The Onion

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Energy company stocks and the price of crude oil surged after the United States captured Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro, with Trump claiming U.S. oil companies would participate in rebuilding the South American country's energy infrastructure. What do you think?The post Oil Stocks Rise After U.S. Capture Of Maduro appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON-Calling the executive's demeanor unnervingly jovial," company sources confirmed Tuesday that Chevron CEO Mike Wirth sure was in a good mood this week. Man, normally that guy is a first-rate asshole, so something must be up," said an anonymous employee, who noted that the typically stone-faced executive had pulled into his reserved parking spot that [...]The post Chevron CEO Sure In Good Mood This Week appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-As he wandered aimlessly through the halls of the U.S. Capitol building, lost Jan. 6 rioter Alex Morris told reporters Tuesday that he was still searching for former Vice President Mike Pence. Oh my God, how am I back in Statuary Hall again? Where the hell is Pence?" said Morris, tucking a noose under his [...]The post Lost Jan. 6 Rioter Still Searching Capitol Building For Mike Pence appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Lauding the breakthrough as a pivotal moment in the search for stones beyond the solar system, researchers at NASA announced Tuesday the discovery of a distant planet with perfect conditions for sustaining rocks. After analysis of HD 101581 b's atmosphere and surface conditions, we are confident this astronomical body meets all known criteria for supporting [...]The post NASA Discovers Distant Planet With Conditions That Could Sustain Rocks appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-Delighting his schoolmates as he weaved a rich tapestry of life in the United States, newly returned British exchange student Ethan Rowe, 15, reportedly regaled his friends Tuesday with stories of food that tastes good. In America they use salt, and they have sauces other than malt vinegar and brown!" Rowe said to growing throngs [...]The post British Teen Returning From Semester In U.S. Regales Friends With Tale Of Food That Tastes Good appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Stressing that he was prepared to remain in the role for as long as necessary, PresidentDonald Trump claimed Monday that he would marry Venezuelan first lady Cilia Adela Flores de Maduro. Until we can find a suitable long-term replacement, I'll be married to Mrs. Maduro," Trump said in a news conference in which he repeatedly [...]The post Trump Claims He Will Marry Maduro's Wife Until Suitable Replacement Found appeared first on The Onion.

DANBURY, CT-Emphasizing the local parish's dedication to serving its most vulnerable community members, St. Mary's Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it was opening its doors to any single mothers in need of judgment. Times are tough right now, but we want divorcees and unwed moms to know they can rely on the church to cast [...]The post Local Church Opens Doors To Any Single Mothers In Need Of Judgment appeared first on The Onion.

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SANTA FE, NM-A set of billowing curtains signaling that they had arrived moments too late, staff from Penguin Random House reportedly broke down George R.R. Martin's door Monday as the writer escaped through a bathroom window. George, George, come back-we don't want to hurt you! We just want to talk!" said executive editor Anne Groell,who [...]The post Publishers Break Down Door As George R.R. Martin Escapes Through Bathroom Window appeared first on The Onion.

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PALO ALTO, CA-Shouting over the sound of the alarm as it blared through the headquarters of Elon Musk's artificial intelligence startup, panicked xAI technicians were reportedly throwing levers Monday in a frantic effort to find the one controlling Grok's pedophilia. Come on, everybody, it's got to be here!" said xAI engineer Matthew Fedorov, who ran [...]The post Panicked xAI Technicians Frantically Throw Levers To Find The One Controlling Grok's Pedophilia appeared first on The Onion.

Misinformation concerning menopause abounds. The Onion's health experts examine the myths versus the facts. MYTH: Hot flashes are the first sign of menopause. FACT: Sharing an AI image of a golden retriever with angel wings is the first sign of menopause. MYTH: Going through menopause is a miserable experience. FACT: Many women actually enjoy the [...]The post Menopause: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

Cameron Winter, the Geese frontman who made his solo debut with the LP Heavy Metal, has been hailed by fans as a Gen Z Leonard Cohen. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Vocal Style: A lot Biggest Musical Influence: Spotify Smart Shuffle Childhood Nickname: Future Geese frontman Cameron Winter Source [...]The post Artist Profile: Cameron Winter appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Addressing the show's hotly anticipated finale at a press event this week, Stranger Things co-creators Matt and Ross Duffer admitted to reporters that they haven't watched the series in years. We got through most of the first season, mostly because of all the buzz it was getting, but after that we really fell off," [...]The post Duffer Brothers Admit They Haven't Watched Stranger Things' In Years appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-According to a nationwidecrimestudy by the FBI's National Incident-Based Reporting System, just over 93% of all murder cases solved by local, state, and federal police in the past 10 years were resolved by consulting the victim's beloved pet parrot. In some cases, the break is simple and the bird will squawk the killer's name and [...]The post Study Finds 93% Of Murders Solved By Consulting Victim's Pet Parrot appeared first on The Onion.

Each January, millions of Americans vow to improve something about themselves, but many struggle with the commitments they make. Here are tips for sticking to your New Year's resolutions. Hire a hitman to shoot you in between the eyes if you even so much as look at a cigarette. Tell your coworkers about your plan [...]The post How To Stick To Your New Year's Resolutions appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Claiming that his longstanding interest in the arts made him a perfect fit for the role, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he had appointed himself to the divine muses. Many are saying these nine inspirational goddesses have become beholden to DEI and woke ideology, so I'm ascending Mount Helicon as a muse to make [...]The post Trump Appoints Self To Divine Muses appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Wondering aloud about whose idea it was to make so much gebakje in the first place, bloated Americans across the nation confirmed Tuesday that they were still struggling to work their way through all of the leftover rijstevlaai from the holidays. Don't get me wrong, I usually can't get enough rijstevlaai in December, but we [...]The post Bloated Nation Struggling To Work Way Through Leftover Rijstevlaai appeared first on The Onion.

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Disney announced it will license over 200 Disney, Marvel, Pixar, and Star Wars characters for use on OpenAI's Sora video-generating platform, with the deal also including a $1 billion investment in the AI company. What do you think?The post Disney Licenses Characters For Use On OpenAI Video Generator appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Amid ongoing concerns over the aging president's medical status, health speculations reportedly swirled Monday after President Donald Trump was seen with damage numbers above his head. Recent photos of Trump appear to show him sustaining a series of double- and triple-digit damage values during a press event, fueling rumors that his hit-point pool may be [...]The post Health Speculations Swirl As Trump Seen With Damage Numbers Above Head appeared first on The Onion.

SAN FRANCISCO-Citing a right to keep their torsos sheathed in windproof synthetic fabrics, tech billionaires were reportedly threatening to flee California on Monday over a proposed statewide vest tax. If the legislature passes this measure, you can bet that countless entrepreneurs and venture capitalists are going to pack their bags and move their gilet collections [...]The post Tech Billionaires Threaten To Flee California Over Proposed Vest Tax appeared first on The Onion.

The Interior Department announced plans to replace a picturesque image of Glacier National Park on the 2026 America the Beautiful" pass with President Trump's face, prompting a lawsuit from an environmental group. What do you think?The post Images Of National Parks Replaced With Trump's Face On Annual Passes appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-In an effort to bring greater transparency to the city's public transit system, New York's Metropolitan Transportation Authority released a statement Monday admitting that large parts of its subway map had been fabricated. Despite the common belief that the map is an accurate representation of the nation's largest subway system, it in fact depicts [...]The post MTA Admits To Fabricating Large Parts Of Subway Map appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In response to her husband Vice President JD Vance beaming with excitement as she opened his Christmas gift to her, second lady Usha Vance reportedly forced a smile Thursday after unwrapping another Bible. Oh, wow, another King James Bible, you shouldn't have," said Vance, placing the Christian religious text on a large stack of Old [...]The post Usha Vance Forces Smile After Unwrapping Another Bible For Christmas appeared first on The Onion.

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Seasons greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work at the North Pole, making presents for all you good boys and girls. But this year, Santa will come down the chimney a little gingerly, because Santa is very sore from attempting to regrow his [...]The post Ho, Ho, Ho! I'm Regrowing My Foreskin! appeared first on The Onion.

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TORONTO-Accusing the HBO drama of egregiously misrepresenting their experiences off the ice, the National Hockey League Players' Association blasted Heated Rivalry Friday for what it described as incredibly unrealistic depictions of anal sex between players. The show's portrayals of hockey players having sex with each other are wildly misinformed, and we are disappointed by the [...]The post Hockey Players Blast Heated Rivalry' For Unrealistic Depiction Of Anal Sex appeared first on The Onion.

MACKINSHAW, NE-Emphasizing that he didn't want to seem paranoid but it was the only way he could make sense of it all, high school senior Geoffrey Lesseder stated Monday that he was starting to suspect the three school shootings he had been in might be about him. At first I thought it was due to [...]The post Student Who's Been In 3 School Shootings Starting To Think This Might Be About Him appeared first on The Onion.

WAYNE, NE-After coming together and pooling resources to save Christmas for the town's most impoverished family, a tight-knit Nebraska community reportedly did jack shit this week to make the holiday better for its second-poorest family. Getting to see the smiles on the Turner kids' faces when they realized they were going to have a merry [...]The post Community Does Jack Shit To Make Christmas Better For Town's Second-Poorest Family appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Praising the recipients for their acts of true Americancowardice, President Donald Trump proudly announced a new Dodger Dividend" on Wednesday night for anyone who successfully avoided military service. Today, we celebrate the millions of patriots willing to step up and do whatever it takes to avoid being shipped off to war and getting themselves killed," [...]The post Trump Announces New Dodger Dividend' For Anyone Who Avoided Military Service appeared first on The Onion.

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NAPERVILLE, IL-Scurrying into the alley as employees chased her with a broom, Aldi CEO Atty McGrath reportedly had to be shooed away Tuesday after she was seen rummaging through the dumpsters behind a local Whole Foods. We keep finding her rooting around our bins looking for food items she can stock her shelves with," said [...]The post Aldi CEO Chased Off From Whole Foods Dumpsters appeared first on The Onion.

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-Shedding light on the age-old mystery of how anyone could afford the gigantic structures, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Eastern Mediterranean Archaeology And Heritage Studies revealed that ancient Egyptians received significant help from their parents while building the pyramids. Though historians initially theorized that the civilization constructed the towering tombs [...]The post New Research Reveals Ancient Egyptians Received Significant Help From Parents While Building Pyramids appeared first on The Onion.

Jack Schlossberg, who is best known for his provocative social media presence and for being the grandson of John F. Kennedy, announced a run for U.S. Congress. Here's everything you need to know about the Democrat. Core Belief: Americans are sicker of gerontocracy than nepotism Reason For Running: Bored Dream Job: MrBeast Role In Fraternity: [...]The post Political Profile: Jack Schlossberg appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI-Saying she thought it might be fun if they tried something a little different, Dana Grady, wife of Bengals quarterback Joe Flacco, reportedly dressed in a giant football costume Tuesday night in an effort to spice things up in the bedroom. I need a big, strong quarterback to come score a touchdown," Grady said to [...]The post Joe Flacco's Wife Dresses As Giant Football To Spice Things Up In Bedroom appeared first on The Onion.

MINNEAPOLIS-Excitedly revealing to the staff that she had a special surprise, local data analyst Kayla Herrera reportedly delighted coworkers Wednesday upon returning from Europe by bringing back a Latvian man for everyone to share. I couldn't get enough of him when I was abroad," said Herrera, grinning as her colleagues struggled to pronounce the Latvian [...]The post Coworker Returning From European Vacation Brings Back Latvian Man For Everyone To Share appeared first on The Onion.

CAMDEN, NJ-Revealing that the products offered customers multiple protection options in a delicious range of flavors, food processing giant Campbell's announced Thursday it had launched a new line of self-defense soups. Whether you attach the can to a strap and use it as a flail or heat up the soup to create a thermal weapon, [...]The post Campbell's Unveils New Line Of Self-Defense Soups appeared first on The Onion.