Article 761J4 Report: Music’s Power To Unite, Heal Down 74%

Report: Music’s Power To Unite, Heal Down 74%

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The Onion Staff
from The Onion on (#761J4)
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WASHINGTON-Indicating a downward trend across all genres, a new report from the Recording Industry Association of America released Thursday found that music's power to bridge divides and lift spirits had dropped 74%.After this latest dip in its capacity to unify, we can no longer recommend music as a reliable means of bringing people together," said RIAA representative Marc Olivier, noting that in the past year there had been almost no instances of the art form inspiring a group of strangers to set aside their differences and join hands in song. We found music's ability to foster connections that transcend race, creed, and even language has steadily declined over the past 50 years, culminating in a marked drop in swaying and singing arm-in-arm among nearly every demographic. New data shows that combinations of melodic instrumentation, energizing rhythm, rich harmonies, and a catchy chorus now offer no significant balm to emotional wounds, and only succeed in soothing a young soldier's crisis of conscience or deescalating tensions between law enforcement and civilians in 1% of cases. That's down from a record high of 86% in 1975."The report did note the exception of the Happy Birthday" song, which, when performed in a restaurant, still held the power to galvanize anyone within earshot to join in on the fun.

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