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by The Onion Staff on (#76VWW)
LOS ANGELES-Audibly whispering no, no, no" as his mind flashed back to the toiletry item he had neglected to retrieve amid his exit from the Los Angeles Lakers, NBA superstar LeBron James reportedly panicked Wednesday upon remembering that he had left a brand-new stick of deodorant in his locker. Oh, shit, my deodorant!" said James, [...]The post LeBron James Realizes He Left Brand-New Stick Of Deodorant In Lakers Locker appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-07-09 08:19 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#76VRM)
The post Graham Platner Clarifies He Covered Penis With Tattoo After Learning About Its Troubling History appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76VDG)
FRAMINGHAM, MA-In an effort to provide customers with an ever-wider variety of merchandise at steep discounts, executives at TJ Maxx announced Tuesday that the off-price retail chain had begun selling meat in all of its stores. Visits to multiple TJ Maxx locations confirmed that alongside their usual offerings of clothing, footwear, and home decor, the [...]The post TJ Maxx Adds Meat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76VDF)
BAGLUNG, NEPAL-Claiming he could eat the stuff every day and still not get tired of it, local yak Henry Cunningham expressed his sincere hope Tuesday that they never stop making grass.Man, after a long day on the plateau, nothing hits the spot like a big mouthful of grass," said Cunningham, adding that just thinking about [...]The post Yak Hopes They Never Stop Making Grass appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76VDE)
ST. LOUIS-Expressing their shock and outrage at the selfish display, attendees at Thursday's St. Louis Cardinals game reportedly erupted in boos after a little boy callously stole a foul ball from an adorable 42-year-old man.Whoa, did you see what that kid just did? What a piece of shit," said nearby fan Alicia Contreras, joining hundreds [...]The post Crowd Boos After Little Boy Steals Foul Ball From Adorable 42-Year-Old Man appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76VDD)
BTS is back and embarking on a massive world tour. In honor of the K-pop group, The Onion takes a look at the history of boy bands. 1294 King Philip IV figures it'd be funny to make all the eunuchs sing. 1945 1,600 Nazi boy band scientists brought to the U.S. to counter Soviet pop [...]The post History Of Boy Bands appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76VDC)
In a touching tribute, the couple were married in the very same church the bride's grandparents had driven by once.The post Caroline Watters and Kevin Rice appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76VDB)
University of Minnesota scientists have created the first-ever synthetic cell, called SpudCell, which is able to feed, grow, and replicate as if it were naturally occurring. What do you think?The post Scientists Create First Synthetic Cell appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TQX)
WASHINGTON-Raising questions over the ethics of profiting in private business ventures while still holding office,a report released Tuesday found that President Donald Trump has made almost $1.4 billion in his second term selling Tupperware to friends. Since officially reclaiming the presidency in January 2025, Donald Trump has used the multitude of connections associated with the [...]The post Report: Trump Made $1.4 Billion As President Off Selling Tupperware To Friends appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TQY)
HOUSTON-A new study published Thursday by researchers at the University of Houston revealed that the average American woman vastly prefers a romantic partner who is a member of ZZ Top.While emotional intelligence and a sense of humor factor into their decision-making, heterosexual women are still largely judging men based on their possession of a foot-long [...]The post Study: Average Woman Prefers Partner Who Is Member Of ZZ Top appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TQZ)
LOS ANGELES-In reviews that urge fans nostalgic for the hyperactive yellow creatures' glory days to rush to their local theaters, critics across the nation are hailing the new Minions movie as a love letter to Minions. This is, first and foremost, a celebration of Minions," critic Robert Colgate wrote Tuesday of the latest installment in [...]The post Critics Hail New Minions Movie As A Love Letter To Minions appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TJK)
QUANTICO, VA-Alarmed by what he described as the inability of supposedly elite law enforcement officers to approach and seduce attractive women, FBI director Kash Patel confirmed Thursday that he had invited all agents at the bureau to train with professional pickup artists.The sad fact is that few, if any, federal agents use the three-second rule [...]The post Kash Patel Invites FBI Agents To Train With Professional Pickup Artists appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TJJ)
NEW YORK-Touting the temporary installation as a chance to get totally immersed in the network's popular dramas, NBC unveiled an interactive Chicago pop-up Tuesday to promote its procedural franchise. Fans ofChicago Fire,Chicago P.D., andChicago Medfinally have a chance to see the Midwestern city just as Dick Wolf imagined it," said NBC spokesperson Stephanie Farris, adding [...]The post NBC Unveils Interactive Chicago Pop-Up To Promote Procedural Franchise appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TJH)
WASHINGTON-After he rubbed his eyes and blinked to confirm he wasn't dreaming or seeing things, President Donald Trump stated Thursday that he had spotted Hunter Biden smoking crack on the wing of Air Force One.There's-my God, I can't believe it-Hunter Biden's on the wing of this plane, and he's smoking out of a glass pipe," [...]The post Trump Sees Hunter Biden Smoking Crack On Wing Of Air Force One appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TJG)
The post MTA Rider Gives Up Seat To Pregnant Rat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TJF)
Reaching the majors is every ballplayer's dream, but actually arriving in the Show can be overwhelming. We asked some of MLB's biggest stars to tell us when it truly hit them that they had made the big leagues. Roman Anthony: It was my very first pitch. A 102 fastball-didn't even see it. I immediately start [...]The post MLB Players Share Their Welcome To The Show' Moment appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TJE)
The post Thou Shalt Not Kilt appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76TJD)
Don Carnegie, 53, was loved, but not $32-million-in-Bitcoin-ransom loved.The post Don Carnegie appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76T2K)
ORRVILLE, OH-Stressing that the change in the product line was a necessary adjustment to keep apace in the digital age, snack food manufacturer Hostess announced Monday that it would discontinue physical Twinkies. While we know fans have been collecting Twinkies for years, we believe that online-only snack cakes will help reduce physical clutter and allow [...]The post Hostess Discontinues Physical Twinkies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76T2M)
The post Adam Sandler Unwinds After Busy Weekend Officiating 6 Back-To-Back Weddings appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76T0B)
The post Mom Packs Son's Lunch Box With Leftover Fireworks appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76SQZ)
California banned the use of sell by" labels on food packaging in an effort to cut down on food waste caused by consumers misinterpreting its meaning. What do you think?The post California Bans Sell By' Food Labels appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76SQY)
BURBANK, CA-Tunneling upward out of the darkness where they had lain in wait for13 years, the latest brood of Disney child stars reportedly emerged from the ground Monday, filling the air with their mindless droning. Thousands of spunky young actors, part of the child performer population known as Brood D, were spotted bursting out of [...]The post Brood Of Disney Child Stars Emerges From Ground appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76SQX)
INDIANAPOLIS-Saying whatever she had to say to get through the PBS shoot as quickly as possible, hungover Antiques Roadshow expert Katrina Delaney reportedly pulled another appraisal out of her ass Wednesday morning.Yeah, you can tell from the, uh, baroque cornices that it's probably from the Ming dynasty," the 48-year-old decorative arts specialist said of the [...]The post Hungover Antiques Roadshow' Expert Pulls AnotherAppraisal Out Of Her Ass appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76SQW)
BLOOMINGTON, IL-Amid a campaign aimed at improving the aesthetics of previously neglected public spaces, the team behind a new beautification initiative admitted Thursday to feeling impeded by the city's commitment to using only local artists.Seeing the quality of some of these pieces, I'm beginning to worry that we vastly over-estimated the amount of artistic talent [...]The post City's Beautification Initiative Hamstrung By Commitment To Local Artists appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76SQV)
While permanent, the visible blotch is strictly cosmetic and in no way affects this home's ability to shelter you and your family. Reference #259348The post Just A Birthmark appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RQF)
WASHINGTON-Offering new insight into the origins of America's founding document, a group of leading historians published a report this week theorizing that the Declaration of Independence started out as Twilight fan fiction. Based on newly unearthed correspondence between our nation's Founding Fathers, we hypothesize that the document that ultimately became the Declaration originated as a [...]The post Historians Theorize Declaration Of Independence Started As Twilight' Fan Fiction appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RQE)
PLYMOUTH, MA-Reaffirming their commitment to sovereignty against a backdrop of crashing waves and the setting sun, the original 13 American states renewed the Declaration of Independence Saturday in a beautiful beachfront ceremony. Now repeat after me, do you free and independent states hold these truths to be self-evident?" said officiant Barack Obama, adding that despite [...]The post Original 13 States Renew Declaration Of Independence In Beachfront Ceremony appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RQD)
In The Onion, July 4, 2026By the REPRESENTATIVES of theONION EDITORIAL BOARD, When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with other far more annoying and troublesome peoples, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and greater station [...]The post A Declaration Of Independence From The Rest Of The World appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RQC)
LOW EARTH ORBIT-Smiling and waving triumphantly as their celestial forms floated through the cosmos, America's Founding Fathers appeared in the sky over the United States on Saturday to wish the greatest nation on earth a happy 250th birthday. Happy semiquincentennial, America," said the enormous, beaming visage of George Washington, who materialized in the thermosphere alongside [...]The post Founding Fathers Smile Down On America From Outer Space appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RQB)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-Ringing in the momentous occasion with firework displays, community service projects, and chants of bog-trotters go home," the United States of America turned 250 on Saturday despite the presence of the Irish. The semiquincentennial, marking two and a half centuries since the signing of the Declaration of Independence, was observed by approximately 308 million [...]The post Nation Turns 250 Despite Presence Of Irish appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RQA)
The post Breaking: Salute The General! appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RQ9)
The post Patriot Tears Up While Pretending Washington Monument Is His Penis appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RG7)
NEW YORK-Rising from his seat as the first notes of Lee Ann Womack's I Hope You Dance" blasted over the sound system, Kansas City Chiefs coach Andy Reid was seen approaching the floor Friday evening for the traditional coach-tight end wedding dance. It's a moment every coach dreams about from the time he drafts his [...]The post Andy Reid Approaches Floor For Traditional Coach-Tight End Wedding Dance appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RF2)
NEW YORK-Struggling to wrap his head around the horrific sight before him, a panicked Travis Kelce reportedly yelled, Babe, you shrunk!" on Friday to the miniature bride figurine on top of the couple's wedding cake. Taylor, no, God, no-it's going to be okay babe, just tell me who did this to you!" said the Kansas [...]The post Babe, You Shrunk!' Says Panicked Travis Kelce To Mini Bride On Wedding Cake appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76RE6)
The post Travis Kelce Wins Coin Flip To Kick Off Vows appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76R49)
WESTFIELD, IN-Reflecting on how his past struggles had fueled him on his road to becoming a champion, professional eater Joey Chestnut recalled on Friday how he was cut from his high school's varsity hot dog eating team. I was scrappy and had a burning passion for inhaling hot dogs, so as a freshman, I went [...]The post Joey Chestnut Recalls Being Cut From His High School's Varsity Hot Dog Eating Team appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76R48)
More than two dozen states are experiencing extreme heat. The Onion shares tips for keeping your home cool and comfortable amid record-breaking temperatures. Press a cold, damp towel against your home's pulse points. Take contortionist classes until you can fit inside the freezer. Fire your gun in the air as a warning to the sun [...]The post Tips For Cooling Your Home appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76R47)
President Trump disclosed that he personally amassed around $1.2 billion from crypto holdings in 2025, raising concerns about his profiting off the office. What do you think?The post Trump Amasses $1.2 Billion From Crypto appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76R1P)
NEW YORK-Navigating the venue in search of his place setting, wedding guest Andy Reid was reportedly pleased Friday to find that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce had seated him at an empty table with 12 dinners assigned to him. I think this is me," said the Kansas City Chiefs head coach to the dozen plates [...]The post Andy Reid Seated At Empty Wedding Table With 12 Dinners appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76QP9)
The post Olivia Rodrigo Adds Adult Diapers To Merch Table appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76QM8)
WASHINGTON-In a judgment the majority of justices said reflected the intentions of the Founding Fathers, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a 6-3 ruling this week that upheld state bans on transgender athletes, adopting an originalist vision for junior varsity volleyball rosters. In their abundant wisdom, the authors of the Constitution methodically laid out the exact [...]The post Supreme Court Trans Sports Ruling Adopts Originalist Vision For JV Volleyball Rosters appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76QJK)
The post LeBron Hopeful New Team Has One Of His Kids On It Too appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76QJM)
PITTSBURGH-Noting that the man could often be seen waiting outside O'Malley's Tap with his hands shaking in anticipation before the doors even opened, sources confirmed Thursday that local 54-year-old Brian Munson, who goes to the bar every day at 10 a.m., must be a huge soccer fan. You can just tell he lives and breathes [...]The post Guy Who Goes To Bar Every Day At 10 A.M. Must Be Huge Soccer Fan appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76QJN)
WASHINGTON-Claiming there were strings of explosive devices planted throughout the National Mall, President Donald Trump reportedly attempt to cover up low attendance at the Great American State Fair this week by calling in a bomb threat. There's a series of explosives in unmarked duffel bags all across the fairgrounds, which are beautiful by the way, [...]The post Trump Covers Up Low State Fair Attendance By Calling In Bomb Threat appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76QJP)
Upon the former House Speaker's retirement from Congress, Nancy Pelosi and the University of California, Berkeley, will establish the Nancy Pelosi Institute for Representative Democracy, a nonpartisan organization dedicated to strengthening American democracy." What do you think?The post UC Berkeley Announces Nancy Pelosi Democracy Institute appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76QJQ)
Elle, a new Legally Blonde prequel series on Amazon Prime Video, has premiered to mixed reviews. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the show. Q: How is the story updated for 2026? A: The story is now spread out over 16 more hours than it needed to be. Q: What stereotypes does [...]The post What To Know About Elle' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76Q9S)
The post Agriculture Department Puts Trump's Face On Soybeans appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#76Q9R)
Over the past decade, many Americans have likely found themselves contemplating what life might have looked like if things had turned out otherwise for Hillary Clinton. Would we be richer? Would we be at war? One thing is certain: Had Secretary Clinton won the 2016 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, the world would be a [...]The post The World Would Be A Much Different Place If Hillary Clinton Had Won The 2016 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest appeared first on The Onion.
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