Super Bowl Coin Toss Fractures World Into Infinite Multiverses Where Eagles Win, Lose, Earth Explodes

NEW ORLEANS-Revealing that the cosmic branching event had startling consequences for the fabric of reality, experts confirmed Sunday that the Super Bowl coin toss had fractured the world into an infinite number of multiverses in which the Eagles win, the Eagles lose, the Earth explodes, and countless other possibilities. Put simply, the moment this silver and gold coin hit the turf, it rapidly splintered our universe into branching timelines where one or the other team wins, the Eagles play the Chiefs to an endless tie, Travis Kelce is injured in the third quarter, the ball is a perfect cube, and every player on the field is swallowed by a sinkhole, among others," said theoretical physicist Daniel Liu, adding that due to causal divergence, his researchers have detected a universe in which, right now, a kickoff by Jake Elliott has gone so high that it exited the atmosphere and rocketed into outer space. Some of these quantum bifurcations are so slight as to be virtually undetectable: Kendrick Lamar having a cough during his halftime performance, for example. Or Andy Reid, and Andy Reid alone, having a birdlike cloaca, rather than separate genitals and anus. Others-like the head coaches agreeing to drop football entirely and instead play the Basque racket sport jai alai-have far greater ramifications that we are just beginning to understand." Liu went on to confirm that despite the infinite fissures in reality, his team could not detect a single multiverse in which Jawaan Taylor played a respectable game.

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