Scientists Let Defrosted Neanderthal Run Around Shrieking Before Refreezing Him

SAN DIEGO-Appearing excited by a change of pace around the lab, researchers at the University of California, San Diego, reportedly laughed and cheered Friday as one of their perfectly preserved Neanderthal specimens regained consciousness and ran around shrieking after it was defrosted. Releasing him from his cryochamber every so often is important to prevent loss of muscle mass, but the main reason we do it is just to watch him flail around and go absolutely nuts in a world he's unfamiliar with," said Professor Garret White, head of the cryogenics lab, who ducked as the Neanderthal flung a beaker, a liquid nitrogen tank, and an electron microscope across the room. If we're having a rough week, we may let him out two or even three times just to see the look on his face when he wakes up in the 21st century and has this instant existential breakdown. Our anthropological data suggests he was a feared pack leader around 40,000 years ago, so it's particularly entertaining to see him get frustrated when the lab's other Neanderthals, who are still frozen, don't obey his commands to flay us alive." White added that when it was time to refreeze the angry Neanderthal, researchers simply handed him a tablet computer and let TikTok's algorithm lull him into total complacency.

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