America’s Loneliness Epidemic By The Numbers

Studies have linked chronic loneliness with a variety of harmful health conditions, from cardiovascular disease to anxiety. The Onion takes a look at the key statistics behind what the surgeon general has described as a loneliness epidemic.

83 Million: Dogs purchased to try and fix this

741,000: Number of Americans who listed their profession on the 2020 Census as lonesome cowboy"

2: Lifetime opportunities to make new friends after college

0: Lips at the opposite end of that long spaghetti strand you're slurping

65%: Men who report feeling lonely after murdering their spouse

1: Son of your mom's hairdresser who is also interested in that video game stuff

21,000: Pigeons in the park who have been eating good lately

13: Days before your neighbor will notice the smell of your rotting corpse

92%: Decline in the use of two-person, hand-pumped rail cars

$1,800: Cost to purchase a pal off the dark web

0: Other people out there who can relate to exactly how you're feeling

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