The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Andrew Cuomo

Despite losing the Democratic primary in June, Andrew Cuomo will be on the ballot this November as an independent candidate for New York City mayor. The Onion sat down with the former governor to discuss his campaign.

The Onion : How do you feel your campaign has been going so far?

Cuomo: I haven't really been following it.

The Onion : What is your biggest political weakness?

Cuomo: Name recognition.

The Onion : You've allegedly been coordinating with President Trump. How did the two of you come into contact?

Cuomo: Our hands met while rubbing the same female staffer's lower back.

The Onion : As mayor, what would be the most important areas to focus on first?

Cuomo: Her hips, and then her thighs.

The Onion : What is your vision for the future of New York?

Cuomo: My personal necropolis. A charnel city of the damned. The bloodstained throne from which I shall tame death herself.

The Onion : What advice would you give young people interested in politics?

Cuomo: Always be empathetic, resilient, and the child of a governor.

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