Conservative Defends Child Molesters In Case He Becomes Child Molester Someday

HOUSTON-Insisting he still believed in the dream that Americans from all circumstances could eventually become sexual deviants, conservative man Samuel Welker reportedly defended child molesters implicated in the Epstein files Monday in case he himself some day became a child molester. Sure, I don't have a ton of young girls at my disposal now, but eventually I might have a bunch, and if I do, I hope people won't rush to judgment just because I happen to molest them on a private island," said Welker, a 37-year-old auto mechanic who forcefully argued that the country's greatest sex perverts were the engine that powers this nation" and deserved to be recognized for their hard work in sexually assaulting minors rather than constantly critiqued for trafficking underage boys and girls. One of the beautiful things about this country is that people from the humblest walks of life can eventually become notorious sex criminals. These elite child molesters earned their place in child sex rings through the sweat of their brow. What's incredible is that any American can do the same as long as they work hard and have an overpowering addiction to assaulting defenseless kids." Welker added that he especially respected Bill Gates, who started out molesting children in a garage in New Mexico and was now one of the nation's most iconic pedophiles.

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