Little League World Series Game Turned Off Due To Neither Team Having Big Fat Kid

BUFFALO, NY-Audibly groaning before declaring the event a major letdown" compared to competitions in previous years, local baseball fan Dylan St. John reportedly switched off Wednesday's Little League World Series game between Canada and Asia-Pacific due to neither team having a big fat kid playing for them. What the fuck is up with all these goddamn string beans? What happened to all the huge, chunky kids?" said a visibly irate St. John, telling reporters that he had been looking forward to the Little League World Series as the only remaining sporting event where fans could watch 250-pound 12-year-olds compete at an elite level. What's the point of watching this thing if there aren't any tweens the size of a D1 linebacker with a nickname like Meatball' or Tortuga' or something? If I wanted to see a bunch of normal-sized kids play baseball, I'd go to my local park, but this is the Little League World Series-I'm here to see some massively overweight kids just fucking launch balls into orbit. Seriously, some of these kids look like they're barely pushing 100 pounds. What a waste of time." At press time, St. John had turned the game back on after his buddy texted him that Canada had just put in a 260-pound catcher the announcers referred to as Wrecking Ball.'"

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