Coast Guard Backtracks On Plan To Reclassify Swastikas As Mascot

WASHINGTON-Reversing course after fierce backlash over the decision's potentially divisive nature, the U.S. Coast Guard announced Friday that it would abandon plans to reclassify the swastika from a hate symbol to the military branch's official mascot. As of now, there are no ongoing plans to continue rolling out Heily the Sailin' Swastika' as our fun new spokesperson," said Coast Guard media relations chair Nikolas Briggs, confirming that all orders of merchandise featuring the jaunty, anthropomorphized swastika had been frozen, and that the costumed character would no longer make crowd-hyping appearances before Coast Guard events. We had thought it might be fun to add a little patriotic spirit to functions by having Heily shoot out brown shirts and Hakenkreuz armbands to cheering Coast Guardsmen and their spouses, but after reading your letters, we understand this plan may be more polarizing than intended. Starting today, the Coast Guard will no longer endorse, in any official capacity, Heily's catchphrase Full speed a-heil!' nor will Heily greet service members' families alongside his cute but grumpy sidekick tugboat, the S.S. Officer. Given the symbol's history, we now feel it would be more appropriate to reclassify the swastika as merely an official alternate logo for the U.S. Coast Guard." At press time, the Coast Guard was reportedly finalizing plans for its replacement mascot, Loopy the Noose."

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