The Onion

Services for Peter Barnell, 72, will be held Friday. The family asks that each attendee take home a portion of the remains because they don't want any leftovers.The post Peter Barnell appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Claiming the nation's beloved North Star State was in peril, Immigration and Customs Enforcement issued a ransom note Tuesday that told the United States to pay $65 billion if it ever wanted to see Minnesota again. The $65 billion should be placed in an unmarked federal appropriations bill-if it isn't, that will be the end [...]The post ICE Issues Ransom Note Demanding $65 Billion If U.S. Wants To See Minnesota Again appeared first on The Onion.

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Previously quarantined cans of yellowfin tuna that were recalled due to a defective pull tab which could introduce botulism, a potentially fatal form of food poisoning, were mistakenly reshipped to stores in at least nine states. What do you think?The post Canned Tuna Recalled For Potentially Fatal Botulism Mistakenly Reshipped appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Claiming that no one would realistically devote their life to serving others without being funded by nefarious actors, President Donald Trump allegedMondaythat Democrats had secretly paid Alex Pretti, the 37-year-old Veterans Affairs nurse killed by U.S. Border Patrol agents in Minneapolis, to be a model citizen. What they don't want you to know is that [...]The post Trump Alleges That Democrats Secretly Paid Alex Pretti To Be Model Citizen appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Urging locals to fully cooperate" with federal agents, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem called on Minneapolis residents Monday to stop obstructing murders. The brave men and women of ICE and the U.S. Border Patrol are doing their best to carry out these executions in a safe and professional manner," said Noem, who emphasized [...]The post Kristi Noem Calls On Minneapolis Residents To Stop Obstructing Murders appeared first on The Onion.

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THE HEAVENS-Warning His subjects that they should not mess with His carefully laid plans by playing hero, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly informed humanity Monday that choking people were meant to die. I created all things-do you really think I would fuck up and make human throats clog on accident? This is divine [...]The post God Informs Humanity Choking People Meant To Die appeared first on The Onion.

BUFFALO, NY-Giving thanks for the hospitality shown to him and his family throughout his tenure with the team, recently terminated Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott reportedly expressed his gratitude Monday to the people, if you want to use that term, of Buffalo. For the past nine years, the people-and of course I use that [...]The post Sean McDermott Expresses Gratitude To The People, If You Want To Call Them That, Of Buffalo appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump signed the charter for his Board of Peace" Thursday, establishing himself as presiding chairman of a new international body aimed at resolving global conflicts. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the organization. Q: What is the board's stated aim? A: To finally end the impending threat of global cooperation. [...]The post What To Know About Trump's Board Of Peace appeared first on The Onion.

Ryan Coogler's Southern Gothic vampire period piece Sinners received 16 Academy Award nominations, surpassing the previous record of 14 nominations held by All About Eve, Titanic, and La La Land. What do you think?The post Sinners' Sets Oscar Record With 16 Nominations appeared first on The Onion.

BURBANK, CA-Encouraging the child to explore the conglomerate's vast catalog of characters and copyrights, Disney executive John Ervin reminded his 2-year-old daughter on Monday that only artwork featuring the company's intellectual property was permitted on the fridge. That's very creative, Edie, but unfortunately it has no existing fan base," said the 49-year-old Ervin, who handed [...]The post Disney Exec Reminds Toddler Only IP Goes On Fridge appeared first on The Onion.

OVERLAND PARK, KS-Expressing frustration that his efforts to be accommodating continue to go unappreciated, area man Thomas Kemps confirmed Monday that nothing is ever good enough for the woman hehasbeen holdingcaptivein his basement for the past 39 days. I give and I give, and what do I get in return? Not a single genuine thank-you," [...]The post Nothing Ever Good Enough For Captive appeared first on The Onion.

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PARIS-Clutching their chests in wonder at the newly unveiled work by an anonymous street artist, all 68 million members of the French populace were reportedly brought to tears Friday by a cartoon of a robot holding a flower. Technology has made us into zombies, and yet here is a robot showing us the truth," said [...]The post Entire French Populace Moved To Tears By Cartoon Of Robot Holding Flower appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Checking to see if the prestigious award was real by placing the medal on the glass turntable and hitting the potato button, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly microwaved the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. Look, look, I think it's starting to melt!" said Don Jr., the eldest Trump boy, who pressed his [...]The post Trump Boys Put Nobel Peace Prize In Microwave appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Saying they wished she would just be honest with them, friends of multiplatinum recording artist Katy Perry expressed skepticism this week about her alleged powerful boyfriend who lives in Canada. Katy keeps going on and on about this new guy, but every time one of us asks when we'll get to meet him, she [...]The post Katy Perry's Friends Skeptical Of Alleged Powerful Boyfriend Who Lives In Canada appeared first on The Onion.

Rapper A$AP Rocky has released Don't Be Dumb, his first album in eight years. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Genre: Brand collaboration Famous Relatives: Rihanna's kids Biggest Career Risk: Nodding off during Smurfs premiere Citations From Massachusetts Department Of Fish And Game: Three Personal Style: Businessman who sprinted through [...]The post Artist Profile: A$AP Rocky appeared first on The Onion.

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DENVER-Acknowledging the grim reality of their underwhelming romantic prospects, chronic disorganization, and lackluster employment outlook, the adult Patterson children confirmed Friday that the onus of giving their parents grandchildren had been placed on the least fucked-up sibling. At least Liz has a job and lives in her own apartment," said oldest sibling Matthew Patterson, adding [...]The post Onus Of Giving Parents Grandchildren Placed On Least Fucked-Up Sibling appeared first on The Onion.

Chin married Galchot in what is being described as a decisive coup d'etat against the groom's 13-year-old daughter from a previous marriage.The post Diana Chin and Tim Galchot appeared first on The Onion.

The trend of house burping," based on the German practice of luften" or briefly opening windows to refresh indoor air, has taken off in the U.S., with proponents claiming the practice improves air quality. What do you think?The post House Burping' Gains Popularity In U.S. appeared first on The Onion.

Second Lady Usha Vance announced she and Vice President JD Vance are expecting their fourth child amid public speculation about the health of their relationship. What do you think?The post Usha Vance Announces Pregnancy With Fourth Child appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Warning that any attempt to spend time inside a personal residence constituted hostile interference with federal operations, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Thursday that being in the privacy of one's own home would now be deemed an obstruction of justice. When an individual enters their residence, conceals themselves behind a closed door, and attempts [...]The post ICE Deems Being In Privacy Of Own Home Obstruction Of Justice appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-In a statement calling for more guardrails around ongoing immigration operations, Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives publicly condemned Immigration and Customs Enforcement Thursday for routinely employing fatal use of force without obtaining the proper warrants. For weeks, Democrats have pushed to require ICE agents to obtain the necessary judicial warrants ahead of any [...]The post Democrats Condemn ICE For Murdering Without Proper Warrants appeared first on The Onion.

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MILFORD, MA-Wincing at the blast of guttural sobs erupting from the speaker as she picked up, local woman Anna Higgins reportedly threw herself on a grenade Tuesday by answering a phone call from her dysregulated friend. I'm so sorry, Jennifer-it must be really hard to get dumped so soon after you stopped taking your antidepressants," [...]The post Woman Throws Self On Grenade By Answering Call From Dysregulated Friend appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Noting that this year's nominations had once again completely omitted an important sector of cinema, actor Tim Allen took to social media Thursday to call out the Oscars for failing to recognize movies where a guy turns into a dog. By not elevating these films, the Academy is sending the message that stories about [...]The post Tim Allen Calls Out Oscars For Failure To Recognize Movies Where Guy Turns Into Dog appeared first on The Onion.

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David Hammond passed away Sunday at the age of 81. In lieu of flowers, his family requests that mourners place a three-team parlay on the Lions, Colts, and Titans to cover, as it's essentially free money.The post David Hammond appeared first on The Onion.

President Trump announced Wednesday that a framework for a future Greenland deal had been reached. The Onion assesses the veracity of Trump's statements regarding Greenland. Claim: Greenland needs protection from Russia and China. Partially true: Greenland needs protection from Russia, China, and the United States. Claim: America will use military force to acquire Greenland if [...]The post Fact-Checking Trump On Greenland appeared first on The Onion.

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CHICAGO-Calling attention to the startling lack of tied-up cherry stems in the average diet, health experts from the American Medical Association warned Tuesday that Americans were not sensually eating enough fruit.While it's recommended that adults erotically suck on at least two pieces of fruit daily, many people are falling far short of that," said Dr. [...]The post Health Experts Warn Americans Not Sensually Eating Enough Fruit appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES-Leaning forward in his seat as a number of questions raced through his mind, Dwayne Johnson was reportedly intrigued Monday after learning there was a special trophy for good actors.Huh, interesting-and you said they give them out every year?" asked Johnson, who frowned as he racked his brain in an attempt to recall if [...]The post Dwayne Johnson Intrigued After Learning About Special Trophy For Good Actors appeared first on The Onion.

The couple wed Saturday after realizing they could not, in fact, get the venue and vendor deposits back.The post Mary Hill and Becca Cox appeared first on The Onion.

Four-window square house complete with chimney smoke, two stick parents, and a large sun. Reference #84067The post Red House appeared first on The Onion.

Ynyshir, a Welsh restaurant with two Michelin stars, has been given a one star hygiene rating by food standards inspectors, with the chef responding to the score by claiming he has the highest standards in the world." What do you think?The post Two-Star Michelin Restaurant Given One-Star Hygiene Rating appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Expressing deep fondness for those long-gone halcyon days, the U.S. population collectively yearned Tuesday for the relative calm of the president is a giant pedophile" news cycle. It was a simpler time then, back when all people wanted to talk about was the leader of the country molesting underage girls," said Denver resident Scott Munoz, [...]The post Nation Yearns For Relative Calm Of President A Giant Pedophile' News Cycle appeared first on The Onion.

LONDON-Determined to get to the bottom of the highly publicized estrangement, fashion designer Victoria Beckham reportedly took to Reddit Tuesday to anonymously ask for someone to explain the Beckham family feud to her. Sorry, I'm feeling kind of out of the loop here, could someone explain what's going on with the son?" the 51-year-old Beckham [...]The post Victoria Beckham Asks Reddit To Explain Beckham Family Feud To Her appeared first on The Onion.

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GENEVA-In a recommendation of the time-honored method for relieving stress in overwhelming social situations, the World Health Organization released new guidelines Tuesday for the treatment of anxiety by sneaking off to do drugs in the bathroom. Whether you're feeling uncomfortable while out in public or in the home of a friend or relative, you can [...]The post Anxiety Experts Recommend Sneaking Off To Do Drugs In Bathroom appeared first on The Onion.

ARLINGTON, VA-In an apparent attempt to guilt his children into eating their vegetables Monday, White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller reportedly reminded one of his sons, a picky eater, that there were starving boys and girls in the basement who didn't get to have any food at all.Think of the poor, famished children [...]The post Stephen Miller Reminds Picky-Eater Son That There Starving Kids In Basement appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS-Stressing that he wouldn't want his best bud to feel left out on such a special day, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly asked fiancee Taylor Swift this week if, during their upcoming wedding, his brother Jason could get married with them too.It wouldn't feel right if Jason wasn't up there with [...]The post Travis Kelce Asks Taylor Swift If Jason Can Also Get Married With Them appeared first on The Onion.

At my age, most people have given up on their dreams. They go to college, settle down, get steady careers. Pretty soon, they've spent so much time on the corporate money-go-round they can't even remember what got their engines going in the first place. But I could never see myself holding down a nine-to-five like [...]The post All I Ever Wanted Is To Be A Musician And For Music To Be Easy appeared first on The Onion.

It turns out Kimberly Cunningham, 45, did forget her EpiPen at home.The post Kimberly Cunningham appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON-Emphasizing that he was only going to tell them this one more time, White House plumber Terry Robertson reminded staff Monday that only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste could be placed down the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal. Please, people, I'm begging you-we don't want to clog the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Sewer [...]The post White House Plumber Reminds Staff That Only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste May Be Placed Down Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal appeared first on The Onion.

TALLAHASSEE, FL-In a move that supporters have called a long overdue acknowledgment of the rights that should be accorded to all infectious agents, the Florida Legislature passed HB 1637 Wednesday, a law granting viruses personhood.Whether we're talking about measles or hepatitis B, these are living beings who deserve our protections," Gov. Ron DeSantis said after [...]The post Florida Passes Law Granting Viruses Personhood appeared first on The Onion.

HYDE PARK, NY-Saying their beloved family patriarch had wanted to make one final contribution to the world he was leaving behind, relatives of the late Jasper Weaver confirmed Tuesday that he had donated his body to culinary science.Dad always said he didn't want his body to just rot in the ground when there was so [...]The post Man Donates Body ToCulinaryScience appeared first on The Onion.

Sure, you can purchase this lovely, bespoke ranch house in a scenic neighborhood, but can one actually own anything on this wretched planet we call Earth? Or is everything, like this affordable dream home with a finished basement, eventually reclaimed by the elements as it withers to dust and is lost in the ever-shifting sands [...]The post Can Any House Truly Be Owned? appeared first on The Onion.