Newborn Baby Can Already Tell Parents’ Genetics Not Going To Do Him Any Favors

LAS VEGAS-Expressing frustration after interacting with the unsightly couple during his first few minutes in the world, local newborn Charles Charlie" Womack could reportedly already tell Tuesday that his parents' genetics were not going to do him any favors. Oh boy, looks like I'm gonna have to put all my eggs in the personality basket," Womack said while mentally cataloging his parents' pronounced foreheads, weak chins, poor posture, and flabby physiques. Jesus, how did I get saddled with so many shitty genes? I can't even imagine how two people so unattractive could work up the will to have a baby together. Aw, Christ, just look at these sad fucks. Guess I'm not playing any varsity sports. I'm not going to even bother trying to reach developmental milestones. For the love of God, I hope at least one of them is some sort of genius, or else I'll really have nothing going for me." At press time, sources confirmed that Womack had burst into tears upon meeting his already-balding 17-year-old brother.

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