What To Know About Cyclosporiasis
Cases of cyclosporiasis, a parasitic infection that can cause explosive diarrhea," have been reported in at least 34 states. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the illness.
Q: Who is most at risk?
A: Children, the elderly, and poor fuckers who've already used all their sick days.
Q: Why is it called explosive" diarrhea?
A: Extensive focus group testing.
Q: How many cases have been recorded?
A: Oh, the CDC doesn't do that anymore.
Q: How can I tell if I have cyclosporiasis?
A: You know there are exactly 36 tiles on your bathroom floor.
Q: How is cyclosporiasis treated?
A: With a large cork and plenty of prayer.
Q: How do I keep myself safe?
A: Let all your compulsions and neuroses take over your life again.
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