New Features Coming To Instagram’s ‘Teen Accounts’

Instagram launched Teen Accounts" last week, a new effort aimed at protecting users between 13 and 17. Here are some of the features the social media giant has developed to protect minors on the platform.

Beheading limits: Instagram will now nudge teen users once they've reached their 60 minutes of daily execution content.

Grooming timer: Parents will now have the ability to restrict the amount of time their children spend talking with middle-aged perverts.

Sleep mode: When a teen tries to open the app between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m., Mark Zuckerberg will appear on their screen and sing a lullaby.

Parental ideology selector: Parents can choose which extreme ideologies they'd like their kids to see content for, and which should be algorithmically suppressed.

Sounds only teens can hear: Teens will be able to add high-pitched tones to their reels and stories that only young ears can detect.

Matt Gaetz auto-block: Underage Instagram users will be automatically prohibited from interacting with the Republican congressman.

Life-clock crystals: All teens will have their palms implanted with a glowing crystal indicating their age according to Meta. At age 18, they will have it removed by undergoing the Rite of the Carousel-or they can take their chances by running.

Loser mode: Teens who are way out of the loop and never know what the fuck everyone is talking about will finally have a fast and easy way to catch up.

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