What I Lack In Physical Strength, I Make Up For In Pubic Hair

Look, I get it. I'm a weakling. These scrawny arms and spindly legs have obviously never seen the inside of a gym. You might say I'm the exact opposite of a bodybuilder. But while I'm definitely no one's idea of Hercules, it'd be a grave mistake to underestimate me. That's because what I lack in physical strength, I more than make up for in thick, unruly pubic hair.

In today's hypermasculine society, it seems like everyone's obsessed with how much you can bench or how many push-ups you can do, completely ignoring the power of a massive bush that has spread like wildfire across your stomach and upper thighs. In a more enlightened era, I might've been praised for a tangle of pubes able to burn out the motor of a trimmer in 30 seconds, even if I couldn't do a single chin-up. But now, people laugh at my barely visible biceps and dismiss me, no matter how often I warn them that I possess the pubes of a dozen men.

Yep, some folks have to learn the hard way.

When you're small, lots of guys will try to take advantage of you. At a glance, I'm easy pickings for some big oaf in a bar or a musclehead rageaholic on the street looking for an excuse to start something. It's only when they get close that they comprehend their terrible mistake. They find themselves standing before the puffed-out crotch of my blue jeans, staring dumbfounded at the unstoppable curlies that have erupted from my waistband and climbed halfway up my T-shirt. It's not long before these dudes make themselves scarce. They know that my zipper, close to bursting, is all that stands between them and my full bristly might.

But really, I'm just a normal guy who doesn't want trouble with anyone. The truth is, even with a pelt like mine between my legs, I never know for sure how a confrontation will go down. Maybe someone actually lands a lucky kick in my stomach instead of getting their leg trapped calf-deep. Odds are that would never happen, of course, but I don't want to live in a world where I ever have to take that chance.

Instead, how about a world where people look past my puniness and respect me just because I'm a fellow human being? And I never even have to mention the bushel of Brillo between my legs, except to friends or kindly strangers? Imagine that.

And it's not just men. I know a lot of women take one look at the way my clothes hang over my thin frame and assume I'm not worth dating. Well, it's their loss. Because if they gave me a chance, they'd realize that a guy who doesn't have six-pack abs or huge pecs can still be packing an absolute jungle in his boxers. On rare occasions, I'll meet a woman who couldn't care less about how much I can lift because she knows she'll be richly compensated with more pubic hair than she's seen in every locker room combined in her whole life. I just wish there were more women like that.

Anyway, I know it could be worse. There are guys out there who can't do five sit-ups without passing out and who also don't have enough pubes to fill a lawn mower bag. I can't fathom what I'd do if I were one of them, but fortunately, I'm not. Far from it. I am 155 pounds, and 20 of those are out-of-control pubic hair.

And that's the strength that matters.

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