Insecure Woman Doesn’t Like Eating In Front Of Surveillance State

LOS ANGELES-Attributing her behavior to insecurity about the government, local woman Kirsten Sears told reporters Monday that she did not like eating in front of the surveillance state. I try to remember the government is more interested in my ideology than my macronutrients, but still, every time, I get so embarrassed," said Sears, who explained that she had developed the fear in adolescence around the time she started becoming self-conscious about her personal data and growing digital footprint. I'd hate for Big Brother to see me with mustard on my face. Usually around lunch I'll head to a stairwell, look around and realize that's not safe, hop in my car, drive 150 miles to the desert, get out, and then walk 10 more miles by foot. I know it's irrational, but I can't stop imagining that every time I take a bite of my sandwich, Peter Thiel is thinking, Oink, oink.'" At press time, Sears added that she restricted herself to neutral-colored foods to avoid satellite detection.

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