Injured Cyclist Briefly Regains Consciousness To See RFK Jr. Dragging Him Into Kitchen

MALIBU, CA-Groaning as his bruised head thumped along the tiled flooring, 35-year-old injured cyclist Paul Zablocki briefly regained consciousness to see Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dragging him by the legs into the former presidential candidate's kitchen, sources reported Wednesday. Confused and bleary-eyed upon awakening, Zablocki reportedly noticed a feral aroma of what seemed to be animal carcasses emanating from the room, and grew frightened after making eye contact with the environmental lawyer and conspiracy theorist, who gazed down at him while muttering, Yes, this one is beautiful...perfect." According to sources, Kennedy then dropped the man on the floor with a thud, reached into a drawer, and finally began humming contentedly as he sharpened a set of knives. At press time, sources confirmed the last thing Zablocki saw was Cheryl Hines walking through the kitchen and rolling her eyes.

The post Injured Cyclist Briefly Regains Consciousness To See RFK Jr. Dragging Him Into Kitchen appeared first on The Onion.