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by The Onion Staff on (#77S2R)
ST. LOUIS-Tearfully admitting that the lifelong problem had finally reached a breaking point, local man Darren Moore told reporters Tuesday that he doesn't like who he becomes when he's around salsa. There's something about when a bowl of salsa hits the table...I become...different..." said Moore, adding that even on nights when he'd try to just [...]The post Man Doesn't Like Who He Becomes When He's Around Salsa appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-08-19 07:00 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#77S2S)
The post Inter-Not-So-Stellar appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77S2T)
CHICAGO-Saying he now saw the woman he'd been dating in a totally different light, local man Arthur Morris confirmed Tuesday that a recent visit to his girlfriend's family provided illuminating insight into why she was Asian. The first time I saw her parents, it totally clicked why she's the race she is," said Morris, adding [...]The post Visit To Girlfriend's Family Provides Illuminating Insight Into Why She's Asian appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77RXG)
ESTES PARK, CO-Noting the bag's elongated oval shape, prominent Wilson logo, and the fact that its owner was walking directly toward a tennis court, a new report released Tuesday concluded that the tennis-racket-shaped bag in local man Marcus Walman's hand just had to be full of tennis rackets. Using a multivariate Bayesian object-classification framework incorporating [...]The post Report: Tennis-Racket-Shaped Bag Gotta Be Full Of Tennis Rackets appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77RXH)
Geneticists used CRISPR to produce twin beagle pups who do not make the lead allergy-causing protein found in dogs, opening up new possibilities for gene-editing technologies. What do you think?The post Gene Editing Used To Create Hypoallergenic Beagles appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77RXJ)
WASHINGTON-Saying he would not hesitate to use force if she continued to disobey his orders, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly ordered a military blockade Monday of a woman attempting to walk away from him in a D.C.-area bar. Until further notice, U.S. troops shall not allow this gorgeous woman to pass," said an irate, slurring [...]The post Pete Hegseth Orders Military Blockade Of Woman Attempting To Walk Away From Him appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77RTZ)
Anyone who didn't know Ben Hopper, 16, would say it was cruel that he died so young.The post Ben Hopper appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77RAQ)
WASHINGTON-Assuring the American people he would not let the legal system sway his judgment in any decision he makes, recently sworn-in Attorney General Todd Blanche vowed at a press conference Monday to remain fully independent of the law. The autonomy of the Office of the Attorney General is paramount, and I will defend it against [...]The post Todd Blanche Vows To Remain Fully Independent Of The Law appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77RAR)
WASHINGTON-Touting her overall cruelty and particular delight at making others feel miserably self-conscious, the White House on Monday tapped a mean teenager from a Zara fitting room as its new press secretary. Madison [Rhodes] has been on our radar ever since she humiliated a total stranger at a Zara changing area and sent her fleeing [...]The post White House Taps Mean Teen In Zara Fitting Room As New Press Secretary appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77R59)
NEW YORK-Slamming both hands on the circulation desk after learning he was 17th in line for Larry McMurtry's Pulitzer Prize-winning Western novel, Knicks star Jalen Brunson reportedly shouted, Do you have any idea who I am?" Monday at a librarian who refused to move him up the Lonesome Dove waitlist. Look, I am the NBA [...]The post Do You Have Any Idea Who I Am?' Jalen Brunson Shouts At Librarian Refusing To Move Him Up Lonesome Dove' Waitlist appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77R5A)
MEDFORD, OR-Saying the infant really ought to save her tears for the real shit that's headed her way,sources familiar with crying newborn Sophia Whitfield confirmed Monday that she had no idea how much worse it was going to get. Observerstold reporters the shrieking baby was clearly oblivious to the fact that any distress she experienced [...]The post Crying Newborn Has No Idea How Much Worse It Gets appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77PZM)
As she weighs a 2028 presidential run, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) announced that she is freezing her eggs, not confirming whether she eventually plans to have children. What do you think?The post AOC Freezing Her Eggs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77PQX)
The post Announcers Watch Angels-Royals Game In Total Silence appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77P9W)
WASHINGTON-Dismissing news of the 70-story skyscraper as a hit job" manufactured by the mainstream media, President Donald Trump downplayed Thursday the significance of a Trump Tower found on Little St. James, the island once owned by the late child predator Jeffrey Epstein.Look, there's a lot of buildings with my name on it, one of which [...]The post Trump Downplays Significance Of Trump Tower Found On Epstein Island appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77P9V)
WASHINGTON-Coming to an abrupt halt in the bedroom doorway and staring in surprise at her husband's exposed entrails, actress Cheryl Hines reportedly walked in Tuesday on Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. vivisecting himself again.Oh, er, honey, you're home early-I'm just taking a peek under the hood to make sure all my [...]The post Cheryl Hines Walks In On RFK Jr. Vivisecting Self Again appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77P9T)
Apparently the main character's mom and the quirky mailman are married now even though we never saw them interact this whole movie.The post Ms. Taylor and the Mailman appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77P9S)
Former Bangladeshi Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina, who was convicted of crimes against humanity for ordering the killing of protesters in 2024, vowed to return to the country despite facing a death sentence, claiming it was her duty. What do you think?The post Former Bangladeshi Leader To Return From Exile Despite Death Sentence appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77P9R)
Singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers has released Lost Weekend, her third studio album. Here's everything you need to know about the artist. Genre: Bummed out in H&M Biggest Influence: SNOOZ Pro Original Smart White Noise Machine Often Compared To: That platinum blond from Boygenius Accolades: Grammy for Best Performance by Child of Two Non-Famous People Bestselling Merch: [...]The post Artist Profile: Phoebe Bridgers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77NXJ)
The post No One Translated To Foreign Players Why They Currently In Cornfield appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77NTA)
WASHINGTON-Blasting the 2-year-old's incessant lying to the American people, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt on Thursday slammed her toddler son over baseless accusations that the caterpillar was very hungry. Time and time again, this vindictive child has served up fabrications regarding the caterpillar's appetite that consist of nothing but radical left talking points," Leavitt [...]The post Karoline Leavitt Slams Toddler Son Over Baseless Accusations That Caterpillar Very Hungry appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77NKG)
Surveillance company Flock's automatic license plate readers, which are used by over 5,000 law enforcement agencies across 49 states, are generating controversy. The Onion examines the pros and cons of the technology. PRO Helps police officers violates civil rights far faster than if they were working alone Garrett Langley's parents will be devastated if his [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Flock Cameras appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77NGS)
PALO ALTO, CA-Telling himself he had no other choice" but to end the simulated character's life himself before his company effectively pulled the plug on the virtual world, a tearful Mark Zuckerberg reportedly smothered his metaverse avatar Thursday using a digital pillow. According to sources, Zuckerberg told his wife, Priscilla Chan, that he would be [...]The post Tearful Mark Zuckerberg Smothers Metaverse Avatar With Digital Pillow appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77NGR)
MCCOOK, IL-Complaining that he couldn't even walk down the street without being mistaken for a world-class basketball player, doughy Eastern European immigrant Vukain Petrovi told reporters Thursday that he was tired of everyone assuming he was an NBA superstar.Just because I'm a 6-foot-10, soft-bodied Balkan man with a last name ending in -i,' everyone automatically [...]The post Doughy Eastern European Man Tired Of Everyone Assuming He's NBA Superstar appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77NGQ)
Kirk Devine, 45, passed away in a hot-air balloon explosion last Wednesday. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that mourners find and return Devine's body parts.The post Kirk Devine appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77NGP)
Scientists have for the first time used AI to create viruses that don't exist in nature, a milestone that has prompted hopes for medical breakthroughs and fears of new biological threats. What do you think?The post Researchers Develop First AI-Designed Viruses appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77NGN)
The post Marlins Jumbotron Displays Message Saying Free Trial Of ABS System Has Ended appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77NGM)
WASHINGTON-Surrounded on all sides by overturned furniture, ripped-out desk drawers, and dozens of loose items flung wildly from their shelves, President Donald Trump reportedly tore up the White House on Thursday in a frantic search for more munitions. Come on, come on, there's gotta be one of those interceptor things around here somewhere," said Trump, [...]The post Trump Tears Up White House In Search Of More Munitions appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77NGK)
The post Manager Calls Bullpen Just To Say Hi appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77MNR)
The discarded upper stage of a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket crashed into the moon after drifting off course over the past year, an event that has highlighted the importance of managing space debris. What do you think?The post SpaceX Rocket Crashes Into Moon appeared first on The Onion.
by The Onion Staff on (#77MNX)
The post Kendrick Perkins Puts On Sleep Apnea Mask Mid-Segment appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77MNW)
Your Own Goddamn House: It's your house. You paid for it. She can't just make you leave, divorce papers or not. Reference #27802The post Your Own Goddamn House appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77MNV)
Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez: The bride's psychic predicted she'd find love, and sure enough, she will eventually.The post Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77MNT)
WASHINGTON-In what is being described as a major breach of White House security protocol, the National Security Agency reportedly uncovered evidence Friday that first lady Melania Trump was a Russian listening device.A sweep by intelligence officials has revealed that Mrs. Trump is in fact an espionage tool deployed by Russia to record President Trump while [...]The post Melania Trump Discovered To Be Russian Listening Device appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77MNS)
WASHINGTON-With the remaining days of August dwindling and autumn rapidly approaching, the nation ashamedly confirmed Wednesday that it had once again failed to make the most of summer. We're running out of time, and I haven't been to a single free concert or even entertained the idea of camping or hitting the pool," said Brendan [...]The post Nation Once Again Fails To Make Most Of Summer appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77KXS)
LOS ANGELES-Clarifying that he was simply curious whether there was a comparable version of himself overseas, Los Angeles Dodgers third baseman Max Muncy reportedly asked teammate Shohei Ohtani on Tuesday if they had Max Muncy in Japan. I'm just wondering if you guys have your own version of me-like, does Japan have a Max Muncy [...]The post Max Muncy Asks Shohei Ohtani If They Have Max Muncy In Japan appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77KXT)
ANN ARBOR, MI-In an effort toirritatetherecent winner ofMichigan's Democratic Senate primary at all hours of the night,a spitefulAmerican Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) reportedly spent $30 million this week to place a really loud bird directly outside the window of Abdul El-Sayed. It might seem like a lot of money, but it's worth it to [...]The post Spiteful AIPAC Spends $30 Million On Loud Bird Perched Outside Abdul El-Sayed's Window appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77KTZ)
BLOOMFIELD, CA-Saying he would need to lean on family and friends for support as he began his journey to reenter society, local man Gregory Webb confirmed Thursday that he was struggling to acclimate to life outside having his penis stuck in a hot tub jet. Shortly after his release, Webb reportedly found himself unable to [...]The post Newly Free Man Struggles To Readjust To Life Outside Having Penis Stuck In Hot Tub Jet appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77KTY)
NEW YORK-Calling the issue an existential threat to American parties, hangouts, and chill seshes, a group of leading immunologists issued a statement Tuesday warning about the rise of good time-resistant supernarcs.Over the past decade, we've witnessed the emergence of narcs that are able to ruin gatherings at rates over 100 times faster than conventional buzzkills," [...]The post Immunologists Warn About Rise Of Good Time-Resistant Supernarcs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77KTX)
Timothy Burnett, 67, was sealed in a mausoleum Sunday along with the living Taskrabbit handyman, Rover walker, and DoorDash deliveryman who will continue to serve him in the afterlife.The post Timothy Burnett appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77KTW)
WASHINGTON-After the nation gamely took another bite in an attempt to place the elusive flavor, the entire U.S. populace confirmed Tuesday that it was detecting...cardamom?I'm definitely getting some nice, almost floral spice on the finish, not quite anise, but something in that neck of the woods-cardamom, maybe?" said Michigan resident Samantha Underwood, echoing the sentiments [...]The post Nation Detecting...Cardamom? appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77K6D)
LOS ANGELES-In an apology to the artistic community, director Eli Roth admitted Monday that most of horror film Ice Cream Man was not made using AI. I know this is a disappointment to many of my friends and fellow filmmakers, but this film was largely made using humans," said Roth, who confirmed what many viewers [...]The post Eli Roth Admits Most Of Ice Cream Man' Not Made Using AI appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77K6E)
Experts say becoming an entrepreneur is possible with the right combination of capital, networking, knowledge, and mentorship. The Onion shares tips for starting your own business. Figure out what people want, and taint it with AI. Ensure you have enough savings to survive for the six days until you give up. Make a detailed business [...]The post Tips For Starting Your Own Business appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77K0E)
The FBI has found at least a dozen instances of Iranian hackers targeting municipal water systems, including the networks that control valves and water pressure. What do you think?The post Iranian Cyberattacks Target U.S. Water Systems appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77K0J)
WASHINGTON-With fragrant smoke wafting down Pennsylvania Avenue as a line of administration officials and VIPs stretched around the block, sources reported Saturday that leadership at the U.S. Department of the Interior had begun grilling up the nation's last remaining endangered species. Whooping crane's served!" said an apron-clad Interior Secretary Doug Burgum, who manned multiple grills [...]The post Dept. Of Interior Grills Up Nation's Remaining Endangered Species appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77K0H)
NAPERVILLE, IL-Veering from the intended subject matter just seconds into their conversation, local father Andrew Parker's effort to sit his son down for a sex talk quickly devolved into a rambling diatribe about all-star two-sport athlete Bo Jackson, sources confirmed Thursday.Well, Caleb, sometimes two people love each other very much, just like Bo Jackson loved [...]The post Sex Talk Devolves Into Dad Rambling About Bo Jackson appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77K0G)
PHOENIX-Horror and revulsion at drastic changes to a longstanding package design were alleviated Friday by reassuring text on a Cheez-It box that promised consumers the interior product still retained its familiar great taste, retail sources confirmed.My legs nearly buckled out from under me right in the snack aisle when I saw what had seemingly been [...]The post Same Great Taste' Caveat Mitigates Trauma Of Snack's New Look appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77HBC)
ROME-In addition to crossing his arms and shaking his head as he listened to the tech billionaire spread blatant misinformation about the End Times, the Antichrist reportedly rolled his eyes Monday throughout a lecture given by Peter Thiel.This second-rate charlatan doesn't know the first goddamn thing about my plans to bring widespread doom," said the [...]The post Antichrist Rolls Eyes Throughout Peter Thiel Lecture appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77HBB)
Deborah Fitzgerald and Quentin Korda: The happy couple were wed in a quiet ceremony attended by 20 friends and one new virus the rest of the world will learn about soon enough.The post Deborah Fitzgerald and Quentin Korda appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#77HBA)
As late summer gives way to early fall, many Americans will head to the fair and seek out their favorite regional delicacies. Here are The Onion's top state fair foods. Smoked Carny Leg Whole Branzino On A Stick Big Ol' Gulp From The Hose Tums Egg Roll Tarred-And-Feathered Corn Dog Deep-Fried Items From The Lost [...]The post The Onion's Top State Fair Foods appeared first on The Onion.
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