Customer Service Discloses Call Will Be Monitored For Sadistic Amusement

NEW YORK-As part of what the telecommunications giant characterizes as an ongoing commitment to transparency, Verizon's customer service line began informing users this week that their calls would be monitored for the company's sadistic amusement. By staying on the line, you consent to being roundly mocked by a boardroom of executives who cackle maniacally over 26-year-old single malt scotch every time you beg to speak to a human' like a pathetic, shit-sniffing dog," a pleasant automated voice now says, assuring submissive customers that their call is important because every torturous minute they're forced to wait while listening to tinny Michael Buble Christmas music fills the Verizon C-suite with unspeakable satisfaction. As you wince in mounting discomfort, please know your suffering helps us better understand the limits of the human tolerance for pain. Each whimper, sigh, and expletive-laden tirade is carefully reviewed by senior management for its unparalleled erotic potency. We particularly savor your agonized reaction when, 90 minutes in, we inform you that you'll need to call a different number, so please remember to scream that delicious scream of yours directly into the microphone-yes, just like that. Remember, at Verizon, your squirming, wormlike humiliation isn't just data to us. It's pure ecstasy." Sources confirmed each call to Verizon customer service concludes with a brief survey to help the system refine its ability to degrade future callers into total, prostrating submission.

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