Player Profile: Lionel Messi

Broadly considered one of the greatest soccer players of all time, Argentina's Lionel Messi set a new record as the top goalscorer in World Cup history. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the eight-time Ballon d'Or winner.

Age: 39, minus stoppage time

Favorite Charity: Major League Soccer

Catchphrase: ..."

Net Worth: Can't complain

Pre-Match Ritual: Eating a little grass to acclimate to the field

Least Favorite Part Of Sport: Having to kick the beautiful soccer balls

Special Talent: Can also use his feet to cook

Favorite Thing About Miami: Starting over where nobody knows his name

Grandparents' Activity During WW2: Hopefully just soccer

Signature Celebration: Pointing to sky to thank a bird he saw

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