BOFH: The best way to stop an idea spreading is a controlled burn
Look, off in the ether - is it a bird, is it a plane? No, it's a stupid idea, on final approach...
And look, the Boss has his office door open!
C L E A R A N C E T O L A N D !
...
The Boss has wandered into Mission Control with something obviously on his mind. Over time, the PFY and I have learned to equate these thoughtful moments with the BAG FULL lamp of a commercial vacuum cleaner at a waxing salon. Do not open.
His presence in Mission Control is never a good sign, but his "thoughtful" presence, even more so. He'll have seen something, read something, spoken to someone, or possibly overheard something in a toilet stall that will have sounded - to him - like a great idea. Or it might have been a cheddar-frenzy-induced fever dream that he wants to run by us.
And the Boss's crazy ideas are, unfortunately, like bran flakes to his mental digestion, the output of which being delivered to the PFY and myself as a veritable slurry of poorly considered ideas.
"AI," he says, pausing for effect, once he's rolled to a stop.
He then waits patiently for one of us to ask "What about AI?" However, that will never happen. In terms of stupidity, it's up there with saying Candyman into a mirror five times, power washing a gremlin, or visiting a basement when Jason's in town.
...
"For the security system," the Boss teases.
I continue my intense focus on my monitors, hoping the lunacy will depart. The PFY does the same.
The PFY and I know that the only way out of this is to stall till the end of the day, at which time the Boss's overnight reset will trigger, leaving him only a vague memory of having had a good idea.
>clickety< >tap<
"Uh-oh," I say, reaching into my drawer for my crashtop. "It looks like one of the distribution switches on 4 has crashed."
>tappity<
"And not just 4 - it looks like the boardroom has gone down too."
"It could be a virus," I say, using words I know the Boss will respond to.
"A virus?!" the Boss gasps.
"I don't know. It's too soon to tell," I say, departing.
...
So now I'm hiding in a cramped comms room on the fourth floor while I plug the crashtop into the CCTV VLAN so I can check on the Boss's location. Luckily, we upgraded the system to an AI-integrated platform, so I only need to type IDIOT into the search field to find him.
Sure enough, he's back in his office, typing away furiously, which can only mean there's a memo on its way. And if there's a memo, there's a path to reminding him of his dumb idea tomorrow...
>tappity< >tap< >tap< >clickety<
On the screen, the Boss looks around anxiously as his laptop fires up DBAN in full confirm mode. He then reaches for a sheet of paper and starts scribbling furiously.
>tappity< >tap<
The office lights switch off as the BMS system clock suddenly finds out that it's midnight.
On the screen, the Boss's phone torch comes on and he resumes scribbling.
>bip< >bip< >bip< >biiiiiiip<
>ring<
"Hello?" the Boss asks, with a hint of feedback.
"It's the virus!" I gasp. "It's coming from inside the building!!!"
Meantime, I've messaged the PFY and advised him to pick up the shredder from the boardroom cupboard.
"What do I do?" the Boss gasps.
"It's the wireless broadband connection on the roof!" I say. "We need to disconnect it!"
"I thought you said it was coming from inside the building?" the Boss asks.
DAMMIT!
>tappity< >click< >tap< >tap<
Further discussion is impossible now that his phone is erasing itself, having been marked as a stolen device...
The PFY was unable to find the shredder, as it looks to have been dumped now that board papers are no longer printed. On the plus side, he has a plan.
...two hours later...
"So, we're clear to enter the building?" I ask the fire warden.
"Yes, you're clear, though it looks like the fire started on your floor."
"It doesn't surprise me," I say. "We're creative people. Our ideas spark innovation."
"It looks like there was some as-yet-unknown accelerant used."
"Really? Was it... enthusiasm?" I ask.
"No, more like lighter fluid."
"Oh," I say, thinking of the smokers the PFY occasionally chats to outside at the skip. "Well, we may never know."
"Don't you have some sort of AI surveillance system?" he asks.
"Sadly, that was the first thing to go," I lie.
...Later, in Mission Control...
"So, in review," the PFY says. "We shut down a couple of switches, put the building in night mode, trashed a laptop and a mobile phone, then set fire to the building."
"Yes."
"Simply to stop a dumb idea?"
"Yes."
"And the funny thing is, I took a look at his scribblings - and it wasn't all that bad."
"Really?" I ask, reaching for the isopropyl and a lighter, just in case it's contagious.