes Of Galloping Horses appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#722FH)
NEW YORK-As part of what the telecommunications giant characterizes as an ongoing commitment to transparency, Verizon's customer service line began informing users this week that their calls would be monitored for the company's sadistic amusement. By staying on the line, you consent to being roundly mocked by a boardroom of executives who cackle maniacally over [...]The post Customer Service Discloses Call Will Be Monitored For Sadistic Amusement appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#722FG)
Well, this is super embarrassing. It looks like I must have gotten myself pretty turned around back there and totally missed My destination. I hate to ask, but I was hoping I could catch a ride back to Earth with you guys, because I somehow wound up returning to Mars by accident. I know, I [...]The post Can You Guys Come Pick Me Up? I Accidentally Returned To Mars appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#722FF)
The actual house where Illinois State University sophomores Andy Webber and Tina Gomez shot their 19-minute student film, Rest In Pete. Reference #90835The post As Featured In Film appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#722FE)
Guests spent the evening wondering why, if Chase's family is so loaded, there's only one guy working behind the bar.The post Harris Thompson and Brad Chase appeared first on The Onion.
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Clinic Closures Force More Rural Americans To Rely On Horse Who Stomps Twice When Patient Has Cancer
by The Onion Staff on (#721Z9)
WASHINGTON-In the wake of the Trump administration's decision to require employers to pay a $100,000 fee in order to hire immigrant physicians on H-1B visas, clinics closures across rural America this week have reportedly forced many residents to rely on a horse who stomps twice when a patient has cancer. Without access to board-certified oncologists [...]The post Clinic Closures Force More Rural Americans To Rely On Horse Who Stomps Twice When Patient Has Cancer appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#721P7)
CINCINNATI-Saying the man's reputation was unlikely ever to recover from the embarrassment, sources confirmed Tuesday that local accountant Josh Hunter had completely humiliated himself at his company's holiday party by telling his coworkers he appreciated them. It's normal to have a couple of drinks during the festivities, but Josh made a total ass of himself [...]The post Man Humiliates Himself At Holiday Party By Telling Coworkers He Appreciates Them appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#721JK)
BOERNE, TX-Providing an underwhelming new dining option for those returning to visit family in the area, people who grew up in a small Texas suburb were informed this week that their hometown had unveiled a disappointing local microbrewery.You like those IPAs, right? They supposedly got lots of those," said one family member, revealing that the [...]The post Hometown Unveils Disappointing Microbrewery appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#721JJ)
PHILADELPHIA-In an effort to earn extra income after Congress rescinded $1.1 billion in funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, Fresh Air host Terry Gross reportedly conducted an interview Thursday via Bluetooth during an Uber shift.And what can you tell us about how bull riding has changed since-oh shit, that was my exit. Yep, that [...]The post Terry Gross Conducts Fresh Air' Interview On Bluetooth During Uber Shift appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#721JH)
HIRAIZUMI- CH, NISHIIWAI, IWATE, JAPAN- Struggling to decide whether one on fall or spring would rock their shit more, Zen monk Ken Ito strained for a haiku to knock them on their asses. I could mess them up with that Bash one about the full moon's splendor," the Buddhist monk said Wednesday, seeing a tour [...]The post Japanese Monk Racks<br/>Brain For Haiku That Will Knock<br/>Them On Their Asses appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#7214J)
LOS GATOS, CA-In an attempt to fend off growing competition from Paramount and Netflix, Plex CEO Keith Valory announced Monday that the streaming platform had submitted a $35 bid for Warner Bros. Discovery. We believe the Harry Potter and DC universes will prove excellent additions to our slate of free-to-stream titles including Petticoat Junction and [...]The post Plex Submits $35 Bid For Warner Bros. appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#720WB)
President Trump continues to make misleading statements about affordability despite the Consumer Price Index indicating an increase in costs for many goods and services. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president's claims. Claim: The cost of living is low. True: The cost of living is much lower than what it will be in a [...]The post Fact-Checking Trump On Affordability appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#720PM)
THE ARCTIC CIRCLE-With a vow to destroy the abomination she had created if it was the last thing she ever did, television host Oprah Winfrey has spent weeks on a ship pursuing Dr. Phil through the Arctic, sources reported Tuesday. Sailors aboard the vessel confirmed that while Winfrey appeared ill and exhausted from continuous exposure [...]The post Oprah Pursues Dr. Phil On Ship Through Arctic appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#720PK)
WASHINGTON-During a confrontation in which it was firmly reiterated that the front entrance was for approved personnel only, Vice President JD Vance was once again reminded by White House security to use the service door, sources confirmed Tuesday. Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop right there. You know the rule. You'll need to use the service entrance [...]The post JD Vance Reminded To Use White House Service Entrance appeared first on The Onion.
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