Holiday Cooking For One

With the festive season upon us and our hearts filled with the reality that we've never been so isolated and alone, The Onion offers an extensive guide featuring tips and tricks for preparing an unforgettable annual feast to create a completely miserable dining experience for one.

STEP 1

Leave your ex-wife a long, meandering voicemail.

STEP 2

Measure one cup of Andrew Tate's Ultimate Male Turkey Powder.

STEP 3

Turn an unused burner on medium and place your hand on it to feel something, anything at all.

STEP 4

Using a steak knife, catch a glimpse of what you've become in the blade's reflection.

STEP 5

Wash vegetables in warm water on a gentle cycle with plenty of fabric softener.

STEP 6

Double the salt in the recipes to reduce your odds of doing another one of these next year.

STEP 7

Mindlessly peel 647 potatoes as you daydream about all the ways you will seek revenge on those enjoying Thanksgiving without you.

STEP 8

Add two cups of melted butter to your open mouth.

STEP 9

Recoil in shock after touching the turkey and suddenly becoming flooded with its memories in which it, too, is scared and alone.

STEP 10

Eat straight from the pan naked for fewer dishes and clothes to wash.

STEP 11

Go outside and press your face to the glass of the dining room window of the happiest family in your neighborhood.

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