Article 74HN9 How ICE Is Assisting TSA

How ICE Is Assisting TSA

by
The Onion Staff
from The Onion on (#74HN9)
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Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents have been deployed to 14 airports across the country amid record-high TSA wait times. Here are all the ways ICE officers are assisting the Transportation Security Administration.

Overseeing the removal of shoes, belts, and abuelas

Scanning passports with shredders

Confiscating, then brandishing dangerous items

Translating TSA's irritated mumbles into threatening grunts

Assuming all milling-around duties

Culling weaker travelers when lines get too long

Commiserating about failing the police academy

Drinking any shampoo that exceeds the carry-on volume limit

Bragging to TSA about how nice it is to be getting paid

Simplifying the customs interview to one question about skull size

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