Indecisive Hostage-Taker Asks What People Usually Demand

PROVIDENCE, RI-Feeling too overwhelmed by the myriad options to make a decision, area hostage-taker Jason Harmon reportedly asked negotiators Thursday what people usually demand. I thought a demand would just come to me after I pulled out my gun and ordered everybody to get on the fucking ground, but truth be told, I'm still feeling uncertain-is there some kind of standard demand gunmen normally go for around here?" Harmon said as he ruminatively tapped the muzzle of his Glock against a hostage's forehead, adding that while he was pretty much open to anything, his lactose intolerance meant he couldn't demand anything with dairy. I hear people say a lot of good things about money. Especially the untraceable stuff, big suitcases of it. Is that worth demanding, do you think? I know demanding a helicopter is also pretty popular, but I'm not sure I'm in the mood for that right now. Tell you what: Let's say you had six hostages you were willing to blow away unless the cops did exactly as you said. What would you demand? A getaway car? The release of political prisoners? I think I'd be happy with almost anything, but I just keep second-guessing myself." At press time, Harmon reportedly told negotiators that he was going to browse his manifesto a little longer to see if any demands jumped out at him.

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