Nation Decides Baseball Too Fast Now

NEW YORK-Just a few years after Major League Baseball introduced sweeping pace-of-play reforms intended to make the sport more compelling, a stressed-out nation confirmed Thursday that baseball games had now become much too fast.Jesus Christ, everything's happening so fast I can't even keep track of it-let us catch our breath!" Reds fan Aaron Cartwright said as he scrambled to down a beer and a hot dog during a recent home game in his native Cincinnati, echoing a belief shared by millions of Americans that the pitch clock had transformed his experience from leisurely afternoon-long day-drinking sessions into frantic, headache-inducing sprints" without any of the dead time or sense of listlessness that once made baseball great. If I wanted fast-paced, nonstop action, I'd just watch hockey or something. That's not what baseball's for. How are you supposed to attract a new generation of fans if kids no longer have four-hour stretches to just sit there and soak up the whole gist of the sport? This shit is un-American!"In response to the growing backlash, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred released a statement reminding fans that while games are faster now, there's as little happening in them as ever.

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