Biden Batted Around By Giant Cat

WASHINGTON-Watching in horror as the hulking feline pounced on the commander-in-chief scampering across the White House lawn, officials confirmed Friday that President Joe Biden was batted around by a relentless giant cat. Hey, kitty, kitty-please, no!" said Biden, who looked desperately over his shoulder in search of his Secret Service detail and yelped out in fear as the stray domestic shorthair lifted its paw and smacked him, which sent his 82-year-old body spinning high into the air and pinwheeling across the grass. Someone, anyone, get it off me! Dear Lord. Is this how it ends? Is this my legacy? No, kitty! Not my neck!" At press time, a White House groundskeeper was seen shooing the cat away with a rake.

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