The Onion

DALLAS-Trembling with horror as an uncontrollable desire to amuse strangers seized control of his body, Wake Forest University sophomore Bennett Walker reportedly realized Saturday that the Demon Deacon mascot costume he was wearing had begun taking over. Oh, God, no...please, no, not again! I can feel myself becoming jauntier, naughtier, more full of antics," said [...]The post Student Inside Wake Forest Mascot Feels Costume Taking Over appeared first on The Onion.

Throughout American history, nations of the world have engaged in espionage in an attempt to gain strategic leverage over the United States. The Onion takes a look back at key instances of foreign spies operating within U.S. borders. 1775 British guy hides in a tree. 1812 The cover of 40 redcoat spies is blown when [...]The post Timeline Of Foreign Spies In The U.S. appeared first on The Onion.

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SEOUL-Shocking fans with a move few saw coming, K-pop star Jung Kook confirmed in an interview Friday that he was leaving BTS for Blue Man Group. BTS has been one heck of a ride, but it's time for me to begin my next chapter," said the 28-year-old singer, songwriter, and dancer, who added that becoming [...]The post Jung Kook Leaves BTS For Blue Man Group appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK-Touched by his dedication and realizing his time was running tragically short,Rockstar Games allowed a dying fan to visit its office Wednesday and play Grand Theft Auto III from the comfort of a hospital bed. When we heard about this poor kid and how urgent his situation was, we flew him out here right [...]The post Rockstar Lets Dying Fan Play Grand Theft Auto III' appeared first on The Onion.

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL-As he noted how coddled kids were nowadays compared with older generations, area grandfather Hank Hayes recalled Friday that when he was young, he had to evolve legs to get to school.Back in my day, if you wanted an education, you had to crawl out of the ocean on your fins until you [...]The post Grandpa Recalls Evolving Legs To Get To School appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Claiming that concerns over pollution levels were vastly overblown, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a statement Tuesday assuring the public that the air was still safe for non-breathing applications.The air quality is perfectly safe, provided it's not being used for any sort of respiration," said EPA administrator Lee Zeldin, who stressed that ozone, PM2.5, carbon [...]The post EPA Assures Public That Air Still Safe For Non-Breathing Applications appeared first on The Onion.

California voters rejected a ballot measure to impose a one-time, 5% tax on the net worth of billionaires in the state, defeating what would have been the nation's first wealth tax. What do you think?The post California Voters Reject Billionaire Tax appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Declaring that the time had come for the nation's mightiest warriors to at last achieve a decisive victory in the Persian Gulf,President Donald Trump called upon the American Gladiators on Thursday to finish the Iran War. I am hereby requesting that our most muscular fighting men and women grab their double-padded jousting sticks, head to [...]The post Trump Calls On American Gladiators To Finish Iran War appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Saying he was grasping at straws in his efforts to avoid spending any more one-on-one time with the American vice president, Chinese spy Simon Li told reporters Monday he was running out of excuses not to hang out with JD Vance.I don't know when JD is going to take the hint that I have no [...]The post Chinese Spy Running Out Of Excuses Not To Hang Out With JD Vance appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-His heart sinking as he realized he hadn't even been given the dignity of speaking with a real human being, actor Jack Lowden reportedly interviewed for Amazon's open James Bond position on Thursday with an AI recruiter. Um, yeah, it's always been a dream of mine to play 007, and I'd love to bring my [...]The post Jack Lowden Interviews For James Bond Job With AI Amazon Recruiter appeared first on The Onion.

OKLAHOMA CITY-In what is being hailed as a massive win for the state's conservative lawmakers, the Oklahoma Legislature approved a new measure Tuesday that strictly bans marrying for love.Marriage should be a holy union between a man and a woman who wants to aggressively procreate, not a couple who shares a profound romantic bond," Gov. [...]The post Oklahoma Bans Marrying For Love appeared first on The Onion.

ST. LOUIS-Amid speculation over local sister Megan Hogan's new inclination for establishing boundaries," sources confirmed Thursday that her therapist must have been the one to put her up to this. There's no way she'd ask to get coffee to discuss our narcissistic tendencies' if her therapist didn't suggest it," said Hogan's sibling, claiming there was [...]The post Report: Sister's Therapist Must Have Put Her Up To This appeared first on The Onion.

BOULDER, CO-Saying that the disease's sudden onset had completely upended his life, local man Jared Houk spoke to reporters Tuesday about the rare disorder that was causing his immune system to attack Portugal.I was a completely healthy 30-year-old man until one day my body freaked out and started identifying the Portuguese as invaders," said Houk, [...]The post Rare Disorder Causes Man's Immune System To Attack Portugal appeared first on The Onion.

It might surprise you given my politics, but I have no problem with immigrants. Personally, I think America should welcome anyone who crosses our borders to make a better life for themselves. However, people who enter this country should do so through the proper channels. It's that simple. If you want to come here, do [...]The post My Great-Grandparents Immigrated The Right Way By Killing 2 Americans And Assuming Their Identity appeared first on The Onion.

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THE HEAVENS-Noting that the change would take effect immediately for all 8.2 billion of His earthly creations, God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that cutting hair would hurt now.Going forward, cutting any hair on your body, from your head to your pubic region, will result in excruciating agony unlike anything you've ever experienced," said [...]The post God Announces Cutting Hair Will Hurt Now appeared first on The Onion.

ORLANDO, FL-Noting that there was just something about him" and that he possessed the kind of innate physical tools that could not be taught, basketball scouts confirmed Friday that they saw tremendous potential in 7-foot-5 toddler Miles Covington.I know talent, and this kid has that it' factor-great length, a huge wingspan, wears size 17 Stride [...]The post Basketball Scouts See Potential In 7-Foot-5 Toddler appeared first on The Onion.

As America has changed over the centuries, so too has one of its most majestic symbols. Here is how the U.S. flag has evolved.The post Evolution Of The U.S. Flag appeared first on The Onion.

Elon Musk announced that Tesla will cease production of the Cybertruck in 2027, diverting resources to increase manufacturing of the company's self-driving taxi, the Cybercab. What do you think?The post Cybertruck Discontinued appeared first on The Onion.

Support for unions in the United States is the highest it's been in decades, prompted by the rise of AI and income inequality. The Onion examines the pros and cons of labor unions. PRO They're the only reason you're not handcuffed to a mine cart right now. They're the best way to get over a [...]The post Pros And Cons Of Unions appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ALTOS HILLS, CA-Ranting at length as he shared details about his stressful work life, NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang reportedly vented to his new Russian girlfriend Tuesday about the ongoing corporate investigation into his conduct at the company. I'm telling you, Svetlana, you have no idea the insane amount of pressure I'm under," Huang said [...]The post Jensen Huang Vents About Investigation To New Russian Girlfriend appeared first on The Onion.

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SEATTLE-With its announcement of a new technology that company executives touted as the future of online shopping, retail giant Amazon confirmed Thursday that it would launch a new fleet of drones that continuously hover above potential customers until they order something.This fully electric, autonomous drone can locate and follow any consumers within range until they [...]The post New Amazon Drone Hovers Above Customer Until They Order Something appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-According to administration sources, President Donald Trump gathered his Cabinet in the White House Situation Room on Friday to watch pornography, staring at a large-screen TV with laser focus while his advisors sat around him in hushed silence.Operation horny MILF teacher bangs hot male student is a go," said Trump, who leaned forward with tented [...]The post Trump Gathers Cabinet In Situation Room To Watch Porn appeared first on The Onion.

MEMPHIS, TN-With a massive crowd gathering at the facility to witness a milestone event in the history of the species, Graceland celebrated this week as it welcomed the first-ever Elvis born in captivity.After many years where we didn't know if we would ever have another king, our visitors are thrilled to see this newborn Elvis [...]The post Graceland Celebrates First Elvis Born In Captivity appeared first on The Onion.

IRVING, TX- Revealing his openness to disclosing sensitive corporate information if properly incentivized, Entenmann's CEO Larry Dunford announced Monday that he was happy to share donut-related secrets with Chinese spies in exchange for sex. I'll tell you whatever you want to know: recipes, ingredients, how we get the powdered sugar to stay on, you name [...]The post Entenmann's CEO Announces He Happy To Share Donut Secrets With Chinese Spies In Exchange For Sex appeared first on The Onion.

The Democrats retook the House, Senate, and many statewide offices after a massive wave of wins in the 2026 midterm election. The Onion breaks down the figures behind the Democrats' blue tsunami." 54 Number of states Democrats now control Executive orders incoming $2.99 Price that swing voters expect to see at gas pumps real [...]The post 2026 Midterms Blue Tsunami' By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Calling it a shortsighted decision that he would come to regret during his final two years in office,members of the GOP criticized President Donald Trump Monday for promoting Stephen Miller to serve as chief of staff over other, more qualified necrophiles. The Republican Party has a deep bench of candidates who sexually abuse corpses at [...]The post GOP Criticizes Trump For Promoting Stephen Miller Over Other, More Qualified Necrophiles appeared first on The Onion.

DUBAI-Rubbing at his eyes carefully with one hand and murmuring shit" under his breath as he watched one of his slippers tumble toward the ground over 500 meters below, actor Tom Cruise reportedly woke up Wednesday while sleep-climbing the Burj Khalifa. Oh, no, not this again," said Cruise, who tightened his grip on the exterior [...]The post Tom Cruise Wakes Up Sleep-Climbing Burj Khalifa appeared first on The Onion.

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FITCHBURG, WI-Stating that he could not recall Cocoa Beach, an airboat tour of the Everglades, or breakfast with Chip 'n' Dale at the Garden Grill Restaurant, local seventh grader Caleb May told reporters Thursday that the only memory he had of the $6,000 vacation he took with his family in 2019 was throwing up in [...]The post Only Memory Child Has Of $6,000 Vacation Throwing Up In Car appeared first on The Onion.

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WASHINGTON-Explaining they had no deep-seated desire to discover" the Dr. Seuss character, a new generation of moviegoers told reporters Friday that, actually, they were fine not having their own Cat In The Hat film. No thanks, we're all good," said new generation spokesperson Isaiah Ashworth, representing a contingent of millions of consumers born too recently [...]The post New Generation Clarifies They're Fine Not Having Own Cat In The Hat' appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Despite overwhelming initial resistance to the concept, a Pew Research Center poll released Wednesday found that most conservatives supported white genocide when presented with its actual policies.While the words white genocide' were universally received with fear and hostility, more than 90% of the right-leaning individuals we surveyed completely changed their minds upon learning that white [...]The post Poll: Most Conservatives Support White Genocide When Shown Actual Policies appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Hailing the patriotically modified bird of prey as a must-have for any supporter of the president, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Wednesday it would soon issue a Donald Trump commemorative eagle.Whether you're a raptor collector or just looking for a unique way to pay tribute to your favorite commander-in-chief, this adult bald eagle [...]The post Interior Department Approves Plan For Trump Commemorative Eagle appeared first on The Onion.

The couple were wed in a small private ceremony attended by their loved ones and the vacationing Dutch family they had drunkenly invited the previous night.The post Natalie Olivera and Sara Berry appeared first on The Onion.

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Surprise, surprise, the heavyset bearded groom is doing a black silicone wedding band.The post Katherine McKnight and Mark Clegg appeared first on The Onion.

The bride and groom let all their friends know they have ice sculpture money Saturday.The post Stephanie Poulin and Liam Shea appeared first on The Onion.

Isn't that creepy? They said they didn't start dating until after Lily graduated, but still.The post Lily Bowen and Mr. Novak appeared first on The Onion.

President Trump announced the U.S. would terminate $4 billion in aid to Israel at the end of the year, claiming they don't need it." What do you think?The post Trump To Cut Off Aid To Israel appeared first on The Onion.

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NEW YORK-Voicing concern that he had misallocated much of the $200 million A24 had provided, director Alex Garland made remarks Thursday in which he expressed regret for having blown most of the budget for his Elden Ring movie adaptation on DEX. Of course, it's good to have some points in Dexterity given the bows and [...]The post Alex Garland Regrets Blowing Most Of Elden Ring' Budget On DEX appeared first on The Onion.

PROVIDENCE, RI-In breakthrough research that upends prevailing notions of human cognitive capacity, a new study published Wednesday by scientists at Brown University found that the brain is capable of storing up to 40 things.We've always known the human brain is a remarkable repository of information, but until now, we thought that meant five or six [...]The post Study Finds Human Brain Capable Of Storing Up To 40 Things appeared first on The Onion.

This newly restored 5-bedroom Victorian home combines timeless charm with modern comforts save for one locked room under the stairs that the dog will bark at repeatedly in abject terror.The post Room That Scares The Dog appeared first on The Onion.