Updates!
- The guy who shot his friend last August after they argued about whether Halle Berry would play Aretha Franklin in an upcoming biopic (the right answer: "no," but we would also accept "please don't shoot me") was indicted on nine or maybe ten counts as a result, according to this report and depending on whether it uses semicolons correctly. The shootee was seriously injured, but survived. The shooter claimed the fight was not about Aretha Franklin, as witnesses claimed, but he wouldn't tell reporters what it was about, so it was probably about that.
- You will of course recall that the United States Government was hoping to auction off almost a ton of not-at-all-fresh American paddlefish meat, apparently doing everything it can to rustle up the money for that wall. See "United States v. 1855.6 Pounds of American Paddlefish Meat" (Nov. 14, 2018) and "Update: The Paddlefish Defendants Are Now for Sale" (Jan. 28, 2019). The latest update: nobody bought it. (No one even bid.) Now what? Do the defendants go free?
- Nope. The government put them on the block again, dropping the starting bid from $3,180 to $2,865, and it offered an even better deal on that 1,536 pounds of not-at-all-fresh paddlefish caviar (down from $92,200 to $82,980). Tempting! But not tempting enough to attract any bidders, again. If you're holding out for the best deal possible on fish products that may or may not have been continuously refrigerated, tick tock, my friend. Tick tock.
- Back in Assorted Stupidity #114, there was the Illinois man who managed to get the post office to deliver United Parcel Service's business mail to his one-bedroom apartment for three months, via the diabolically clever and somehow successful plan of filling out a change-of-address form signed "UPS." Well, that man ended up pleading guilty to bank fraud, according to CBS Chicago. His sentencing was set for March 22, at last report.
- French legislative update: the bill that would have made it illegal to make fun of another French person's regional accent (see "Now Go Away or I Shall Taunt You a Second Time" (Oct. 24, 2018)) does not appear to have passed. I didn't track the bill itself but the statute it would have amended, Article 225-1 of le Code pi(C)nal, remains unchanged.
- Finally, Len Kachinsky of Making a Murderer infamy is still in trouble, although he did beat that stalking charge a few months ago. See "'Quirky' Lawyer Acquitted of Stalking; Concedes He Did 'Meow Randomly on Occasion'" (Dec. 14, 2018). The Wisconsin Judicial Commission recommended on February 26 that Kachinsky be suspended for at least one year, or as long as the woman he was accused of stalking works at the courthouse, whichever is longer. If the question "how did this person ever get to be a judge in the first place?" is bubbling up in your mind, you are not alone, but all of you are giving America way too much credit.
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