Alarming Study Finds Only 1 In 4 Americans Can Get A Motherfuckin’ ‘Hell Yeah’

CAMBRIDGE, MA-Revealing a precipitous decline in the nation's access to a once-plentiful resource, an alarming study published Tuesday by Harvard's T.H. Chan School of Public Health found that only one in four Americans can get a motherfuckin' hell yeah." It's no secret that peer enthusiasm is harder to come by than it was in previous decades, but even then, we were shocked to find a full 75% of Americans could only get a half-hearted nice' for situations that would have had people raising the motherfuckin' roof just a decade ago," said the study's lead author, Professor Jessica Landers, adding that weak-ass responses like okay" and whatever" had exploded in frequency while hell yeah" equivalents such as BOOYAH" and let's fucking go" showed similar scarcity. These findings are deeply troubling. As recently as the 1990s, Americans could reliably expect to not only get a motherfuckin' hell yeah' from their homies, but also get a little skin up top. Now they're being met with eye rolls and awkward silences, and for many, a hell yeah' is out of reach no matter how hard they beg their buddies not to leave a motherfucka hangin'." Landers went on to urge policymakers to at least give her a damn dude, that sucks."

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