All Of The Changes Coming To Starbucks

In an effort to win back customers and boost profits, Starbucks' new CEO Brian Niccol is implementing sweeping changes. Here is a selection of the innovations Niccol is making.

Baristas will use Sharpies to get high at work again

Introducing new seasonal menu items like the Ground's Thawed So We Can Finally Bury Grandma Day Latte

Bringing back in-store cows for self-service milk station

Some new focaccia aioli harissa egg thing that will still taste like its been sitting out for 30 years

Free espresso shots for kids under 5

Removing your favorite drink from the menu and burning all files that contained the recipe

Waste reduced by introduction of communal straw

All employees must purchase something before being able to use the bathroom

Free coffee on day of your death

Streamlined ordering process" and other ways to not say laying a bunch of people off

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