EPA Unveils Plan To Make Water Chunkier

WASHINGTON-In an effort to provide a more hearty, spoonable drinking experience," the Environmental Protection Agency announced Thursday a sweeping new initiative to make all U.S. tap water chunkier by 2030.For too long, Americans have had to put up with thin, dull water, but we're going to cut through all of the unnecessary red tape and give people delicious water that you can chew," said EPA administrator Lee Zeldin, adding that the agency would soon begin introducing naturally occurring by-products into municipal water systems to produce nutrient-rich lumps, globs, and other satisfying clusters in drinking water. This is a win-win for everybody. You'll get thick, refreshing water that keeps you hydrated, our industries won't be oppressed by silly water-safety regulations, and we'll no longer waste billions in taxpayers dollars each year on needless de-chunking treatments."The agency confirmed it was already in talks with major chemical manufacturers that it hopes can expedite the water-clotting process by offloading industrial waste directly into rivers.

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