Fact-Checking Trump On Greenland

President Trump announced Wednesday that a framework for a future Greenland deal had been reached. The Onion assesses the veracity of Trump's statements regarding Greenland.

Claim: Greenland needs protection from Russia and China.

Partially true: Greenland needs protection from Russia, China, and the United States.

Claim: America will use military force to acquire Greenland if necessary.

False: Military force will be used even if it's unnecessary.

Claim: Buying Greenland would benefit national and global security.

False: Sometimes it's fun to just buy stuff.

Claim: The fearsome, 400-foot ice kaiju that protects Greenland from invaders can easily be felled with conventional weaponry.

False: Sure, if you completely forget about its ability to rapidly regenerate damaged cells.

Claim: Greenland contains large swaths of unspoiled resources.

Partially true: Not for long!

Claim: Greenlanders would welcome American influence.

False: Though they probably wouldn't say no to a Cheesecake Factory.

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