Tips For Saving Money On Groceries

Food prices continue to rise as supermarkets and manufacturers rake in record profits, squeezing many American families' budgets. The Onion shares tips for saving money on groceries.

• Make a list and stick to it unless Ben & Jerry's is on sale, or you see those cream sandwich cookies you like.
• Stop feeding any children that clearly aren't gonna pan out in the long run.
• Mix up a large pot of homogenized nutrient paste on Sundays and portion it into servings to last the rest of the week.
• Make your own tomatoes, however that works.
• Remember, marketing is just marketing, no matter how many cereal mascots jump off their boxes and engage in playful banter with you.
• Put everything on Bills -2.5 this Sunday and you'll never have to worry about saving money again.
• Hire a private investigator to take photographs of Kroger cashiers in compromising situations that you can use to blackmail them during checkout.
• There are always lentils!

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