Study Finds Processed Meats Carcinogenic But They Were On Sale

INDIANAPOLIS-Suggesting there were some deals even cancer researchers couldn't say no to, a new study published Thursday by the American Society of Preventative Oncology found that processed meats were carcinogenic but were also on sale. Our evidence indicates that while common deli items like salami, bacon, and corned beef have strong links to cancer, they were simply being offered at prices too good to pass up," said study co-author Dr. James Underwood, who added that avoiding products that contain nitrites and other chemical preservatives decreased the risk of developing gastrointestinal cancer, but with bargains like this, you'd be an idiot" not to stock up on them. Over the course of our analysis, we found that eating just one hot dog a day markedly increased rates of stomach, esophageal, and colorectal cancer, but an eight-pack of all-beef franks for $3.99? Come on. At that price, they're basically giving them away. And after all, meat is meat." The new study follows research published last month that showed a significant link between buying organic produce, overall gut health, and going fucking broke.

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