The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Sabrina Carpenter

Pop star Sabrina Carpenter is one of several artists set to headline this year's Lollapalooza. The Onion sat down with the Espresso" singer to discuss love, life, and her forthcoming album, Man's Best Friend.

The Onion: Which one are you again?

Carpenter: Of the two very short pop stars under 35, I'm the one who acts like a horny 56-year-old stepmother rather than a transracial infant.

You got your start in Hollywood as a child actor for Disney, is that right?

Yes, I starred in the 1999 Disney Channel movie Zenon: Girl Of The 21st-Century when I was just three minutes old.

What is your first music-related memory?

My grandma used to sing me an old Scottish lullaby about girls getting on top.

Favorite ungulate?

Brazilian tapir. Wait-no! Siberian musk deer!

Are you a natural blond?

We're all born bald, and we'll all die bald.

What part of performing do you get most excited for?

The free bottled water. At the Grammys, I stuffed, like, nine Dasanis down my bodysuit. They almost fell out during Espresso."

What is your biggest turn-on?

Ants freaking out after you erase their pheromone trail.

Who is Manchild" about?

Charlton Heston.

What are your biggest regrets?

If I could do it all over, I would have chosen different cover art for Man's Best Friend. I now understand that it's wrong because I was comparing myself to a dog, and dogs play poker, which is a vice.

Did one of your ancestors really work as a carpenter?

All of my ancestors also sang about fucking, but in period-accurate clothing.

Do you have any hidden talents?

I can crush a beer can inside my vagina with a single Kegel.

Would you like to harmonize?

Sure-you be the tuba, and I'll be the gong.

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