| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2025-04-01 21:48 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAZN)
The post Attorney General Seeks Death Penalty For All UnitedHealthcare Customers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAX3)
ITHACA, NY-As nearly a dozen prospective students were forced into the back of a car with tinted windows, a Cornell University campus tour reportedly ended Tuesday inside an unmarked Immigration and Customs Enforcement vehicle. Over there you can see our student center, which boasts its own bowling alley, and then, if you all will follow [...]The post College Campus Tour Ends Inside Unmarked ICE Vehicle appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQD)
MANCHESTER, NH-Saying the option offered an extra safety net to anyone faced with a job loss, administrators at Brentwell Solutions confirmed Wednesday that an extension of benefits through COBRA would allow terminated employees to continue raiding the office fridge for 18 months. As part of our standard severance offerings, peckish beneficiaries have a period of [...]The post COBRA Extension Lets Terminated Employees Continue Raiding Office Fridge For 18 Months appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQC)
ARLINGTON, VA-Saying the defense secretary had recklessly veered out of his lane numerous times, a highway patrol officer reportedly asked Pete Hegseth on Tuesday to carry out drone strikes in a straight line. Sir, I'm going to need you to step out of the vehicle and demonstrate to me that you can authorize a straight [...]The post Highway Patrol Officer Asks Pete Hegseth To Carry Out Drone Strikes In Straight Line appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQB)
LANSING, MI-Expressing dismay at the lack of more subdued options, bereaved nephew Douglas Kerns confirmed Tuesday that the only bag of chips big enough for his uncle's funeral reception said Party Size!" on it. We're going to need refreshments for at least 40 people, but it feels wrong having all these festive colors and exclamation [...]The post Only Bag Of Chips Big Enough For Funeral Reception Says Party Size!' On It appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WAQA)
LYNCHBURG, VA-In a move that betrayed no hint of his past behavior or experiences, a guy ordering a nonalcoholic beer Tuesday had reportedly either seen a ton of shit or no shit at all. The second this dude bellied up to the bar and put down a tattered $10 for an Athletic Brewing Co. nonalcoholic [...]The post Guy Ordering Nonalcoholic Beer Has Either Seen A Ton Of Shit Or No Shit At All appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WA68)
The post Trump Says He Won't Rule Out Third Reich appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WA69)
WASHINGTON-In the wake of comments the comedian made that reportedly angered the Trump administration, the White House Correspondents' Association confirmed Monday that it had scrapped Amber Ruffin as the host of its annual dinner in favor of terrified silence. After much deliberation, we have opted to part ways with Ms. Ruffin so we can refocus [...]The post White House Correspondents' Dinner Scraps Host In Favor Of Terrified Silence appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6WA0W)
The post Dietary Restrict-Funs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9VD)
NEW YORK-Saying he found the activity enriched his life and provided him with a real sense of purpose, local man Martin Berens, 43, spent his afternoon volunteering opinions about the homeless, sources confirmed Monday. Nothing makes me feel better than heading down to the park in my spare time and serving up a bunch of [...]The post Man Spends Afternoon Volunteering Opinions About The Homeless appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9VC)
ARLINGTON, VA-Arguing that the move would allow the government agency to present a united front against threats to national security, the Pentagon announced Monday that it was cutting all employees with weak jawlines. We're committed to enforcing the highest standards within the Defense Department, which is why we're now requiring everyone who works here to [...]The post Pentagon Cuts All Employees With Weak Jawlines appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9VB)
The post Ex Run Into While Stalking Other Ex appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W9VA)
WASHINGTON-Lambasting the current program as wasteful, bloated, and entirely unnecessary, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called for steep cuts Monday to the number of steps in the Alcoholics Anonymous recovery model. We must cut through the red tape bogging down what could be a far more efficient AA," said Hegseth, who slammed the 12-step program as [...]The post Pete Hegseth Calls For Steep Cuts To Number Of Steps In AA Recovery appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W8C3)
VATICAN CITY-Saying the pontiff's abrupt change in personality had put them all on edge, cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church confirmed Friday that they were weirded out by how religious the pope had become following his recent brush with death. Ever since Pope Francis got out of the hospital, he's been pretty much nonstop with [...]The post Cardinals Weirded Out By How Religious Brush With Death Made Pope appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W8C5)
MADISON, WI-Amid his political action committee's campaign to influence a closely contested Wisconsin Supreme Court election, Elon Musk told reporters Friday that he was amazed by how much cheaper bribing voters was in the Midwest. I knew there was a lower cost of bribing out here, but I didn't expect to find this many votes [...]The post Elon Musk Amazed At How Much Cheaper Bribing Voters Is In Midwest appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W8C6)
The post The Onion Cultural Standard: The Bachelor appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83Q)
SARTELL, MN-Feeling a deep sense of embarrassment wash over his long, scaly body, a local snake getting twirled around like a lasso reportedly realized Friday that he was never going to live this down. Being spun in circles above the head of a child pretending to be a big strong cowboy is the most humiliating [...]The post Snake Getting Twirled Around Like Lasso Never Gonna Live This Down appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83P)
EDEN PRAIRIE, MN-Causing light bulbs to shatter and plaster to rain down from the ceiling of the quaking room, pale teenage psychic Derek Timmons reportedly collapsed with a nosebleed Friday after trying to jerk himself off with the power of his mind. I...I thought I was strong enough to harness my psychokinesis to beat my [...]The post Pale Teenage Psychic Collapses With Nosebleed After Trying To Jerk Self Off With Power Of Mind appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83N)
Hallow, a Catholic prayer app, is observing Lent with a prayer challenge featuring celebrities like Mark Wahlberg, who is also an investor in the app. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Hallow. Q: Who is Hallow aimed at? A: Lapsed Catholics seeking a closer connection with Mark Wahlberg. Q: Is Hallow only [...]The post What To Know About The Hallow Prayer App appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83K)
WASHINGTON-In a stunning escalation of his ongoing automotive trade war,President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was imposing a 25% tariff on foreign-made cars that talk, make wisecracks, and have real emotions just like people. For too long, the American market for cars that not only talk but have a personality all their own has [...]The post Trump Announces 25% Tariff On Talking Cars appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W83J)
The post Big Bird Seen Working At Local Starbucks After PBS Funding Cuts appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W7EX)
VATICAN CITY-With many remarking that they'd had their eyes on the holy artifacts since they first saw them, cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church reportedly began placing stickers this week on the Vatican relics they wanted when Pope Francis dies. I'll take these fragments of the true cross, I'll take St. Peter's bones, and before [...]The post Cardinals Begin Placing Stickers On Vatican Relics They Want When Pope Francis Dies appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W7EY)
WASHINGTON-In protest of the publication's coverage of the Signal breach, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he had canceled his subscription to The Atlantic after 48 years as a loyal reader. Their more literary stuff remains unimpeachable, but I just can't stand their political reporting anymore," said the commander-in-chief, who confirmed that he had just [...]The post Furious Trump Cancels Atlantic' Subscription After 48 Years appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W78Q)
WASHINGTON-Grumbling to himself as he repeatedly dropped the device, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly blowing into a Breathalyzer Thursday in an attempt to unlock his phone. Stupid fucking judge made me put this on my iPhone," said the head of the nation's largest government agency, snapping his fingers to get the attention [...]The post Pete Hegseth Blows Into Breathalyzer To Unlock Phone appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W75H)
CAMBRIDGE, MA-In a revelation shedding light on a previously unexamined facet of childhood development, a study published Thursday by researchers at Harvard University found that those who were breastfed as infants tended to excel at suckling later in life. In all 50 states, children who were breastfed outperformed their peers on suckling aptitude tests, having [...]The post Study Finds Breastfed Children Far Better At Suckling Later In Life appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W75G)
LOS ANGELES-Faced with one final test before his admission to the criminal organization, gang initiate Hector Gunnerson was reportedly forced to peacefully deescalate a conflict Thursday to prove that he was not a cop. I know Big Mike vouched for you, but before you can run with the Riverside Boys, we need to make sure [...]The post Gang Initiate Forced To Peacefully Deescalate Conflict To Prove He Not A Cop appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BD)
TULSA, OK-Expressing concern about the most appropriate way to laud the life of a departed parishioner at her funeral, local priest Father Thomas O'Mannon was reportedly unsure Wednesday how obliquely to speak about the woman's fatal hot air balloon accident. I think it's fine to say something like, Lisa was an adventurous spirit,' but it's [...]The post Funeral Priest Not Sure How Obliquely To Talk About Hot Air Balloon Accident appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W6BA)
The post Teen Warned Not To Accept Group Chat Invites From National Security Advisors She Doesn't Know appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5V7)
The post Death Of Chopped-Up Woman Ruled A Suicide appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5V8)
The post I Messed Up At Work Again,' Crestfallen Michael Waltz Texts Wife, National Geographic Editorial Staff appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5V9)
The post Democrats Huddle To Decide How Best To Let Massive Republican Fuck-Up Slip Through Fingers appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F4)
SAN FRANCISCO-Touting the move as a minimally intrusive and private way to keep its sexual health medications available to a wide customer base, Hims announced Tuesday that erections provided by the company would soon feature ads. In an effort to provide better service and keep our industry-leading sex chews affordable, users of our lower-tier medication [...]The post Hims Announces Erections Will Soon Feature Ads appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F3)
GARLAND, TX-Rambling on about how she had always harbored feelings, um, you know, like, the romantic kind" for him, area woman Kayla Sullivan was reportedly losing steam while professing her love to her crush Tuesday because she thought he would've said Shut up and kiss me!" by now. When I imagined it in my head, [...]The post Woman Losing Steam Professing Love Thought Crush Would've Said Shut Up And Kiss Me' By Now appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F2)
JUPITER ISLAND, FL-Providing context after the announcement of his new relationship with Donald Trump Jr.'s former spouse Vanessa Trump, Tiger Woods claimed Tuesday that in time he will fuck everyone's ex-wife. I appreciate that my dating a woman who used to be married to Don Jr. may come as a shock to some, but just [...]The post Tiger Woods Claims That In Time He Will Fuck Everyone's Ex-Wife appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F1)
HILLSDALE, NY-Sighing loudly after a login attempt revealed he would need to enter credit card information to continue, actor Walton Goggins reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday how many HBO series he would need to appear in to receive a free Max subscription. I thought three was the magic number, but I guess not," said the star [...]The post Walton Goggins Unsure How Many HBO Roles It Will Take To Get Free Max Subscription appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W5F0)
PROVO, UT-In a crushing blow to the team's hopes of winning the NCAA men's tournament, star Brigham Young University player Mihailo Boskovic was reportedly suspended Tuesday after testing positive for coffee. Upon detecting the illicit substance on Boskovic's breath before a game, we ordered an immediate test and confirmed the presence of performance-enhancing hot drinks [...]The post Star BYU Player Suspended After Testing Positive For Coffee appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W51A)
LOS ANGELES-In what could prove a devastating loss for the top-seeded Big Ten team, University of Southern California star JuJu Watkins reportedly strained her bun Monday during the opening game of the NCAA Women's March Madness tournament. While we don't yet know the extent of the damage, JuJu is scheduled to receive an extensive MRI [...]The post JuJu Watkins Sprains Bun appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#6W4WX)
The post Pope Francis Flips Off Crowd From Balcony appeared first on The Onion.
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