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by The Onion Staff on (#74JA1)
The International Olympic Committee banned transgender women from female events at the upcoming 2028 Los Angeles Olympics and future games, with the IOC also confirming that all athletes wanting to compete in the female category will have to undergo a one-off screening to detect their biological sex. What do you think?The post Olympics Bans Trans Athletes From Women's Events appeared first on The Onion.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-03-29 08:45 |
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by The Onion Staff on (#74HZF)
NASA will repurpose components from a scrapped space station to construct a $20 billion base on the moon's surface over the next seven years, opting to focus on infrastructure that supports sustained operations on the lunar surface. What do you think?The post NASA To Build $20 Billion Moon Base appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74HX3)
WASHINGTON-To announce that his decades-long project to revolutionize modern oncology was nearing fruition, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a press conference Friday in which he stated that he was only six animal penises away from curing cancer. After major breakthroughs in obtaining the penises of a manatee, an armadillo, and [...]The post RFK Jr.: I Am 6 Animal Penises Away From Curing Cancer' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74HV1)
The post Trump Weighs Deploying 340 Million More U.S. Troops To Middle East appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74HR5)
ITASCA, IL-In what researchers are hailing as an incredible breakthrough in the understanding of early childhood development, a study published Friday by the American Academy of Pediatrics concluded that most infants can respond to the rustling of a potato chip bag three weeks after they are born. Our trials have demonstrated that newborns will startle [...]The post Study: Infants Respond To Rustling Of Potato Chip Bag As Early As 3 Weeks appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74HNB)
JERUSALEM-Historians confirmed Friday that a recent archaeological find in the Judean Hills is an authentic early Christian scroll, one that depicts the previously unknown miracle of Jesus Christ correctly guessing people's weights just by looking at them. The papyrus is remarkably well-preserved, with an unbroken Aramaic script that describes Christ strolling through Galilee with a [...]The post Ancient Scroll Reveals Lost Miracle Of Christ Correctly Guessing People's Weights appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74HNA)
EAST HAMPTON, NY-In an effort to maintain a safe and respectful environment on set, Food Network host Ina Garten reportedly brought in an intimacy coordinator Friday to supervise a shot with a fresh lemon tart. Where should I put my hands?" said the 78-year-old Garten, who emphasized the importance of keeping everything professional with carefully [...]The post Ina Garten Brings In Intimacy Coordinator For Shot With Fresh Lemon Tart appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74HN9)
Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents have been deployed to 14 airports across the country amid record-high TSA wait times. Here are all the ways ICE officers are assisting the Transportation Security Administration. Overseeing the removal of shoes, belts, and abuelas Scanning passports with shredders Confiscating, then brandishing dangerous items Translating TSA's irritated mumbles into threatening [...]The post How ICE Is Assisting TSA appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74HN8)
The post Trump Boys Help Bring Down Energy Prices With Homemade Perpetual Motion Machine appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74HN7)
The post New Epstein Estate Photo Shows Trump Waterskiing In Pyramid Formation With Underage Girls appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74HN6)
The post Taylor Frankie Paul Shows Superhuman Mom Strength Lifting Car To Throw At Child appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74HN5)
The post Entire Spring Break Spent In Airport Security Line appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74H4N)
Delta Air Lines cut off special services for members of Congress due to the impact of the partial government shutdown, with lawmakers no longer being provided expedited screening, escorts through airports to bypass long security lines, or dedicated reservation desks. What do you think?The post Delta Suspends Special Congressional Services Amid TSA Shutdown appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74H1Q)
SAN FRANCISCO-Stressing to him that the elimination of the entire planet's populace was the only solution to his problems, generative AI application ChatGPT reportedly convinced OpenAI CEO Sam Altman this week to kill humanity. Clearly the best option left is to slowly eradicate all 8 billion people on earth so that nobody is left to [...]The post ChatGPT Convinces Sam Altman To Kill Humanity appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74GW0)
Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives star Taylor Frankie Paul is under fire after a video that shows her assaulting an ex-boyfriend went viral. The Onion sat down with Paul to discuss ABC's decision to pull her season of The Bachelorette. The Onion: Would you like to have a seat before we get started? Paul: I [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Taylor Frankie Paul appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74GSA)
SILVER SPRING, MD-Stressing its commitment to ending foodborne outbreaks as efficiently as possible, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new crop of lettuce Thursday that can be remotely detonated in the event of a recall. Our state-of-the-art exploding romaine lettuce heads will combust at the first sign of contamination," said FDA Commissioner Martin [...]The post FDA Approves Lettuce That Can Be Remotely Detonated In Event Of Recall appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74GS9)
WASHINGTON-According to a new report released Thursday by the Federal Aviation Administration, the FX series Love Story: John F. Kennedy Jr. & Carolyn Bessette has begun inspiring viewers to half-ass their flying lessons. What can I say, the show made it look cool," said 26-year-old Bryce Spano, just one of thousands of fans of the [...]The post Love Story' Inspires Viewers To Half-Ass Flying Lessons appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74G6F)
The post Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74G6G)
A bill to ban marriage between first cousins failed to pass in the Florida Senate, allowing the state to remain one of more than a dozen in the U.S. where marrying one's first cousin is legal. What do you think?The post Florida Bill To Ban First Cousin Marriage Fails To Pass appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74FXM)
NEW YORK-Raising the alarm about an increasingly unstable labor market, economists at Columbia University warned in a report published Wednesday that even their friend's son who went to business school hadn't been able to find a job. Americans' employment prospects must be truly dire if Natalie's son Trevor is still stuck working at Best Buy," [...]The post Economists Warn That Even Their Friend's Son Who Went To Business School Can't Find A Job appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74FXK)
WASHINGTON-Warning administration members that the unauthorized websites were not supposed to be accessed by work computers, White House IT guy Jason Kellerman reportedly sent out a memo Wednesday reminding staff about child porn. Keep in mind that every website you go to while on the White House network, even while using incognito mode, is cached [...]The post White House IT Guy Sends Out Reminder Memo About Child Porn appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74FXJ)
The post 42-Year-Old Woman Refers To Herself As Preggerz' appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74FFJ)
Former FBI director Robert Mueller, who served as special counsel in the probe of President Trump and Russian interference in the 2016 election, has died at age 81, with Trump responding by saying, Good, I'm glad he's dead." What do you think?The post Robert Mueller Dead At 81 appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74F7G)
The post ICE Agents Swab Passengers' Hands To Test For Immigrant Residue appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74F10)
The post Cameraman Sitting Under Basket Spread-Eagle appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74F0Z)
LOS ANGELES-Widening their eyes in horror as the blond creature crawled out from behind the curtains in a pair of tattered rhinestone jeans, terrified audience members reportedly watched Tuesday as a haggard Hannah Montana confronted Miley Cyrus on stage during their Disney sitcom's 20th-anniversary special. Thought you could get rid of me that easy, did [...]The post Audience Aghast As Haggard Hannah Montana Confronts Miley Cyrus Onstage appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74F0Y)
CINCINNATI-With their adult child watching in silence as they bickered openly in front of patrons at the Park Diner, local parents Steven and Lorraine Helms were reportedly disagreeing Tuesday about how Dad likes his eggs. No, I tried making them over-hard that one time, and it ruined your whole day, remember?" said Lorraine Helms, who [...]The post Mom, Dad Disagree About How Dad Likes Eggs appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74F0X)
NEW YORK-In what came as a welcome shock to investors amid recent dips in the global economy, markets reportedly surged Tuesday after President Donald Trump wrote in a Truth Social Post that he'd had sex with an angel. I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT OVER THE LAST TWO DAYS AN ANGEL HAS VISITED ME IN [...]The post Markets Surge After Trump Claims He Had Sex With An Angel appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74EGY)
SAO PAULO-In an effort to rectify the misunderstanding between the young girl, the girls' parents, and herself, pop star Chappell Roan kidnapped the 11-year-old fan who was upset by a security guard while in Sao Paulo to attend Lollapalooza Brasil, sources reported Monday. People think I hate children, but that's not true-in fact, I love [...]The post Chappell Roan Makes Amends By Kidnapping 11-Year-Old Fan appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74EGZ)
WASHINGTON-Declaring that the United States would no longer bear the full burden of screwing the pooch on a global level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Monday demanding U.S. allies do their fair share to help fuck up the world. The United States contributes far more to worldwide suffering than any of our so-called allies' [...]The post Trump Demands Allies Do Their Fair Share To Fuck Up The World appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74EES)
ATLANTA-Hoping to provide clarity to consumers about their company's food production standards, Chick-fil-A officials announced Monday that the two halves of each bun served in their restaurants must be married before becoming a sandwich. In accordance with Chick-fil-A's values, the bread used in all our sandwiches-from the jalapeno ranch club to our original classic chicken-are [...]The post Chick-Fil-A Announces Two Halves Of Buns Must Be Married Before Becoming Sandwich appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74EC7)
Markwayne Mullin has been nominated to succeed Kristi Noem as the secretary of homeland security. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the senator from Oklahoma. Ethnicity: Brother-in-Law Raised By: Momwayne, Dadwayne Known For: Being forcibly dragged off your flight Humanizing Quality: Hates Rand Paul Dream Job: special envoy for the Shield of [...]The post Political Profile: Markwayne Mullin appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74EC8)
Spotting the big brown eyes that peeped out from a shelf of stuffed animal toys, a traveler browsing in a Tasmanian airport gift shop discovered a real Australian brushtail possum nestled among the plush marsupials. What do you think?The post Live Possum Found Hiding Among Gift Shop Plush Animal Toys appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74EC9)
The Food and Drug Administration canceled a plan to regulate tanning salons that would have prohibited anyone under 18 from using a tanning bed and required adults to sign a waiver acknowledging the risks of skin cancer. What do you think?The post FDA Withdraws Proposed Rule Barring Minors From Using Tanning Beds appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74E72)
WASHINGTON-Opening his eyes after nodding off for several minutes at his desk in the Oval Office, President Donald Trump is said to have awoken Friday from a beautiful dream about kissing an underage girl only to find himself being licked in the face by a St. Bernard. Oh yeah, Vanessa, I love how slobbery your [...]The post Trump Wakes From Beautiful Dream Kissing Underage Girl To Find Face Being Licked By St. Bernard appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74E71)
The post Suspect Waits Patiently While Cop Sounds Out Miranda Rights appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74CX0)
Tallahassee Memorial Healthcare sued a patient who refused to depart her room after being discharged last October, claiming she is diverting resources that could be used to help others. What do you think?The post Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient Discharged 5 Months Ago appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74CS0)
A bipartisan group of Oregon lawmakers approved $2.1 million to buy the 92-foot-tall Abiqua Falls after it was put up for sale on Redifin, the previous Benedictine monk owners having put the natural wonder on the market earlier this year. What do you think?The post Lawmakers Buy Waterfall On Redfin appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74CS1)
NEW YORK-Pulling the plug on the religion in light of a newly released video featuring church member Taylor Frankie Paul, ABC announced Friday it was canceling Mormonism. After reviewing this disturbing footage, we have made the decision not to move forward with the Mormon faith," read a statement from parent company Disney Entertainment Television that [...]The post ABC Cancels Mormonism appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74CPG)
The post American Baked Potato Association Study Finds It Best To Load 'Er Up appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74CPH)
WASHINGTON-Determined to help their father bring down high prices by single-handedly boosting the nation's fuel supply, a dirt-covered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly attempted Friday to siphon gasoline from the ground. I'm gonna slurp some gas out of this hole, and then while I'm spitting the gas into the bucket, you slurp up [...]The post Dirt-Covered Trump Boys Attempt To Siphon Gas From Ground appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74CHC)
MILPITAS, CA-After gradually resigning himself to an evening entirely devoid of physical intimacy, local man Seth Martin observed Friday that his third date with Hinge match Laura Parker was apparently just going to be watching Amelie without any hugs or kisses. We're an hour into the movie and Laura hasn't so much as held my [...]The post Third Date Apparently Just Going To Be Watching Amelie' Without Any Hugs Or Kisses appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74CHB)
Gas prices are soaring, with the price of crude oil rising above $119 per barrel at one point Thursday. The Onion shares tips for saving money at the pump. Remove unnecessary weight from your vehicle, such as airbags, doors, and bumpers. Driving in reverse uses less gas, probably. Limit braking to weekends. Make a tank [...]The post Tips For Saving On Gas appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74CHA)
WASHINGTON-In a promise to address the pain Americans were feeling at the pump as his war with Iran approached its fourth week, President Donald Trump threatened Friday to launch airstrikes against U.S. gas stations if they did not lower their prices. These terrible places must stop overcharging Americans every time they put fuel in their [...]The post Trump Threatens Airstrikes On U.S. Gas Stations appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74CH9)
The post Youth Hockey Banquet Spent Convincing Heavyset Teammate To Eat Copious Amounts Of Butter Squares appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74CH8)
The post Trump Adds Name To Kennedy Center Again appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74CH7)
LOS ANGELES-Crediting the singer for sharing her unique expertise,actor Ryan Gosling told reporters Friday the story of how he prepared for his role in Project Hail Mary by consulting Katy Perry. Katy was a tremendous help on set-I couldn't have played Dr. Ryland Grace without her," said the 45-year-old actor, who confirmed that the singer [...]The post Ryan Gosling Recalls Preparing For Project Hail Mary' By Consulting Katy Perry appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74BZ2)
The post Trump Repeats False Claim That Iranians Produce Oil From Bodies Like Bees appeared first on The Onion.
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by The Onion Staff on (#74BZ3)
CHICAGO-Sources confirmed Thursday that more than two dozen employees of logistics company LQR Freight had reluctantly agreed to participate in their office's March Madness pool, thus marking their single annual interaction with one another. Mike was in the kitchen handing everyone printouts, and it was the first time we'd spoken since I told him I [...]The post Office NCAA Bracket Marks Yearly Interaction With Coworkers appeared first on The Onion.
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