The Onion

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WASHINGTON-Calling him the best man for the job," President Donald Trump reportedly asked JD Vance Thursday to research whether the president was allowed to kill the vice president. I mean, Article II says he's legally my property, right?" said Trump, who stated that the task was absolutely critical" as he put both his hands on [...]The post Trump Asks JD Vance To Research Whether President Allowed To Kill Vice President appeared first on The Onion.

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With 112,408 fans attending his show Saturday at Michigan Stadium, country star Zach Bryan set a new national record for the largest ticketed concert crowd. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Hometown: You Don't Want To Know The History Of This Place, Oklahoma Instrument: Sleeveless guitar Vocal Style: Dehydrated Biggest [...]The post Artist Profile: Zach Bryan appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Touting the substance's anti-inflammatory properties and high smoke point, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. released a statement Thursday advocating for the use of beef tallow in home birth tubs.Despite what the perpetrators of the medical-industrial complex would like you to believe, women have been giving birth in rendered animal fat for [...]The post RFK Jr. Advocates Using Beef Tallow In Home Birth Tubs appeared first on The Onion.

Mommy and Luke had such a fun time on their cruise that they decided to get married and Luke is going to live here with us! Isn't that exciting?The post Mommy and Mommy's Friend Luke appeared first on The Onion.

MESA, AZ-Gleefully describing the inevitable day when society would collapse and digital files would become unusable, local physical media collector David Campbell confirmed Wednesday he was absolutely pumped" for the downfall of humanity. When it all goes down, there's only going to be one place to watch theTomb Raidermovies in their entirety with all the [...]The post Physical Media Collector Pumped For Downfall Of Humanity appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Saying he was excited to explore the psychology of one of the 21st century's greatest villains," Monster creator Ryan Murphy announced Wednesday that the anthology's latest season would focus on a barista who made his drink wrong. I've covered killers like Jeffrey Dahmer and the Menendez brothers, but I've never done a character study [...]The post New Season Of Monster' To Focus On Barista Who Made Ryan Murphy's Drink Wrong appeared first on The Onion.

SANTA ROSA, CA-Upon issuing a citation that listed wet surfaces and thick coatings of grease among numerous other violations, the Sonoma County Health Department announced Wednesday that it had shut down Guy Fieri.We received an anonymous tip about the unsanitary condition of Mr. Fieri, and our surprise-inspection team was deeply disturbed by the state we [...]The post Health Department Shuts Down Guy Fieri appeared first on The Onion.

PARIS-In a statement citing the need to preserve his smoldering good looks so that future generations could continue to swoon over him, U.N. officials announced Tuesday that Spanish actor Javier Bardem had been formally declared a UNESCO World-Class Hunk. The U.N. agency said Bardem had met the criteria of brawn, charisma, and raw masculine eros" [...]The post Javier Bardem Declared UNESCO World-Class Hunk appeared first on The Onion.

This picturesque luxury cottage is available free of charge until the family that owns it gets back from their trip to Montauk. Reference #07965The post Window Ajar appeared first on The Onion.

Gail Barnsom, 74, tragically lost her battle with escalators Thursday.The post Gail Barnsom appeared first on The Onion.

Critics like RFK Jr. and health-conscious social media influencers often claim seed oils like canola, soybean, and safflower oil contain toxic byproducts caused by the extraction process. The Onion dispels the common myths surrounding seed oils. MYTH: Seed oils cause inflammation. FACT: The science on this will reverse itself six times over the next 100 [...]The post Seed Oils: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

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QUANTICO, VA-Racking his brain for answers as he gazed out at the high-ranking officers gathered before him, a visibly hungover Pete Hegseth reportedly struggled Tuesday to remember exactly how he ended up in a meeting room filled with U.S. generals and admirals. Jesus fucking Christ, why are they all staring at me-am I supposed to [...]The post Hungover Hegseth Struggling To Remember How He Ended Up In Room Full Of Generals appeared first on The Onion.

INDIANAPOLIS-With an official proclamation that declared the state open to self-proclaimed messianic prophets," Indiana began offering tax breaks Wednesday to attract religious doomsday cults.Whether your fundamentalist commune believes it will usher in an apocalyptic race war or board a spaceship to a higher plane of existence, we hope your cult will choose to make Indiana [...]The post Indiana Offers Tax Breaks To Attract Religious Doomsday Cults appeared first on The Onion.

Pop star Sabrina Carpenter is one of several artists set to headline this year's Lollapalooza. The Onion sat down with the Espresso" singer to discuss love, life, and her forthcoming album, Man's Best Friend. The Onion: Which one are you again? Carpenter: Of the two very short pop stars under 35, I'm the one who [...]The post The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Sabrina Carpenter appeared first on The Onion.

Caleb Marks and Teresa Williamson began their life together with the bride blissfully unaware mortgage lenders calculate rates on the lower of the couple's two credit scores.The post Caleb Marks and Tiffany Williamson appeared first on The Onion.

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Kamala Harris has released 107 Days, a new memoir detailing her 2024 run for president against Donald Trump. Here are highlights from the book. Complete list of every American who did not vote for her in 2024 Story of how she selected Doug Emhoff as her husband after several rigorous rounds of romantic dates Says [...]The post Highlights From Kamala Harris' New Memoir appeared first on The Onion.

SAN ANTONIO-Demonstrating his commitment to entering the season in peak physical form, Spurs center Victor Wembanyama reported to training camp Monday having packed on 25 pounds of dense, towering hair. The coaching staff wanted me to bulk up over the offseason, and growing tons of hair was the best way to put on weight without [...]The post Victor Wembanyama Reports To Training Camp Having Added 25 Pounds Of Hair appeared first on The Onion.

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LOS ANGELES-In a move that has drawn criticism from fans of the competition series, Hilaria Baldwin reportedly hired a nanny to waltz for her onDancing With The Stars this week. Yes, I use a nanny-I need help with my dancing, and there's no shame in admitting that," said Baldwin, who defended herself after photos from [...]The post Hilaria Baldwin Hires Nanny To Waltz For Her On Dancing With The Stars' appeared first on The Onion.

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Live in the very house where a man failed to pay $200,000 in taxes over 10 years...if you dare! Reference #29301The post Spooky Tax Evasion House appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In response to legislation that would ban officers from obscuring their identities during arrests and raids, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement confirmed Thursday that beneath their masks, agents do not have faces. Tom Homan, the U.S. border czar and chief enforcer of President Donald Trump's immigration policy, warned that Democrats may get more than they [...]The post ICE Confirms Agents Do Not Have Faces Beneath Masks appeared first on The Onion.

MEREDITH, NH-Saying the luminous paradise had exceeded even its wildest expectations, a local moth told reporters Tuesday the inside of a light fixture was everything it had ever dreamed of and more.Woo-hoo! They've got a whole second light bulb in here-this is the greatest fucking day of my life!" the moth said as it giddily [...]The post Inside Of Light Fixture Everything Moth Dreamed And More appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Carrying tools and a handful of two-by-fours as he silently emerged from the North Portico, deputy chief of staff and homeland security advisor Stephen Miller reportedly constructed a windowless, soundproof shed on the White House grounds Thursday.According to sources, the senior administration official provided no word of explanation as he unfurled a hand-drawn blueprint in [...]The post Stephen Miller Builds Windowless, Soundproof Shed On White House Lawn appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Suddenly appearing at the lectern after emerging from a hole in the floor, a limbless, slippery Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced at a White House press conference Friday that becoming an eel is a sign of good health." Big Pharma may have brainwashed people to think otherwise, but a healthy human body should be one [...]The post Limbless, Slippery RFK Jr.: Becoming An Eel Is A Sign Of Good Health' appeared first on The Onion.

LAS VEGAS-Speaking enthusiastically about what he called a beautiful sport," President Donald Trump attended a match Monday for the Ultimate Dogfighting Championship.That's it, bite his throat! Bite his throat!" said Trump, who sat next to podcaster Joe Rogan in the front row, greeting celebrities such as Mark Wahlberg, Guy Fieri, and Shaquille O'Neal and watching [...]The post Trump Attends Dogfighting Match appeared first on The Onion.

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Taylor Swift is promoting her forthcoming album with The Official Release Party Of A Showgirl, an 89-minute movie that features a music video, lyric videos, and commentary and that will run in theaters the weekend of Oct. 3. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What inspired Swift to create [...]The post What To Know About The Official Release Party Of A Showgirl' appeared first on The Onion.

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TUCSON, AZ-In a move that has earned praise from women's rights advocates, local business Leiderman Insurance reportedly unveiled a dedicated space Friday for lactating mothers to discreetly pump iron in the office. It's essential that employers provide a private, functional weight room where new mothers can comfortably pump iron at work when the need to [...]The post Office Adds Area For Lactating Mothers To Discreetly Pump Iron appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON-In a new study that found the practice significantly improves outcomes for missing persons investigations, researchers at Northeastern University's School of Criminology and Criminal Justice concluded that regular journaling can help provide clues about a mysterious disappearance. While you may imagine you're too busy to journal, even a few names jotted down and circled multiple [...]The post Study Finds Regular Journaling Can Help Provide Clues About Mysterious Disappearance appeared first on The Onion.

NASHVILLE, TN-Stating that he was horrified and deeply ashamed," country singer Morgan Wallen issued an apology Thursday after a genealogy report revealed his family had never owned slaves. Obviously, I'm not my ancestors, but nonetheless it's just a terrible thing to learn," said the chart-topping artist, who described how his jaw dropped to the floor" [...]The post Morgan Wallen Issues Apology After Genealogy Report Reveals His Family Never Owned Slaves appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Establishing new federal guidelines for disease prevention as he moves to restrict public access to a number of vaccines, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. launched a campaign to promote natural immunity Tuesday by inviting Americans to touch his festering sore. Endless vaccines are no longer necessary to achieve immunity now that [...]The post RFK Jr. Promotes Natural Immunity With Invitation To Touch His Festering Sore appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Cracking their knuckles and demanding they receive a papology[sic], or else," Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly yelled, You think you can talk about our dad that way?" Wednesday before beating their TV with a baseball bat. Hey Eric, this TV thinks it can say a bunch of real bad stuff about Dad and [...]The post You Think You Can Talk About Our Dad That Way?' Scream Trump Boys, Beating TV With Bat appeared first on The Onion.

COPPELL, TX-Rushing to wash a sink full of dishes and tidy the kitchen before her phone alarm went off, local woman Abby Hartz reportedly set a timer on Wednesday to make cleaning much more stressful. I just like adding a layer of panic to the stress of doing a bunch of chores I hate," said [...]The post Woman Sets Timer To Make Cleaning More Stressful appeared first on The Onion.