BOFH: For one ambitious security type, chaos is a ladder

EPISODE 11 "And uh... what are you doing?" the Head of Security asks, entering the Security office as I'm making my way to the exit - with a PC under my arm. "Just taking this back to the office to archive the contents and then reset it to factory defaults," I say. "Company policy when someone has been... let go." There have been a number of changes at Security - the same number of changes as there used to be members of Security staff. Apparently, eating endless pastries and watching pirated movies isn't an industry-standard procedure for security professionals. Furthermore, the spate of alcohol thefts from the boardroom liquor cabinet seems to have ended after HR discovered several empty bottles in Security's overflowing recycling bin... HR acted swiftly (for a change) and a whole new security team was employed, headed by a keen new broom - who's currently blocking the doorway... To say that he's enthusiastic in his role would be an understatement. His first move was to isolate Security onto a completely separate internet feed, firewalled off from the rest of the Company. Move two was to implement a plan of recording the equipment people leave the building with - something that's proving rather unpopular with laptop users. "Oh, I don't think we'll need it to be erased," he says, holding out his hands to retrieve the machine from my grasp. "Really, there's no telling what's on this machine," I say. "Malware, copyright movies, porn even. We don't know. It's safer - for the Company - if we just start from a clean machine. We might even just dump it to be on the safe side." "Sure," the Head of Security says. "Though that machine looks like it's almost brand new. It's still got stickers on it! And it looks fairly... high end. I think we can take the risk. I'm pretty up-to-date with IT security and the like - so maybe you should let me worry about..." "I think this should probably be HR's call," I respond. "They may want to be sure the Company isn't exposed to any risk that the machine might present." "I can call HR if you like," the Chief Pie-eater suggests, calling my bluff and reaching for his phone. "But I doubt they'd be too concerned." "They should be. If there's malware installed on the recovery partition, you'll reinfect the machine when you restore it to factory defaults." "Thanks for your concern," he says, wresting the machine from my grasp and stepping out of the doorway. ... So that's how it's going to be. Obviously, we knew there was going to be trouble. We prepared ourselves for it. The new Security team has an enthusiasm for the job that was completely absent from the former crew, mainly because they're jockeying for the position of 2IC. The Boss is waiting for me when I get back to Mission Control. "Just had a call from Security. Apparently, you were trying to... remove... one of their machines?" "Yeah. I was going to erase it and restore it to factory settings." "Couldn't you just do that there?" "We prefer to do a reinstall on the DMZ segment - just in case there's any malware on the machine after we restore it." "Right. Well, I talked to the guy, and it certainly sounded like he had everything under control," the Boss assures me. And so there you go. The Boss can determine someone's technical competence from a two-minute phone call. It must be one of his superpowers, along with the toxic body odor and the ability to sniff out a kebab stand in a farmers' market. Two minutes later, in Mission Control... "Right," I say, entering Mission Control. "Everyone ready?" The PFY nods. The lead candidate for 2IC of Security nods. "One of the pitfalls with security types is that they often shave with Occam's razor," I say. "When seeing someone leaving the office with a PC under their arm, they immediately think 'office theft,' rather than thinking 'did this person bring the aforementioned machine into the office in the first place, wait until they heard someone approaching, then make to exit the office?'" The 2IC candidate contemplates this silently. "Another problem with security types is how to celebrate a victory. In this situation, a wise person would not simply 'upgrade' their desktop machine with this newer and shinier item - because it might have an infected operating system - AND infected recovery partition. No, a wise person would first sca-" "Ooh, we're in business!" the PFY interrupts, as his machine receives a ping. "Right," I say to Security 2IC, "I'd give it maybe half an hour - to really trash your network - before I head downstairs. Then maybe I'd ask why all the machines in your office appear to be going crazy." "And you think that would be enough to get him fired, do you?" he asks. "It will be when you discover the stash of Company laptops in the boot of his car as he leaves the parking basement," the PFY says. "And make sure you have the Head of HR with you." "Why's that?" the soon-to-be Head of Security asks. "Because one of the laptops is his..." BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99