Exclusive Interview With Kamala Harris

With Joe Biden stepping aside from the 2024 presidential race, the Democratic Party has put its money, manpower, and fate in the hands of Kamala Harris. The Onion sat down with the vice president to discuss her political career, her whirlwind nomination, and her vision for the future of the United States of America.

The Onion: What is your favorite book?
Kamala Harris: If I don't say Becoming, Michelle will pull her endorsement. But really it's The Audacity Of Hope.

Is Joe Biden nice in real life?
I don't know, I've never met him.

What is it like being the first presidential candidate to have dated Montel Williams?
Actually, I'm the third presidential candidate to have dated Montel Williams, after James Madison and Woodrow Wilson.

Do you feel pressure running against Donald Trump?
No, because no matter who wins, a Howard University alumna will be president.

How do you plan to appeal to white, working-class voters?
By promising to destroy their way of life and usher in a new era of mixed-race dominance, of course.

We made way too much chicken vesuvio. Do you want to take some home?
Sure. I keep Tupperware in my purse for precisely this reason.

What is your plan for stabilizing the conflict between Israel and Palestine?
I have an amazing idea that will 100% work, but I'm not going to give it to you for free right now. You have to elect me to get the plan.

What are your views on the death penalty?
If you keep sticking your nose in places it doesn't belong, you're gonna find out.

Do you miss California?
Chah, brah. But I'm hella stoked on the White House.

Who will you be voting for this November?
Donald J. Trump. I just don't think a woman should be president. Sorry!

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