Turning Point USA Announces Alternative Puerto Rico

WASHINGTON-Hailingthe moveasa more wholesome and patriotic substitute for thecurrentU.S.territory,conservative advocacy groupTurning Point USA announced Thursdaythat it was setting upan alternative Puerto Rico.Finally, Americans will be able to enjoy a family-friendly tropical paradise that actually celebrates traditional values,"said TurningPointCEO Erika Kirk, adding thatthe island would be known as Port Rick," a mistranslation of Puerto Rico" that nevertheless reflected the new territory's English-only mandate. Good people who love America will no longer have to be intimidated byarroz con gandulesand can sink their teeth into the new national dish, hamburgers. Of course, we'll also be overhauling the music within ouralternative Puerto Rico, replacingreggaetonand other aggressive styles with familiar, straight-ahead country music and Christian rock. And going forward, we'll even be revamping the geography itself, swapping out the titillating bioluminescent bays for far less provocative basins of colorless water."Kirk added that unlike the original Puerto Rico, the alternative would promptly receive disaster relief from the Trump administration.

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