Alleged Irish Orphan Convicted of Being American Rapist
Seventeen years after his crime, and after years of being on the run pretending to be someone else, and then more years of being in custody pretending to be a different someone else, Nicholas Edward Rossi has finally been convicted of rape. A jury in Utah deliberated for eight hours, seven and a half of which I assume were devoted to taking advantage of the free refreshments, before announcing its verdict last night.
Our acquaintance with Rossi goes back to 2022, when a man in a Scottish hospital claiming to be an Irish orphan was first suspected to be an American rapist. See Suspect Claiming Mistaken Identity Says Someone Tattooed Him Without His Knowledge" (Nov. 15, 2022). That history alone wouldn't get you covered here, but if you were willing to claim that the distinctive tattoos you share with an American fugitive were put on you by an intruder while you slept, my friend, you would move to the top of the list.
If you then continued to insist that despite the tattoos and other substantial evidence, you were not the American fugitive but instead an Irish orphan, especially if your fake Irish accent was absolutely terrible, you might then be mentioned in at least three Assorted Stupidity installments (here, Nos. 155, 156, and 158). Your actual extradition would certainly then be mentioned, probably even if your pants didn't fall down while you were struggling to stay off the plane. Former Fugitive Extradited, Briefly De-Trousered" (Jan. 9, 2024). Your choice of legal representation might also make news. See Guess Who's Decided to Represent Himself?" (May 17, 2024) (answer: you did).
Then (I'm skipping a couple mentions here), imagine that once back in Utah you admitted your true identity, but claimed you had to flee the country to avoid being assassinated by the Rhode Island Legislature. The Prisoner Formerly Known as Nicholas Rossi Finally Admits He Lied About His Identity" (Oct. 17, 2024). Oh, that's the one in which I also finally remembered to point out that your stepfather had been a part-time Englebert Humperdinck impersonator, which is worth pointing out again.
Those are all things that might get you featured here, I guess is what I'm saying.
According to the Salt Lake Tribune, Rossi changed his mind about representing himself at trial, possibly the only wise thing he has ever done. His attorneys, who I'm sure did their best, reportedly argued that the state's case was like an old jigsaw puzzle bought at a thrift store," suggesting some pieces would inevitably be missing. Fair enough, but usually you don't need every last piece to remove reasonable doubt as to what's pictured.
The missing puzzle pieces were likely far less important than the testimony of Rossi's victim, who bravely testified against her attacker almost two decades later. Not that we need more facts to applaud Rossi's conviction, but her testimony provides at least two (in addition to her testimony about the assault, of course). First, Rossi met her and started taking advantage of her while she was recovering from a traumatic brain injury, which I'm pretty sure gets him a demotion to at least the Eighth Circle. And second, the subject line for his Craigslist ad was Cultured artistic scarf-wearing bibliophile seeks female counterpart, 21."
That won't get him demoted any further, but it won't help either.
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