Article 717J8 CDC Figures It Easier To Start Tracking People Without Measles

CDC Figures It Easier To Start Tracking People Without Measles

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The Onion Staff
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ATLANTA-As the agency struggles to manage a measles caseload that has erupted to its largest size in decades, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention stated Monday that at this point, it would probably make more sense to start tracking people without the disease.

Citing recent data that showed U.S. vaccination rates had dropped below the level needed to stop community spread of measles, top CDC scientists confirmed the overwhelming number of outbreaks across the country was making it really hard to keep tabs on everyone who had the disease. As a result, they concluded, it would be a whole lot easier" to just tally the nation's uninfected individuals instead.

This is really gonna streamline our process," CDC spokesperson Ada Fischer said of the new strategy, observing that measles was one of the world's most contagious infections and, without prevention, spread unchecked through a population. From now on, instead of asking people to report any symptoms of fever, rash, or lesions in the mouth, we're asking them to contact us when they don't have any of those things. It'll make everything much simpler."

If you really want us to, we can keep going into these day cares and schools and hospitals and try to count all the people who have measles," she continued. But to be honest, it's beginning to feel like a huge waste of time."

The CDC said that while it had worked hard over the years to promote measles-mumps-rubella vaccinations, its efforts clearly weren't succeeding, so there was no real reason to continue expending resources in hotspots like Texas, New Mexico, Kansas, or Ohio. Officials tracking the outbreaks determined it was so bad in West Texas they might as well just say everyone there had measles and call it a day.

Last month, however, a CDC doctor visited Seagraves, TX, and had a chance encounter with a 53-year-old man who appeared not to have measles at all. After testing confirmed this, researchers realized they could save tons of time if they simply tracked people like him for a change, rather than counting the area's hundreds of infected residents.

According to Steve Witkofsky, a veteran epidemiologist who has spent his career at the CDC, his biggest regret was not thinking of this approach sooner.

Look, I'm done tracking all these people with measles and writing stupid reports about it," Witkofsky told reporters, noting that the disease was declared eliminated from the United States in 2000 only to come back with a vengeance when Americans began to take the lack of cases for granted. At this point, it's kind of like, Fuck you,' you know? If you won't take a safe, affordable, widely available precaution to prevent your family members from possibly dying of pulmonary failure or encephalitis, then you're the asshole, not me. Someone else can deal with this shit now. I'm done."

He added, It's not like this administration is gonna leave the CDC with enough money to help anybody anyway."

The post CDC Figures It Easier To Start Tracking People Without Measles appeared first on The Onion.

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