Political Profile: James Talarico

James Talarico is the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate in Texas. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the rising star.

Age: Whippersnapper

Inspirational Backstory: Survived several hours talking to Joe Rogan

Religion: Oh yeah, lots of that

Key Endorsements: God (Presbyterian), God (Catholic), God (Jewish), and God (Sikh)

Level On Grant-Rogers Folksiness Scale: 1.21 Jimmy Stewarts

Voice Volume: 4

Diet: Whatever Mom's making tonight

What's Motivating Campaign: Would rather die before going back to teaching

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