Goodbye, 2024
Well, another year is over. What did we learn, collectively, as a species? Nothing. As a country (assuming your country is the United States)? Also nothing. What did you learn, as an individual? At least a few things. Will any of them help you avert the impending disaster that will one day be known to history as <insert capitalized phrase here> but for now is still just 2025"? Nope! Will they at least briefly soothe the pain inflicted on thinking people by the blazing dumpster fire that was the year 2024? I don't know, let's see.
- Last January, you learned that for more than 500 years, anyone who wanted a Master of Arts degree from Oxford University had to swear that they would never agree to the reconciliation of Henry Simeonis," even though for almost that entire time nobody had the slightest idea who that was. Still, screw that guy, right?
- Speaking of people you don't know but should feel free to hate, in that same month the Suspect Formerly Known as Arthur Knight was, at long last, extradited from Scotland. Nicholas Rossi's masquerading shenanigans continued for a while back in Utah, where he is now facing trial for sexual assault, a crime they take quite seriously there as long as you aren't running for President.
- Again you were reminded that, if at all possible, lawyers should try to not to sleep through important parts of trial, even though being unconscious does not necessarily mean such a lawyer has rendered ineffective assistance of counsel." Still, it is frowned upon.
- In February, you learned that a Missouri state senator had proposed a rule change that would allow one senator to challenge another to a duel if the offender had impugned" the challenger's honor beyond repair." This was probably not a serious proposal, although as we discussed Missouri lawmakers used to blaze away at each other quite freely.
- That same month, a Florida state representative proposed a bill making it almost impossible to punish people for killing bears, a bill he defended by saying it wasn't aimed at all bears, just the ones that are on crack." He continued by declaring that [w]hen you run into one of these crack bears, you should be able to shoot it, period." Is the number of documented incidents of ursine crack use in Florida actually zero, according to The Guardian? So many questions, so little time.
- Hey, that was also the month in which a Kentucky state representative said he had inadvertently proposed a bill that would have, inadvertently, removed first cousin" from the list of people with whom one should not have certain kinds of relationships. How that one specific phrase had inadvertently been removed, and who did so, was not explained.
- Roadkill! Can you scrape it up and eat it? Legally, I mean. Well, comply with the reporting requirements of what is now Virginia Code section 29.1-539, and the answer is yes. Mm-mmm.
- In April, O.J. Simpson died. This put an end to a long string of articles about him, which is kind of sad, but also to him personally, which isn't, unless you were related to him and that relationship was not ex-wife."
- We learned of more high-profile deaths in May, among them the vice-presidential ambitions of South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem and the puppy she shot in the face after it allegedly killed a chicken. Noem argued that the puppy murder was evidence she was willing to make hard choices," but most people saw it more as evidence she was willing to murder a puppy.
- PLEASE NOTE that I am still waiting for someone to send me a picture of the attorney who wore a Grover head during opening statements in Burns v. Seaworld Parks, in which the plaintiffs alleged that the Muppets at Sesame Place theme park are racist. I first asked for this in May, and do not understand why it has not been provided to me. I know someone has it. It is a simple request.
- Also in May, it was disclosed that a presidential candidate had been suffering from cognitive problems and memory loss, and because this is the United States, without more details you don't know which one it was. It's even more hilarious when you remember that one of those people is about to be put in command of almost 4,000 nuclear weapons. Ha!
- I also reminded you at about the same time that threatening to kill all the jurors if they find you guilty has proven to be a less-than-effective defense strategy, something I really didn't think I'd need to tell anybody more than once.
- Does a taco qualify as a sandwich"? Yes, said one court. Wrong and ridiculous," another court said three days later. Both decisions were rendered in Fort Wayne, Indiana, where the bloodshed presumably continues to this day.
- Please be advised that if you name your chatroom The ASX Pump and Dump Group," that may later be interpreted as evidence you were conspiring to further an illegal pump and dump" stock-fraud scheme. Similarly, filming yourself illegally shooting fireworks at a vehicle from a dangerously low altitude and then posting that video on YouTube could pose problems.
- Generative artificial intelligence! It shows great promise, in the sense that there seems to be nothing it cannot ruin. Have you stopped using it yet? Do so.
- Noodler Guilty of Murdering Alleged Bigfoot-Summoner" is a headline you are unlikely to see elsewhere, which is a sad commentary on the state of American media, is all I have to say.
- You might think the answer to the question, how many times did a lawyer poop in a Pringles can and throw it at an adversary" would be once," or at least something in the single digits. And yes, you would be wrong.
- Legal writing is my specialty, which is why you should pay attention when I advise you not to use the Twilight Zone font in a brief and that you should try to stay within 75 pages of the court's page limit, especially if that limit was three.
- August was an especially auspicious month, as it was when we first learned that Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., had lied on electoral documents in New York when he claimed to be a state resident, a conclusion the judge reached despite Kennedy's presentation of what he claimed was a valid state falconry license. Or was it valid? Shortly after certain legal-humor writers raised questions about that very point, Kennedy dropped out of the presidential race. Coincidence? Yes, but still.
- Despite his withdrawal from the race, in September the battle over the legitimacy of Kennedy's falconry license only heated up. To my shock, surprise, and dismay, but frankly also delight, New York officials actually denied my Freedom of Information Act request seeking relevant public documents. How dare they, I asked on appeal, along with reader David Porter, who filed a letter in support. Meanwhile, Kennedy continued to file even dumber appeals of the ruling disqualifying him from the New York ballot-which he no longer wanted to be on anyway-and continued to lose.
- October! It was the month you learned about the snail-farming tax dodge being peddled in the United Kingdom, that police in Florida had mistaken Spaghetti-O sauce for crystal meth, that Hawaii had made the shaka" its Official State Gesture, and that Nicholas Rossi (see above) had finally admitted his true identity. Among other important things.
- November was probably the worst month of a terrible year, and yet at least one ray of light dramatically pierced the gloom: New York backed down and agreed that the public had the right to inspect Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s state falconry records (which you may now do at this link). Did he have the license? Yes. Did he file the reports necessary to keep it valid? No. Did he falsify some falconry records in order to support his bogus residency claim? Yes. And these revelations, of course, ensured that RFK Jr. would never again be a factor in American political life.
- The other massive investigation that concluded in November was Operation Bear Claw, which confirmed that what at first glance seemed to be a bear trashing the inside of a Rolls Royce was, in fact, a guy in a bear suit trashing the inside of a Rolls Royce. Turns out auto insurance will not cover that.
- In December, you learned again that sovereign citizens" are full of it, and that there are lawyers whose clients should not be threatened with defamation claims without a very good reason.
- Something you surely know but many people still do not, despite my frequent reminders, is that trying to flee from authorities by jumping into the water will virtually always fail.
- Finally: Lawsuits? Why yes, there were some. Plaintiffs were horrified to find, for example, that their Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins had no eyes; that they were being illegally discriminated against by restaurants that did not allow them to order hotpot" unless they had a date; that Ana de Armas did not appear in the film Yesterday as the trailer had led them to believe; and that up to 210 servings" did not mean more than 210 servings." There were a lot more where those came from.
Speaking of more where this came from, I have no doubt that the world will not get any smarter in 2025. But I wish you the best.
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