The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Kash Patel

As questions mount over his handling of the Epstein files and other high-profile investigations, FBI Director Kash Patel testified before Congress Wednesday in a contentious five-hour hearing with the House Judiciary Committee. The Onion sat down with the former Trump aide to discuss his plans for the nation's top law enforcement agency.

The Onion: Are you ready for the interview to start?

Patel: I was really hoping you wouldn't ask that one.

The Onion: What made you want to work in law enforcement?

Patel: Ever since I was a little boy, I knew I wanted to bungle a murder investigation.

The Onion: How do you approach solving crimes?

Patel: I find the most dedicated, nonpartisan professionals I can, and then I fire them.

The Onion: Why has the FBI not released the Epstein documents it has in its possession?

Patel: I'm not privy to that information. I would direct those questions to FBI Director Kash Patel.

The Onion: Are you concerned about the rise of political violence in the U.S.?

Patel: Yes, it isn't advancing rapidly enough to justify what we have planned.

The Onion: How many times does Donald Trump's name appear in the Epstein files?

Patel: I'll let you know when we're finished rewriting them.

The Onion: Why did you post on X that the suspect in the Charlie Kirk shooting was caught before he was in custody?

Patel: It'd been a while since I went viral.

The Onion: What do you have to say to those questioning your competence as FBI director?

Patel: I don't come to your job and tell you how to mishandle your Epstein files.

The Onion: Are you worried about the growing number of senators who don't believe in your leadership?

Patel: I'd be worried if Congress could actually do anything about it.

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